Page 59

Jennette

People who say that silence is golden have never waited for an answer this important.

But I have to know if I’m building castles in the air with someone who would rather be elsewhere.

As much as I’m falling head over heels for Tam, I refuse to be his last resort.

I’m more than a consolation prize, right?

But the fact that he hasn’t answered yet…

I don’t love that. In fact, the quiet between us stings like nothing I’ve experienced before.

Finally he says, “I do not know.”

I commend him for the brutal honesty, even as it levels me.

Intellectually, I understand that this is a theoretical issue because he can’t leave.

It’s a moot point. And I should be reassured by the fact that there are other choices on Earth; he could live alone like Ravik presumably has.

He doesn’t require me in the financial sense, and there’s no question that we fit together well in so many ways.

That much should be enough, but I’m greedy.

I don’t entirely understand how relationships work on his homeworld, but what he’s said makes me think they’re often poly, and that partners remain open to the possibility of loving others.

Does that mean he’ll want to do that on Earth too?

It hits me that I’m trying to make a relationship work with an extraterrestrial being when I haven’t even found a human who’d choose me permanently.

I don’t want to become someone who looks for problems or who sabotages what could be the best thing in my life. I’m just…

“I’m scared,” I whisper.

A human partner might reassure me at this point. “Of what?”

That’s Tam, trying to uncover the facts. I fully admire his thorough, logical mind, and I know that it was a problem for him where he’s from. So maybe he wouldn’t have chosen to stay there, but I’m sure he misses his family.

“Being your only option.”

“There are billions of beings in the universe,” he says in a dispassionate tone. “Yet I felt entirely alone until I met you.”

“Online met or Space Con met?” The distinction doesn’t matter, but I am curious.

“Online. I had been lonely before, but I’d never felt that isolated. But once we began communicating in that thread…”

“The one about twin stars?”

“Correct. It helped. I checked for new replies and enjoyed crafting my own. And when they locked that thread, you invited us all to download the chat program and join a real-time conversation. I needed that connection, more than you can possibly fathom.” Tam moves toward me, as if he might reach out with his long-fingered, strangely jointed hands.

Then he pauses. “I do have other options, even here. Obligation or loneliness wouldn’t impel me to share a home with you. While I do have concerns related to deceiving your family, I didn’t mean to infect you with my doubts.”

That rings true. If he’d offered over-the-top protestations of deathless devotion, I wouldn’t believe him since it would be so out of character. I don’t want loud proclamations; I’d rather have quiet actions over florid gestures.

“There’s no viral load for emotions,” I say, trying to joke.

Tam doesn’t laugh. “But you feel insecure due to my situation. What can I do to remedy your doubts?”

A different woman might lose herself in sex, but that’s not how my psyche works.

Though I’m attracted to him, unlike the rest of the universe, I can’t lose myself in sex if I have unresolved feelings.

It’s not an escape for me. Rather, it’s an extension of trust, moments to share because of the bond between us.

“Time will mend them,” I say. “One way or another.”

Because there is no other solution. I will either come to believe that he truly wants to be with me because of the way he behaves, day after day. Or the opposite will occur. I wish I could return to the days when I was simply overjoyed because he exists at all.

He puts away the beacon and says, “I won’t work on this if it upsets you.”

I shake my head. “You said it’s not because you want to leave. So you’re trying to surmount the challenge. Solve the puzzle.”

“That is it, precisely.” He sounds…relieved.

And that lightens the weight, somewhat easing the tightness in my chest. I can understand that motivation.

To be fair, I also get why he’s worried about lying to my family long-term.

But there’s nothing I can do about that.

Glynnis would scream for days and then blab the secret to anyone who would listen.

I ought to know; she tattled on me so many times growing up, over far more minor infractions.

“I came in to ask if you wanted to go for a walk. Get some fresh air.” We’re past the worst heat of summer and the weather is perfect.

“I would like that.”

Before we leave, he checks that Scotty and Spock have enough kibble in their dishes, a small kindness that makes me smile.

That’s exactly what I meant by tiny gestures that mean the world to me.

I step outside and breathe in the early autumn air, fresh and crisp like an apple.

As Tam joins me, Nancy comes outside as well.

When she spots me, she gives a cheery wave.

“Got big plans tonight?” she asks.

“Just going for a stroll.”

“Perfect night for it! I’m headed over to Mackey’s, maybe to play some pool.” She looks like she wants to say something else, but she doesn’t.

“Everything okay?”

She beckons me over and I shoot a confused look at Tam. “I’ll be right back.”

When I reach the small front stoop, Nancy whispers, “I’d invite you to go, but I’m not sure your boyfriend is old enough to drink. And I don’t want to put him on the spot.”

Oh my God.

Suddenly I understand Tam’s concerns. The tech camo has no control over what people see when they look at him.

It’s random, based on brain waves. And in the future, we won’t be able to take family photos either.

There will be excuses every holiday, reasons to avoid having him in the picture, and it will be so awkward.

In their eyes, he’ll never be suitable, and I don’t know how to solve any of this.

“He’s much older than he looks,” I say, because Nancy is prying. Politely, of course.

Tam must look really young to her. My landlady thinks I’m robbing the cradle.

She gives a relieved little laugh. “Like Ralph Macchio! Have you seen him lately? It’s incredible to me that he’s in his sixties.”

I nod, distracted by my fresh perspective on our challenges. Before, I guess I just wanted to live in the honeymoon bubble and pretend these issues couldn’t touch us. Now I’m on the same page as Tam, and I entirely understand his concerns.

“He looks amazing,” I say, waving as I head back to my side of the duplex. To Tam, I say, “So Nancy was quietly trying to find out if you’re old enough to be living with me.”

“That is…inconvenient,” he says mildly.

I’m grateful that he doesn’t rub in the fact that he’s been worried about similar complications for a while. And those related to my family will be magnified by a factor of ten. While it’s fair to say I didn’t expect this to be easy, I didn’t anticipate all these wrinkles either.

Not at all.

“Yeah.”

Tam heads off, setting a leisurely pace.

As we walk, he says softly, “I fear that for me to be completely safe, you would become isolated from other humans. I have studied human marital promises and I do not wish for you to forsake all others. Relationships are important. As I understand it, humans are social creatures.”

“We are,” I admit.

I’ve already stopped talking to my family because of what I overheard.

Knowing they hate Tam and they tolerate me?

It’s a mess. But he has a point. I don’t want to lie to them in perpetuity either.

At this stage, I’m not sure if I should try to patch things up or let the distance build.

This is a crappy choice, no matter how I analyze it.

But even understanding the risks and complications, I still choose Tam.

I’m happy with him, so much more than I was before.

Every day, my joy increases, and I adore each little detail that I learn about his personal quirks, his family, and his homeworld.

I truly believe we’re meant to be together, even if I can’t glimpse the path through the thorny hedges surrounding us.

I extend a hand, and he takes it. Despite knowing the truth, there’s still a moment of cognitive dissonance because of the variance between what my eyes tell me and what I know to be true.

Now I can feel the extra fingers and the unusual way they curve around mine.

For now, we’re together—and that’s already one wish granted from the universe.

Why can’t I aim for two?