Page 118 of How We End

I sat up and looked at him in the low light of the room.Six months ago, I met this man and thought it would be just one night.And like that night, I also marveled at how beautiful he was.The way his muscles flexed with each breath.Then he had been broken.Afraid to let everyone down.A bit tarnished.But now he shone bright under the arena lights.

I had changed too.I had hope now.Hope that maybe someday I could find happiness and even love.Not like the love I had for Julian.But something so I didn’t feel so alone.

“I’m leaving,” I said.

“What?”He opened his eyes.“Right now?It’s, like…” He looked at the clock.“Midnight.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Okay, for how long?”He sat up and rubbed his face.

“Forever.Someone found my mugshot from LA and brought it to my attention that it could ruin you.”

“Who found it?”

“It doesn’t matter.”I couldn’t look at him because I was afraid I wouldn’t do it.I wouldn’t leave him.

“Yes, it does if someone is blackmailing you?—”

“Julian, don’t, okay?Please.Let’s just end this and…”

“End this?End you and me because of your mugshot.He beat and raped you, then murdered a girl.Let it come out.I don’t care.”

“But I do.I don’t want to be that girl anymore.I don’t want my family dragged through the mud.I don’t want you to have to answer for my sins.”

“It was not your sin, it was his.And I don’t care.Please don’t do this.”He took my hands.

“Don’t what, Julian?Think about this.Really think about it.What will they say?”

He got out of bed and paced the floor.“Nothing they haven’t already said.How many times do I have to tell you?I don’t care what they think about me.”

“How can you say that?How can you want to throw it all away?”

“Because I love you.”

“What about your brothers and the people they care about?And your mother?Your team?What do you think this will do to them?They have given so much so you could be here today.”It was easier to look at this from their point of view.It felt less selfish.Almost honorable.

“And where is that?Look at me.I’m a thirty-four-year-old man playing a sport twelve-year-olds play.It’s just a fucking game.”

“Just a game?”I shot back.“Was it just a game when you broke your nose, when you were up all night in pain because of your shoulder or your hip?If it’s just a game, then why all the hours at the gym, in practice?Why did you leave it all on the ice if it was just a game?”

He sat down on the bed, his head in his hands.I was right.This was his whole life.The goal had always been this moment.The chance for him to shine bright in the spotlight.

I sat down next to him and rested my chin on his shoulder.“You know I’m right.”It didn’t make it any easier.

“I can’t do this without you.”

The pain in his voice cut me deep.I fought the tears.“You have to.”

“Why?”He turned to look at me.“Why can’t I decide what I can handle?Why can’t I not give a shit about what people think?Why?Please don’t leave me.Please.”

“Julian.”The words sat right there.The wordsI’ll stay.But behind those words were the pain that I would cause everyone.Cause him.

“Don’t do this,” he begged.

“Don’t make me stay.I’m not strong enough.I wish I was, but I’m not.And as much as I love you, I love myself more.I’m sorry.I’m so very sorry.”I didn’t think it was possible to break my own heart.But here I was, doing it.

He pulled me into his embrace.I clung to him and cried all the tears I had.All the tears for the sixteen-year-old girl who fell in love with the wrong boy.The nineteen-year-old girl who trusted the wrong men.And for me, the woman I was now and the man I had to leave.