Page 102 of How We End

“That’s why I’m calling you.Have you heard from him?”

I checked the last message I sent him after my fight with Maverick.It was 10:05.“No.What happened?”

“I don’t know.You tell me.You were supposed to fuck him once!Not start a relationship.”

My thoughts were still caught in the dream I had been having.Julian had been in it.“What are you talking about?And where’s Julian?”I cradled the phone between my shoulder and ear to unzip the stupid dress Maverick had bought me.He’d probably want that back too.He said I had a month to pack up and move out, and he did that for Dana’s sake.

“I don’t fucking know.Shit.”Anders hissed out a breath.“Julian got into a fight tonight, his fourth.They suspended him.He knew better, but his fucking head was not in the game because the woman he loves was fucking someone else.”

“I wasn’t!”I shouted back, stepping out of the dress.“And he didn’t seem too distracted this morning when it was ‘we both have a job to do.’”I was still a little bitter about that.

“How can you say that?He would never tell you to do anything because then when you’re unhappy, it’s his fault.”

“When I’m unhappy that I don’t have to have sex with random men?Do you know how stupid that sounds?”I was still yelling at Anders because I could.Because I knew where this was going.

“Yes, I fucking do,” he shouted.“Stop making me yell.Fuck.”Anders breathed into the phone.“For two people who spend so much time together, how can you know so little about him?”

“I know plenty.”I didn’t even believe that lie.There wasn’t much time between hockey and his schedule to know everything.So I picked the important things.Like how his shoulder was worse in the morning and his knee at night.That sometimes the noise of his life got to be too much.I knew what it looked like when he was slipping.

“Then how can you not see it?Julian blames himself for everything.He thinks that if he had been better, then Emily wouldn’t have cheated.If he played better, we would have won.If Julian pushes himself harder, his father won’t hate Beckett or be disappointed in Hudson.Julian always sees himself as the reason things go to shit.”

“You think I don’t know this?”

“Do you?”

I knew this.I saw it every day.But I thought I was different, that I had proven to him that no matter what, I loved him.Win or lose.Hurt or healthy.Hockey or no, I would still love him.

“Can I ask something?”He didn’t give me a chance to answer that.“Do you really love him or just the thought of him?Because being with a professional athlete isn’t easy.The game takes so much from us that sometimes there isn’t enough left for others.”

It wasn’t the schedule and the sore muscles and joints that were so hard to deal with.It was the sense of helplessness I felt.That no matter how many times I told him he was worth more than some stat, he didn’t believe me.That a bad game wasn’t his fault.

“Is it possible to love him and hate the game?”Julian and I had been dancing around our careers like if we didn’t talk about them, they wouldn’t affect us.We thought if we kept those parts of us separate, it would all work out.

“I don’t know.”We both sat in the quietness of the space between us.“If you are going to love him, you have to love all of him.Even this stupid game.”

I rolled my eyes.“Do you have that framed and hanging in your bedroom?”

“No, tattooed on my ass.To love Julian Silver is to love all of him.Oh shit, don’t make me laugh.It hurts,” he grunted out.“That’s him.Let me call you back.”

Before I could say another word, Anders hung up.Since sitting half-naked would not fix anything, I washed my face and dressed in case Julian showed up.He always ended up with me.He would this time too.

I hoped.

Five minutes later, Anders called me back.

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know.He’s on a flight back.He’ll be in Vegas at two.”

“Did you get his flight number?”I grabbed a bag out of the closet and started throwing clothes in.

“Yeah, I’ll text it to you.What are you going to do?”

“Get him out of his head.How long is he suspended for?”I grabbed the few casual clothes I had.

“Five games, plus one for refusal to play in the All-Star.So six games, and then we have the All-Star break.So six games plus one week.”

“I don’t have Julian’s schedule memorized.How many weeks?”