Page 37

Oh shit, I didn’t even— I was so wrapped up in trying to help her that I didn’t think things through. I’m a fucking idiot.

I pull her into my lap and hold her. I try to rock her, but there’s a big difference from last night. She’s stiff and doesn’t melt into my touch. I’m not comforting her—because this time I’m the one who hurt her.

Still, I hold her close and tell her over and over how sorry I am. She remains tense and silent. Obviously, I have to explain myself.

Andy, please. This isn’t the same thing at all.

I don’t want to break up with you. Like, ever.

I pause, because that’s the closest I’ve come to telling Andy how I feel.

Then I push on, because she needs to understand.

But you don’t see us as forever—you think we’ll break up once you graduate.

I, uh…I didn’t want to mess up your whole life so I could be happy for a few months.

A few more months with Andy would be a treasure, even if I knew we’d split at the end. But I’d give up that precious time for her.

She looks up at me, her eyes dark and liquid. All I can think about is how much I care about her and how right we are for each other.

Bryce gave me that nuclear option too. But I never considered breaking up with you.

Oh, so you chose to be with me? Maybe Andy does care more than she can admit.

I try to stroke her hair, but she turns away from my touch. I still don’t understand what happened in Andy’s past to make her so wary, but I sense the pain goes way back, before Bryce.

It’s up to me to dive in first. I gently turn her cheek to face me.

I love you, Andy. It’s a relief to finally say the words, even at this tense moment.

She shakes her head. Jack, I…it’s sweet of you to say that, but…

Shit. Well, I knew a few words of affection weren’t going to change Andy’s closed-off nature. So, I backtrack. Don’t worry, you don’t have to say anything back.

Of course, she says nothing. I sigh inwardly. Okay, maybe Bryce manipulated me into coming here, trying to break us up. But what about the number he pulled on you—did he hurt you so much that you can’t trust me?

Andy shakes her head. It’s not about Bryce, it’s about how scary it was when you said the words ‘break up.’ I don’t want to feel so dependent on you, on anyone.

I wish I was as articulate as Andy. But I can only speak from the heart. Needing someone isn’t a trap. I depend on you too.

She scowls. Maybe too much. I feel like I’m bossing you around sometimes. That you’re too dependent on my opinion.

I shake my head. I don’t think that’s true. Sure, I’m easy-going, but I only take advice from people I really respect. Like you and Mats.

But is it healthy?

It’s not a one-way street. I think I help you too. I know I make her feel happier and more relaxed.

She nods. I’ve had more fun this year than all the rest of my time at Monarch. And I’m not diminishing that experience by using the word ‘fun.’ My mental health is so much better as a result.

Is there any way to reach her? Look, maybe you lost the sports editor job, but the experience lead to us finding each other. Our relationship is the thing that lasts in the end.

But my timing sucks. Andy’s at a low point right now and she isn’t listening fully. I can see her shutting down in front of me.

She twists a corner of her blanket and gazes into the distance. You’re an amazing boyfriend. You’re sweet, supportive, and very attractive.

That’s all good, right? I ask.

Yes, but you deserve the same. Right from the beginning, I felt like we didn’t match. I’m not as polished or beautiful as someone like—like Lana.

It’s astounding to me that Andy has these insecurities. Is that how you felt with your other boyfriends?

No. I’ve dated safe guys before. Relationships where I felt like I was in charge, in control. Maybe that’s why it was such a shock when Bryce broke up with me.

And you don’t feel safe with me? I ask.

Andy hesitates for a moment that feels like forever.

Physically, I’ve never felt safer. But emotionally—sometimes it feels like I’m teetering on the edge of an abyss. What I feel for you is… She keeps shaking her head, like she’s mentally rejecting every argument I’ve made. I don’t know. Deeper? Bigger? Just scarier than anything I’ve ever known.

Her words move me. I feel the same way, except my experience is all sunshine. We’re teetering on the edge of something amazing and wonderful. If she could let go and trust me, there’s no limit to what we could have together.

Have I ever done anything to make you feel like you can’t trust me?

She considers my question, then shakes her head. No, never.

Andy, I don’t know how to convince you that we’re real.

You know how much I admire your smarts, your principles, and your spirit.

And I’m not sure what fucked-up beauty standards you’re using, but you’re gorgeous .

You glow. All those times I insisted on walking you home at night, I was worried that something would happen to you because you’re so magnetic.

I squeeze her tighter. She feels smaller than usual, diminished by everything that’s happened.

I continue, It kills me to hear you say that I deserve a better girlfriend. I’ve always thought you were way too good for me. You’re so smart, beautiful, and ambitious. You work so hard and get so much done. I’m just a hockey player, and when I graduate, I won’t even be that.

That’s crazy, you’re the perfect guy, Andy says flatly.

Neither one of us is perfect. But maybe we’re perfect for each other. For once, I’ve gotten the words right. Andy wavers—will she let go and trust me to catch her?

Instead, she gives the tiniest shake of her head, and my heart falls. We were so close.

I hold her out at arm’s length. Andy, you’re always telling me to stand up for myself. So, I will. You pour yourself into everything you do: writing, editing, advising residents, helping friends. But you hold back when it comes to us.

She looks up at me, seeing me fully. I go on. I’m right here, and I think you’re so close. Can you take that step and be all-in on us? Because while what we have now is amazing, it’s nothing compared to what we could be. I truly believe that.

I can’t tell what she’s thinking. Maybe that I’m nuts to be pushing her at her lowest point?

I lean in to kiss her on the forehead because I need to feel my lips against her skin once more. Just in case it’s our last time.

You don’t have to answer me right away. Take all the time you want. Or, if you decide you want to accept Bryce’s offer and be the sports editor instead, I’ll understand that too. I only want good things for you.

Then I walk out without looking back.

It’s agonizing to offer up the end of us so casually, but it’s exactly what Andy always encouraged me to do—ask for what I want. I want a trusting, loving relationship where I’m not always the one pushing for more. Andy has to want us too.

I want a future that doesn’t end when she graduates—no matter where she goes. And now, the power rests with her.