Page 13 of His By Sunrise (Disreputable Dukes of Club Damnation #3)

“It was more complicated than that.” The said time in her life had been confusing at best. “You were constantly worried that you needed to earn more money. I didn’t know if you would have been pleased with the thought of having another mouth to feed.”

“But it was my child, Charlotte. And I love Olivia. I would have welcomed another.” The shock in his expression changed over into sadness. “I never had the chance to grieve, for I didn’t know of the babe.”

“I’m sorry. I was uncertain of our union at the time. You kept company with questionable people.” She brushed away the tears that fell onto her cheeks. “It took some time for me to physically recover from the incident, but I mourn that child every day.”

“I would have been there alongside you, with the support you needed.” His eyes were haunted. “We could have grieved together.”

She nodded. “I know. It was the best decision at the time. Yet afterward, we grew apart because of that decision.” Grieving alone had taken its toll.

“At least now I have an explanation. I couldn’t understand why you had cut me out of your life so suddenly, and then you wanted a separation...”

“I know.” Not even enjoying scandalous intercourse with him or the lovely freedom that being domestically disciplined by him could repair the broken bond between them.

“The longer difficulties accumulated between us, I didn’t know how to broach the subjects or tell you what I needed from you in that new season of my life.

And I was forced to be strong for Olivia. ”

“And I thought you were unhappy with me, that I had done something wrong to precipitate your flight, that I was objectionable to you.”

“It was a confusing time... I was lost, and mostly craved the raw, messy, meaningless couplings between us so I could forget... After losing the baby, I was in a dark place and couldn’t come out of it.

” She’d heard that some women were like that after birthing or losing children.

It was something she didn’t wish to repeat.

And that time had made her question every decision she’d ever made since marrying him.

And yet, she’d coupled with Edwin twice today. Would one of those joinings result in a pregnancy?

A huff escaped him. “Then your father stepped in, found an opening to rid both him and you of a man he’d always thought was beneath you, and that was the end of our union.

” He slowly shook his head. “No talking, no discussions, no explanations between us, just your things and Olivia’s being removed from our townhouse, and the sound of silence where you used to be. ”

Knots of worry pulled in her belly, and the urge to retch rose in her throat.

Had she made a mistake letting her father take care of everything while her mind wasn’t quite right?

“I’m sorry. No amount of wishing I’d done things differently can make this better.

” Had being lost to the depression urged her to make a villain out of Edwin so she wouldn’t need to take on that responsibility herself?

Perhaps it was partially my fault that things were broken.

“Another child,” he said in an awed and choked whisper. “I would have adored another babe and of seeing Olivia as a sister.” His voice broke and moisture rose into his eyes. “You should have told me, Charlotte.”

“I know.” She half-stifled a sob, for seeing him so emotional had her heart squeezing in pain.

“Was it my fault you lost the baby? Because I was too busy trying to earn money?” When he raised a pain-filled gaze to her, the strength in her knees almost went out. “Did you think I wasn’t good enough as a husband that you didn’t tell me?”

“No.” She sniffled and wiped at the moisture on her cheeks. “As I said, it was a terrible, confusing time for me. After I lost the babe, my mind was dark and damaged. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Back then, I always felt ill at ease in society, and your parents fighting me at every turn didn’t help.

” He shoved a hand through his hair, leaving it furrowed rows.

“Did you not feel loved enough with me? Is that why you left?” His eyes were shadowed with pain.

“Without a word? Damn, but I missed you.”

“That’s not it at all.” How could she explain to him that she was afraid of being subsumed into the desperate, violent, and at times unexplainable carnal world he’d introduced her to?

That the thought of something happening to him would leave her so devastated she might not fight her way back to reality?

And then what would have become of Olivia?

An ache went through her chest. “If you felt so strongly about me, why didn’t you try writing to me? ”

He snorted. “Your father wouldn’t have let the letters through, and you know it. Also, I didn’t know Lady Averly well enough at the time to assume she would agree to act as a go between.”

Fair enough. With another sniffle, Charlotte nodded. “How did you keep yourself in the years we’ve been apart? I wanted to call, but couldn’t let myself become pulled back under...” Well, it didn’t matter. She didn’t wish to admit to just how much she’d been addicted to him.

Perhaps she still was.

“In various ways. None of which you’ll approve of, but I have filled my coffers—our coffers.” There was an earnestness in his expression she’d not seen before. “I merely need respectability now.”

She nodded. “I’ll wager you’ve done more good than you think.” The words of her maid danced through her mind ‘he is the patron saint of Farnham...’ and she dared to rest a hand on his arm. His muscles went taut beneath her fingertips. “That’s a good thing.”

“Ha. Silly gossip, nothing more.” But the corners of his mouth tipped upward in a faint grin.

When had he become so humble? Perhaps he had indeed matured, for being dominant in carnal endeavors didn’t mean he hadn’t grown.

“Yet kidnapping me won’t help you achieve respectability.

Surely there is already speculation back in London.

This will be the first place my father looks once he realizes I’ve been taken. ”

A hardness entered his eyes. “Let him come. I’m a different man this time, and I won’t be cowed by him.”

Admiration for him climbed. He was, indeed, not the same man. “You can’t hold me against my will, though.”

“I rather think I’m not. You need the closure the same as I do.

” Then he shrugged. “You can go. If you are adamant that you can’t stand me, then go.

” Defeat shadowed his eyes for a few seconds, gone with his next blink.

“If you look into yourself and know without a doubt that there is nothing left between us, nothing you don’t think we can nurture from a spark, then go.

I care not, but since you refused to even give me one word the last time, at least in this way I can state my case, argue my truths. ”

How to answer that, for he had a point. “I will think about what you’ve said, but I must tell you, if you are still doing questionable things, I’m afraid there can be nothing between us ever again.”

“Define questionable. Does that apply to bedroom endeavors?”

Heat seeped into her cheeks. “No.”

“Good.” He nodded. “I am no longer entering into questionable deals or making uneasy alliances. However, there is unresolved tension between Danville and me now that I know he’s in London and sniffing about your skirts.”

What had really happened between those two? “Oh, Edwin, not this again.”

A huff of frustration came from him. “ You left me , Charlotte. And apparently, you withheld important news from me about the baby.” He shook off her touch to lay a hand over his heart.

“I came home one day, and you and Olivia weren’t there.

Your belongings were packed, and you were both gone.

I was devastated to know that I was such a horrid person, that my family couldn’t be with me one moment longer. ”

“That wasn’t it at all,” she said in a choked whisper.

Truly she hadn’t given thought to how he might be affected by her desertion, even if she had been swept away by her father’s actions while distracted by grief.

She shoved away her own emotions. It wouldn’t do to get attached to him again.

To lose herself in that world of physical pleasure, pain, and need.

Life had to be about more than that. A foundation should be built on more solid ground, for those things wouldn’t last. “I had to. I couldn’t let you talk your way around our issues or divert me from them. ”

He frowned as he propped his hands on his hips. “What issues? You’ve never mentioned anything about them.”

Low-grade annoyance circled through her chest. “How could you not know?”

“I’m not one for clues, Char. I need to be told things. If you take issue with me, tell me.”

Why did he make so much sense? She went on the defensive, because it was easy and familiar.

“I needed you to be intuitive and instinctive, to be there emotionally for me as well as physically, but that didn’t happen.

” She forced a hard swallow into her tight throat.

“I needed you in every way a wife can need a husband, but you weren’t there. ”

“I tried.” Throwing a hand up, he took a few steps away from her. “We work in bed. Things are very nearly perfect between us in that way, but...”

“Stop.” Charlotte shook her head. “There must be more than that. I need you to meet my emotional needs as well as physical ones. I want to feel secure around you instead of wondering how we’ll pay our bills and commitments or worry that we’ll lose the townhouse due to no funds.

I want to feel protected by you, for I am that when with William. ”

“Danville isn’t who you think he is.” Anger sprang to his eyes as he turned back to her. “I have changed. The man I was back then? He doesn’t exist any longer.”

It was becoming obvious, but she couldn’t let him see that he’d been right.

“How would I know that? Show me that you have. Let me see it. Convince me. Then we’ll talk.

” It wasn’t well done of her, especially in light of what Bessie had said, what she’d seen with her own eyes when he talked to those children, or how he’d thought about what she might like with the clothing and the perfume.

“I think we both need proof that we won’t hurt each other again. ”

“Fair enough.” Silence reigned between them for long moments while a cool autumnal breeze went through the gardens, making the flowers and long ornamental grasses wave back and forth. Finally, he nodded. “Will you join me for dinner?”

“I will.” For she didn’t want to quit his company just yet. “Oddly, I’m quite hungry.” Coupling with him had made her ravenous. Damn his eyes. “Though sitting for a long time might prove painful after that spanking session.” Was she a fool for mentioning that?

His eyes darkened with the same desire that lurked in her veins. “At least that will remain uppermost in your mind, then.” When he winked, a shiver went down her spine. “And remember, that can happen at any time again.”

Oh, dear God. How could she survive him again, and more to the point, did she want to? Could they make it work in a forever sort of way a second time around?

Only time would tell.