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36

CONNOR

M y phone rang abruptly, but thankfully, it woke me from a dream about taking a final exam where I wasn’t wearing pants. I reached for my phone and noticed the time was six a.m.—I groaned in disbelief at the unknown number. Normally, I would have just ignored it and let it go to voicemail, but I also noticed multiple calls had happened during the night when my phone was in privacy mode.

I opted to answer it. “Hello?” I said sleepily as I sat up in bed.

“Am I speaking to Mr. Connor Olsen?” replied the cautious female caller.

“Yes, I’m Connor,” I replied as my heart beat faster. “What’s going on?”

“Mr. Olsen, this is Harborside Hospital in Seattle, Washington. My name is Emily, and I’m a nurse in the Trauma Center here. Mr. Mason Hardy was airlifted and admitted late yesterday, having sustained multiple injuries in an accident. Your name was the only one listed as his emergency contact in his cell phone.”

My head spun, and nausea hit me. So many things raced through my brain, and I still hadn’t fully woken up.

“Where…what happened?” was all I could get out. I tried to take a deep breath, but my lungs wouldn’t let me. This can’t be happening. Was he in a highway accident? He’s always a safe driver. I had so many questions but knew there was only so much they could say over the phone.

“Mr. Hardy suffered a severe head injury and multiple fractures. He’s stable and under continued supervision. Do you know if he has any immediate family?” she asked calmly.

“No, he doesn’t, but…but I’m his boyfriend,” I answered as my voice wavered. As soon as I said ‘boyfriend,’ it dawned on me that we’d never used that word to explain our relationship.

I heard her take a deep breath. “Okay, since he has no family, and unfortunately, since you’re only his boyfriend, you cannot make medical decisions for him. Do you know if he has any other friends or someone that might have authority or power of attorney?”

I tried to comprehend everything she was saying, so I sat there, wracking my brain for answers. My breath was labored, and I could feel my pulse rush through my ears. “Uh, wait. Do you have his cell phone contacts available that you can access?” I asked.

“Yes, we do. That’s how I was able to contact you,” she replied.

“I’m…I’m not sure of his last name, but his best friend’s name is Eli. He lives in Crescent City, California,” I said, hoping she could find it in Mason’s cell phone.

She was silent for a few moments and then returned. “Yes, there’s an Eli Banfield listed with an Eli’s Bar and Grill associated with it. I see both a mobile number and a work number.”

I didn’t understand why I was his emergency contact and not Eli since he was his best friend, but I wasn’t about to dwell on that now. “That’s him,” I blurted out. “He probably knows where Mason keeps important papers.” I paused, then said, “I’m down in Oregon, but please, I need to see him.”

I could tell she sensed my worry and concern. “We’ll do our best to contact Mr. Banfield to get any specifics, but you are allowed to visit him here in the hospital. He is unconscious right now. For how long, we don’t know. He’ll be sent to the intensive care unit soon.”

My head spun with everything I needed to do. Once I got the hospital information from Emily and ended the call, I looked up a couple of things on my phone, then quickly dressed and ran down the hall to Spencer’s room. I didn’t knock. I hated to wake him, but this was an emergency, and I needed to get to Seattle as soon as I could.

“Spencer, wake up!” I barked as I approached his bed. He mumbled, and I shook him.

“Wha…what?” he protested.

“Spence, Mason has been in some sort of accident, and he’s in a Seattle hospital. I need to go see him.” Hearing that, he awoke with a start, and I could see his adrenaline take over.

“Uh…fuck, an accident? Shit…are you doing okay?” he asked with concern as he sat up. He tried to comprehend the alarming news like I was trying to do.

“I’m going to pack a duffel and get to the bus station. I checked, and there’s a bus leaving in about an hour. It’ll take me all day to get up there.”

Spencer’s eyes finally focused. “Do you want company? I can call us a rideshare.” I appreciated his loyalty and would probably like having his support, but I felt I’d figure things out easier on my own. I had Mom to contact, and Emily had given me Eli’s mobile number. I’d never experienced this type of thing before, and I was trying not to panic.

“No, I’ll be fine. I just didn’t want to leave without letting you know,” was all I got out before Spencer threw his arms around me in a big hug. It made my throat tighten, and I squeezed him back hard. I told him I’d call him later when I knew more, and he walked me to the door, his arm around my shoulder.

Once I’d packed some essentials, I got a rideshare to the bus station. It started to rain as soon as the driver pulled up, so I rushed in, purchased a one-way ticket, and sat in the waiting area until the boarding call. The bus wouldn’t arrive in downtown Seattle until around five o’clock, and it killed me not to be by Mason’s side already. My adrenaline had almost worn off, and my emotions soon rose to the surface—my eyes filled with tears, and I began to shake slightly.

Why didn’t I tell Mason I loved him? He needs to hear those exact words, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to tell him first thing when I saw him.

I centered myself as best I could when I dialed Mom’s number. She answered right away, and I told her what had happened and that I was at the bus station on my way to Seattle. She was a rock on the phone and helped calm me down. As with Spencer, she wanted regular updates once I got there.

My next call was to Eli. I dialed his mobile number, and after a few rings, he answered hesitantly. He didn’t have my number, so I figured his resistance to answering was because it was an out-of-state number.

“Hi, Eli…it’s Connor,” I said, keeping my composure.

“Oh, Hi, Connor,” he replied. He sounded out of breath and in a rush.

“Did I catch you at a bad time? I can call back in a bit.”

“No, no. I was just in my storage area at home looking for Mason’s legal documents.”

“So, the hospital in Seattle called you?” I asked

“Yes, they said they called you first as his emergency contact. That surprised me since I thought I was his emergency number.” I could tell he was a bit put out, but he had no malice in his voice.

“Might be something for us to discuss with him later.” I hesitated, not hearing a response from him. It wasn’t the time to hash that out. “I’m about to board a bus for Seattle, but it will take me most of the day to get there. This is all so sudden, but are you headed up to Seattle too?”

“I planned to, but I can’t leave without finding all his legal papers. At least he had a directive and a will. I need to find the signed power of attorney, but I don’t see it here. I’ll keep looking.” When Eli spoke, I knew he was reeling from the news as well. “I told the hospital I’d scan and send the power of attorney electronically if they needed it right away, and they can contact me should they need any decisions made before I get there.”

“Did they give you any indication as to what happened? They didn’t tell me.” I wanted to know if he had any more details than I’d been told.

“Apparently, boxes of heavy freight gave way from a defective pallet that collapsed. They’re still investigating. At least there were two other guys there who saw what happened.”

“Holy shit. This is fucking unreal.” My tears finally fell, and I placed a hand on my forehead. My voice was weak and shaky.

“Hey, hey! You know he’s one tough fucker, and he’ll be okay,” he said, trying to sound convincing. I didn’t think he believed his own words.

“Eli…I love him so much. I don’t know how to be strong here,” I whimpered.

“Have you told him you loved him yet? You and I talked about that when you came through town this past summer.”

I suddenly felt guilty. “No, I haven’t, and I think that’s another reason this is hitting me so hard,” I sniffled. “But I plan on telling him now if it’s not too late.”

“That, my friend, will be the first thing you tell him at his bedside,” he ordered. “He needs to hear it.”

“I will. I promise,” I replied. “You have my number now, so will you let me know when you’ll be in Seattle? I assume you have the hospital information too?”

“Yes…I’ll call you. And please, let me know everything you see or find out when you get there.”

“Definitely!” I said before we disconnected the call. I had just put my phone away when the boarding announcement was made.

I didn’t know what to expect when I got there, but I knew what I needed to say.

The bus to Seattle arrived around six-thirty p.m. From there, I took a rideshare to Harborside. Since Emily, the nurse, had given me some information about Mason, I at least knew where to go. A lot had happened between the phone call and my arrival, but I found Mason where Emily told me he would be—in the ICU. Visiting hours were over in about an hour, and the ICU visits were even stricter.

I hesitated and took a deep breath before approaching the nurses’ station. I felt useless, alone, and ignorant, not even knowing what to ask. There was a male nurse feverishly typing on a keyboard, his focus directed toward the computer screen. Suddenly, I felt someone touch my arm, and I turned to see a nurse who looked like she had years of experience under her belt. The pink scrubs accentuated her fair complexion. It calmed me for some reason.

She smiled. “May I help you?” she asked with a caring demeanor. Tears welled in my eyes, and one fell down my cheek, and my throat tightened. Although she was a stranger, I had the urge to pull her into a hug, but I felt it wouldn’t be appropriate. She simply leaned over the counter where we were standing and handed me a box of tissues, which I readily accepted.

“My boyfriend is here. His name is Mason Hardy,” I said, barely keeping my composure.

I’m sure she noticed the look of devastation on my face as she guided me over to a cushioned bench in the hallway. I noticed her laminated name badge, adorned with different nursing pins, attached to her scrubs. The name, ‘Sam,’ was printed on it, but I didn’t focus on her last name in a smaller font below it.

Once we sat down, she faced me. “I’m Sam. I’m Mason’s night nurse,” she said quietly. The continual din of beeping monitors made me think of the casino noises in Vegas. It was so quiet in the ICU, yet the beeping irritated my ears. I came out of my thoughts and told Sam my name was Connor.

She smiled again. “Nice to meet you, Connor, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”

My stomach twisted as I asked, “How is he?” I wanted to know but dreaded any more bad news.

“He’s stable but unconscious right now. I can show you to his room, but our visiting hours are almost over,” she explained.

“I know I’m only his boyfriend, but what about his condition? What happened?” I asked in a bewildered and irritated tone.

She kept her voice low and calm as she spoke. “Connor, I know you have many questions, but you need to understand that even though you’re his boyfriend, I’m not able to reveal his medical condition to you. You aren’t considered immediate family.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she stopped me. “It’s my understanding that another friend of his has power of attorney, and he’s on his way. We can only give details to him, but he can give you the authority to know as well. You just need to wait until he gets here and talks to the doctors.”

I was beside myself, obsessed with worry, angry at the medical system, and upset Eli wasn’t here yet. I felt stuck in limbo. I clenched my fists hard, my nails digging into my palms, as I sat there. I took a deep, much-needed breath to relax. She wasn’t to blame, and I relented by nodding to her.

“Here, let me take you to his room, and you can at least see him for a few minutes if you’d like,” she offered when she stood up. “You can come back tomorrow morning and spend more time with him then.”

We walked past the nurse’s station, and the male nurse I’d seen earlier gave me a pinched smile on our way to Mason’s room. I held my duffel bag to my chest as if it were a lifeline, and I could feel my hands shake.

I wasn’t prepared for what I saw when we walked into his room. Sam laid a hand on my arm as I stood there, and I welcomed her touch, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take another step toward his bed. There was so much to take in. His room had no light other than the soft, fluorescent strip behind his hospital bed. The only other light came from the blinking monitors that surrounded him and their continued damned beeping.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, dear, but rest assured, he’s monitored at all times,” she said.

I’d never seen so many tubes and monitors attached to someone before. It felt like I was on the set of a mad scientist horror movie, and Mason was the experiment.

Mason had numerous wires attached to his chest and scalp, and his head was wrapped in white gauze. Tubes protruded from the side of his mouth, and he had multiple IVs flowing through more tubes into his good arm. His other arm was wrapped in bandages that wound around his collarbone, and it was positioned in a stationary brace across his chest, which was wrapped as well. The beeping monitors were accompanied by another unit helping him breathe. I watched it as its bellows compressed, which in turn made Mason’s chest rise.

Sam patted my arm and said quietly, “I’ll leave you for a few minutes. I’ll come get you when I need to check his IV.” She walked out, but I couldn’t get my feet to move. I gripped my duffel tighter, my mental life preserver.

I quietly dropped my duffel and walked to the side of his bed, where his free arm lay by his side. I took hold of his hand. It was warm, and that comforted me. He didn’t move, not even an eyelid flutter, other than what the machine was doing to make his chest rise and fall.

I hadn’t done much praying in my life, but it seemed to be the perfect time to practice. I lifted Mason’s arm without disturbing the needles and held the back of his hand against my cheek as I bent down. No sooner had I done that than my tears fell, making his hand damp.

I closed my eyes as I stood there, not wanting to let go, and told the universe to bring him back to me. I needed to tell him I loved him.

When Sam came back to Mason’s room to check his IV, she regretfully told me I needed to leave. I didn’t have any place to go, so she directed me to the cafeteria and to where a waiting lounge was located outside the ICU. Luckily, the hospital had waiting lounges where I could spend the night. I knew sleep wouldn’t be coming my way as I was too wired up. I hadn’t thought to bring a book with me, only my earphones, so I could listen to music. The scattered magazines in the lounge were outdated and torn, which didn’t help my anxiety. I hated not being by Mason’s side, but I would be with him in a few hours. I sat down and called Eli to tell him what I knew. He said he was on his way.

I dozed off after a couple of hours and awoke to the sounds of a hospital coming to life in the early morning. I looked at my phone, and it was almost seven a.m. I needed coffee. Thankfully, the cafeteria had some good brew, and then I realized I was in Seattle, the coffee Mecca of the Northwest. Once I’d got a large Styrofoam mug filled and doctored the way I liked it, I headed back to the ICU.

I took a detour to the men’s room, washed my face, and brushed my teeth, feeling a little more human and presentable. I would need to figure out where to stay besides crashing in the waiting areas of the hospital. I knew I’d need to find a cheap hotel room for a few days. I plopped back down in the waiting room since I had another hour before I could see Mason when visiting hours started. It was a good time to call Mom and Spencer to let them know I made it okay and update them on Mason’s condition.

After almost an hour, I noticed more staff, with an occasional patient, traversing the hallways. I got to the ICU and rounded the corner to the nurse’s station, where I saw Eli talking to a young nurse. I quickly hurried to his side and slightly bumped his shoulder. My arrival stopped their conversation abruptly.

Eli turned, and I instinctively threw my arms around him. He didn’t say anything but returned my embrace. I let go and stepped back—the look on his face was relaxed and calm, which I needed to see.

“Morning, Connor,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Have you been here in the hospital all night?”

“I have, yes,” I replied, then quickly added, “The waiting area isn’t so bad, but hardly a place to spend the night. I think I’ll need to find a cheap hotel close by.”

Eli nodded. “We’ll talk about that, but first, let’s talk to the doctors and find out what the deal is with Mason.” He gestured a thumb to the nurse he’d been talking to. “Colleen here told me the critical care physician and the neurologist will be making rounds soon. We can talk to them together.”

I felt so grateful to have Eli take control and maintain such a calm demeanor. My anxiety level had been growing through the night, but Eli helped center the worrying chatter in my head. All I could think of to say was, “Thank you.”

Colleen took us to Mason’s room. He didn’t look any different than the previous night—neither did the room. Eli glanced in my direction as we entered.

“Fuck me!” he said under his breath.

“I know.”

There were two chairs. One was a hard-looking recliner pushed against the wall on the side furthest from us, and the other was a folding chair. There was also a rolling stool at the opposite end of the room. I opted for the folding chair, and Eli rolled the stool over to sit at the end of the bed. I sidled up next to Mason to hold his hand. I hadn’t noticed how big his room was last night. Then again, my eyes had only been on Mason’s sleeping form.

Mason’s hand was limp but warm, and I wished I could have felt his grip in return. I couldn’t take my eyes off his chest that rose and fell with the ventilator. I wanted to crawl onto the bed and hold him.

“Good morning, sweet man,” I said gently, then kissed the top of his hand.

“Have you been talking to him?” Eli asked.

I placed Mason’s hand on my cheek when I looked in Eli’s direction. “No. All I did was hold his hand and cry until I had to leave. I didn’t have the chance to spend much time with him.”

Eli looked at the floor as he sat on the stool with his elbows on his knees. “You know he’s in a coma, right?” I nodded.

Eli took a deep breath and said, “When I got to the hospital this morning, they directed me up here. I found Mason’s legal documents shortly after we spoke on the phone yesterday. I am his power of attorney, so I gave copies to Colleen for his chart. They have his health directive and living will information too. I drove all night to get here.”

I could see how tired he was, not only from the drive but from hunting down and finding Mason’s papers. I was sure the adrenaline he’d had was long gone.

“When was the last time you ate?” I asked, knowing he probably hadn’t eaten or it was snacky stuff and coffee from the gas stations he’d stopped at along the way.

“I haven’t,” he replied flatly. “I haven’t been hungry.”

Eli was such a loyal friend to Mason. I had that same friendship with Spencer. I felt all four of us were lucky to have such strong bonds with each other.

I never let go of Mason’s hand. “Okay, I haven’t eaten either, so once we get some answers from the doctors, I say we head to the cafeteria.” Eli agreed.

Suddenly, we heard one of the monitors beep erratically. Then, a long, continuous beep and a shrill alarm. I froze, not knowing what to do, and Eli sat up so fast the stool shot across the room. Two nurses rushed into the room seconds later, one yelling, “Code Blue!” down the hall. A man in a lab coat followed close behind and told Eli and me to step outside.

“What the fuck is happening?” I cried out, my head whipping from side to side, waiting for an answer. Eli grabbed my arm and ushered us both into the hallway. I saw two more nurses pushing a cart toward his room, and I almost tripped over myself, trying to get out of their way.

I didn’t want to leave Mason as I saw one of the nurses doing chest compressions. Eli pulled me down the hall to sit on the bench where Sam and I had sat the night before.

“It looks like he’s had some sort of heart attack, Connor,” Eli said as he held my arm in a tight grip. “Let them do their job, and he’ll be fine.” I turned my head as I heard footsteps echo down the hall—two other doctors rushed into his room. My chest felt tight, and I found it hard to breathe. Eli gently pushed my head down and told me to take deep breaths through my nose and to slow my breathing.

“He’s going to be fine,” Eli repeated. I think he was trying to convince himself Mason would be okay. All I heard was that damn long beep.

I felt the world was suffocating me.