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sixteen

ada

M y attempt to relax on the couch backfires. I find it almost impossible to get comfortable. My breath becomes labored as self-doubt and dark, ugly feelings, feelings I thought were long dead and buried, bubble to the surface. Ulgan’s confession last night made my heart soar, then plummet to the ground. My feelings for him have grown quickly, and that scares the shit out of me.

Picking up my phone, I dial Rue’s number, as the room closes in on me. Finally, she picks up on the third ring. “Hey, babe.”

The dam breaks. No longer able to hold back the tears that’d been carefully locked away, panicked sobs overwhelm my body. “Rue, I need you.” I’m barely able to get the words out.

A short time later the front door opens and Rue rushes in, pulling me close. “You need to breathe, babe. Cry all you want, but remember to breathe.”

Eventually the sobs subside. Rue brushes my hair. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Wiping away my tears, it’s time to finally say out loud what caused me to break down.

Rue listens intently as I explain to her what happened with Ulgan the night before.

“I’m going to be honest with you, okay? We have no secrets between us. I saw Ulgan this morning already.”

I immediately feel like crying again. She has?

“How is he?” Guilt claws at me, waiting for her to speak.

“He looks about as bad as you do right now.”

I did that to him. My fucked up head ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

“Can I ask something?” Rue asks. I nod, giving her the okay, but now I’m finding it difficult to look her in the eyes.

“You’ve been through so much loss in your life, and that’s made you think that people and relationships are moments away from disappearing.”

“Is there a question in there?” I say, feeling defensive for having my deepest fear exposed. Fuck, I hate feeling vulnerable like this.

She reaches over, holding both of my hands in hers. “Do you think that I’m temporary?”

Of course not. Rue is the best friend I’ve ever had. We’ve been through the highs and lows of life together, and she’s always been there. Rue’s the sister that I had always dreamed of growing up.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Okay, we’re getting somewhere,” she says. “What about Mom? Or Hannah? Or Isla? They each love you fiercely. Do you think that they are all temporary in your life? Do you really think that they’ll disappear one day too?”

All of them have shown me more love and acceptance than anyone outside of Mom, Dad, and Granny. “No. None of you are temporary.”

“Do you truly, deep down in your heart, believe that Ulgan will wake up one morning and just leave? Obviously, I haven’t been following you two around like a creep, but it’s clear to anyone who has spent a second with the both of you that there’s love between you. Not just short term infatuation like those gross teenagers that you see making out at the mall. What you and Ulgan have is soul deep. It’s one of those loves that you read about in your book porn.”

Rue’s words flow through me, easing some of my earlier feelings, but the scared and lonely little girl in me still needs some time to process everything. The mere idea of being Ulgan’s mate conjures images of a future filled with love, acceptance, and joy. Giving in and accepting that could mean that it all gets taken away from me. First, my parents and grandmother. Could I handle another loss? Is it worth the risk?

“I hear you, but I need time to clear my mind and sort through how I’m feeling.”

“That’s understandable. How about I get out of here and give you some time alone? Be forewarned that I’m coming back tomorrow if I don’t hear from you.” She gets up from her spot next to me and strolls right out the front door.

As always, she’s right. I need to do something instead of just sitting here feeling like crap. Setting up my painting supplies, I get to work. With each brush stroke, the chaos within my mind is nowhere near ready to settle.

This has become a routine of mine. Whenever life was too much for me to handle, painting helped to bring me back to myself. The walls of my cottage are now adorned with what I lovingly call my, ‘Holy-fuck-I’m-stressed creations.’ Radiant flowers of all kinds, little fairy villages, and other fantasy scenes can be found adorning every available surface. The sun begins to set before I notice that the day has gotten away from me. Putting the finishing touches on the miniature mushrooms above the bathroom light switch, it’s evident that I was far more overwhelmed than I thought.

My stomach is growling at me to feed it. After a quick meal of leftovers, there’s no energy left in my body to do anything other than sleep. Painting today helped to physically calm me down, but my mind is still a mess. Hopefully some rest will help me to make sense of the warring feelings inside.

In the morning, I’m ripped from my sleep by a loud banging on my front door. Throwing on my robe, I march to find the asshole that woke me up. Rubbing the crud from my eyes, and opening the door, I’m nearly run over by Rue as she barges her way into the house.

“You’ve added some new additions to the walls, I see.” She walks over to the closed living room curtains and whips them open. I throw a hand up to cover my eyes. “Enough moping, it’s time that you and I had a conversation. Take a seat, and I’ll get some tea ready.” Two steaming cups of tea appear on the coffee table in front of us, and we sit down on the couch. “Have you eaten yet this morning? No, you probably haven’t. Now, you eat that and just listen to what I have to say,” she says, pointing to a plate that has a mouthwatering eggs benedict and a heaping pile of shredded hashbrowns on it.

There are many reasons why I love Rue, and her ability to conjure me eggs benny is certainly one of them.

“Did you have a chance to think about what I said?” she asks, staring me down.

“Yes. You’re right.” Wow, that’s hard to admit.

“I always am, but could you be more specific?”

This bitch…

“I do worry that everyone in my life is going to leave. I’m afraid that there’s something wrong with me that makes people not want to stick around. Obviously, my family didn’t purposefully do it, but there’s a part of me that’s pissed that I spent so much time feeling alone. It’s something that I need to work on, and now I’m terrified that I ruined things with Ulgan because of it.” Getting that off my chest makes me feel one thousand pounds lighter. Angeline was right, I do need to talk to someone about my grief.

“What are you going to do now? What does Ada want to do right now?” Rue asks.

I’ve let my past dictate my future for far too long. It’s up to me to ensure that I have the future that I deserve, with a partner that will love me unconditionally, and allows me to do the same.

“I need to go.” I push myself up and speed toward the front door, only stopping to give Rue a quick hug. I need to go find him!

“Go get your man!” Rue shouts from the open door as I make my way toward the bakery. Of course, I was so focused on leaving that I forgot my umbrella. Heavy rain falls from the sky in sheets, soaking through my sweatshirt, making me shiver. I pull open the door to the bakery and head over to the counter, ringing the service bell probably one too many times. Benji pokes his head around the corner.

“Hi Ada, I’ll be with you in one moment.”

“Benji, is Ulgan here? I need to speak to him.” I should be embarrassed that I sound so frantic, but I don’t care anymore.

“The boss isn’t here right now, but he should be upstairs at his place,” he says, giving me a curious look.

“Thank you!” I turn and run from the shop to the back staircase. Climbing the stairs two at a time, I’m out of breath by the time I reach the top and knock on the door insistently.

It slowly opens, and standing in front of me is a statuesque and gorgeous orc woman around my age. She looks familiar, and it takes me a moment to remember where I’ve seen her before.

“Hi, can I help you?” she asks, her brows furrow as I stand there panting. She brushes her long black hair out of her face to get a better look at me.

“Um, is Ulgan here? Can you tell him that Ada needs to speak to him?” I must look like a soaked cat, rain still pouring down on me.

“You’re Ada?” Her eyes grow wide with recognition. “Ulgan!” she shouts into the apartment. She turns back to me, placing her arm around my back to guide me inside. “Come in and get out of the rain. I’m Ulgan’s sister, Selene. I’ve been dying to meet you.” Her joy is written all over her face.

Finally getting a good look at her, I realize that Selene is basically a supermodel. She’s one of those girls who would look chic in anything she wears. She’s currently wearing an oversized sweatshirt and bike shorts, and looks like she just stepped out of a magazine photoshoot.

“What are you shouting for?” Ulgan says, sounding annoyed coming out of his bedroom. I’m currently hidden behind his much taller sister. Selene moves to the side, revealing me, and Ulgan is unable to hide the surprise on his face. Those beautiful eyes of his light up when he spots me.

“Ada,” he whispers, making his way to me slowly, as if he’s afraid he’ll startle me. I must really look like a soaked cat if he thinks he’ll startle me. “Love, what are you doing here? You’re soaking wet. Come with me so we can get you dried off.” He places his arm around my shoulders, and we start to make our way to his bedroom when a musical voice sounds behind us.

“Ulgie, I know that you aren’t going to rush past me without introducing me to your friend.”

Ulgie? Well, if that isn’t the cutest nickname.

“Mom, this is Ada. Ada, this is my mother, Edie. Mom, you can get to know her better once I have her in some warm clothes.”

Edie is so freaking cute.

She’s much smaller than Ulgan and Selene, but still towers over me. The radiant older orc is wearing a charming pink floral dress with a cream cardigan resting over her shoulders. Her gray hair is pulled back into a long neat braid.

“Hurry back, Ulgie. Ada and I are going to be fast friends, I can just tell.” I quickly wave to her, as he ushers me into his bedroom.

This is my first time in his bedroom, and the nosy part of me looks around quickly. His bed is gigantic, taking up most of the room. It’s covered with a light gray comforter that works well with the cream colored walls and light wood furniture. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made all of this furniture himself.

Closing the door behind him, he spins, eyes landing on me. In my eagerness to get here, I didn’t actually think about what I would actually say once I saw him.

“Dammit, I missed you,” he says, trying to pull me toward him.

Placing my hands on his chest I stop him. “I don’t want to get you wet.” What am I even saying? Being in his arms is the only place I want to be.

“Fuck that. I don’t care about a little water, I just need to hold you.” We stand holding on to one another in silence. Placing my head on his chest, he rests his chin on top of my head, breathing me in.

Lifting my head, I muster all of the bravery I can. “Ulgan, I’m so sorry about the other night. I was overwhelmed, and it was unfair of me to leave the way I did. You shouldn’t have to pay for what others have done to me. I'm so sorry.” I almost let this incredible man slip through my fingers.

It’s then I notice that tears are streaming down my face. In an instant, his callused thumbs are on my cheeks, brushing them away. His eyes shine with unshed tears of his own.

“Ada, you have nothing to apologize for. Orcs are raised understanding how fated mates work. It’s a lot for you to process, and I never want you to feel rushed. My hope is that one day you’ll give me the chance to earn your love,” he says.

“That’s the thing though, you’ve already got it.” I love him. I love Ulgan Durzum so much, and it feels amazing to finally admit it to myself.

“Sunshine, what are you saying? Please, love. Please, give me the words.”

“I love you, Ulgan. You’re my mate, and I’m yours,” I say in between sobs.

“You’re mine?” he asks, uncertainty still lingering between us.

“Yes, Ulgan. I’m yours. I’m all yours, if you’ll still have me.”

Please. Please don’t say that it’s too late.

“Thank Goddess.” He quickly pulls me closer to him again and kisses me, except this isn’t some sweet kiss like before. This is a kiss filled with longing and desperation. He devours my mouth like a thirsty man who’s finally been given a drink. He places kisses across my face, starting at my cheeks, before moving to the bridge of my nose, and eyelids. “I love you with everything that I am, Ada. You are everything that I thought I would never have. I love you so much, Sunshine.”

His declaration makes me feel lighter than air. He lifts me in his strong arms, and my legs wrap around his waist. He presses my body against the back of the door, going back to devouring my mouth.

His lips return to mine, but before we can go any further, there’s a knock on his bedroom door.

“Ulgan, are the two of you almost done in there?” his mother’s voice asks sweetly from the other side.

My hands fly to cover my mouth. “Could they hear us?” I whisper from behind my hands, mortified.

Before he can respond, his mother shouts, “Yes dear, but don’t you worry, we’re leaving.”

Okay, it’s official. This is easily the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I wouldn’t mind if the earth opened up and swallowed me whole right now.

Ulgan’s hand rests on my cheek, forcing me to look at him. “It’s going to be okay. Let’s get you some dry clothes and go out there, but this is far from over. Once they’re gone, you are mine.”

My core clenches on nothing, and I silently curse that we aren’t alone. The primal way he said “ mine ” has flames of desire coursing through my veins. He hands me a dry t-shirt and a pair of shorts that are far too big. He helps me roll the shorts so they don’t fall down. Then, I realize I can’t stall anymore. It’s time to face his family.