Page 38

38

Calista

T his isn’t good.

Goddamn them, they said they took care of the fucking police! That it didn’t matter the outcome of their blackmail, they’d take care of me.

But who am I kidding? I ghosted them, told them I wouldn’t fulfill what they asked of me. Why did I think they’d keep their end when I didn’t keep mine?

I never wanted this, and now I’m stuck between a hard place and Ronan. If I tell him the truth, he will leave me. It doesn’t matter the reason, because I’d do the same. There are no redeemable qualities in me after what I’ve done, and now, if the police suspect that I’ve set my townhouse on fire, everything will come to light.

I’m so fucked.

I’m so, so fucked.

I ring the doorbell at my mother’s place. I’d left my key in a rush to leave, not really thinking about it. Ronan was quiet the entire time I got ready, and it makes me sick leaving him angry with me. My dad would always tell me to never leave when you’re upset with somebody because you never know what could happen.

For a moment, I thought about telling my mom I’d need a raincheck, but I knew Ronan would just press me until I told him everything. In the end, I probably would’ve caved. Then I’d lose him, and I’m not ready for that.

Maybe my mom can help with the police. I was careful, making it look like an accident—every detail in place. I knew exactly what to do: cooking, moving the pot from the stove, but leaving the burner on by ‘mistake’. Then, just like clockwork, Gene called me after her shift. I let the conversation drag on longer than it should have. We’d left the window open for the cat, and the wind blew the curtain.

It caught the couch.

Then the faux fur rug.

I watched it, I should know. It rolled across the space so quickly once it had an ignition.

“Oh my god, Gene! The house!”

Closing my eyes as I feel heat building under my temples. Ronan is the only one that can see through my lies, and I feel it’s karma being a bitch.

Gene never saw through my lie.

My mom didn’t when I told her I had to move into the cabin.

The door opens suddenly, pulling me from my memories of the day that changed my life.

My mom, with her ashen blonde hair that’s nearly gray, smiles wearily at me. She’s got bags under her eyes and she looks like she’s been crying. I feel like I’m on my way there, maybe we can break down together.

How I even got into this position is her fault, yet I’m still empathetic to her pain. She didn’t deserve to fall into addiction, but I sure as hell didn’t deserve to suffer because of it.

“Hey, sweetheart. Come on in.”

I smile weakly at her, and nod, following her and down the hallway through the house.

“How’re you, Mom?” I ask, trying to keep up as we walk quickly into the dining room and then into the kitchen. She’s got two glasses, one already poured and the other empty.

“Not good.” She opens the fridge, and I settle onto the bench seat at the island. I glance outside; the sun is still high, and I see the trees we planted almost a decade ago, now mature enough to give the illusion of a forest.

My mom offered this house to me when she was ready to retire. Now, I’m hoping I can ask for the cabin instead. I feel like that suits me… and Ronan, more, if I can fix what I’ve done.

“When was the last time you saw Eamon?”

She pulls out a bottle of vino and pours me a glass. “A week ago.”

My eyes go wide. “Oh my god, and you’re just telling me now?”

“I was hoping it wouldn’t last.” She picks up her drink and takes a sip.

I, too, have to take one because I can’t believe she hadn’t called me earlier. Was this after Eamon came over to the cabin? Had he told Ronan something… wait…

“…it will hurt you in some way regardless, I’m sure.”

Had Eamon told him something was going on with him and my mom?

After taking another drink, I look back at her. One of her arms hugs around her slender waist, and it’s now I’m taking in her full appearance. It isn’t just her face that looks tired, but she’s… shaking. I’ve not seen my mom in sweatpants since I was in high school, and moreover, she’s wearing a beat-up shirt.

Silence hangs over us like a ghost, and we are defiling its grave. It’s waiting for the right moment to shout at us, showing us it’s here, and that we aren’t welcome.

“Mom?” I finally say.

Her eyes look distant as she stares through me.

“What did you do?” Her question comes as a surprise to me.

Blinking rapidly and shake my head. “I’m sorry?”

Her eyebrows come together, the wrinkles in her forehead more prominent than ever. “Ronan…”

I swear I can’t breathe.

She takes the rest of her wine down in one gulp. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Eamon told her, maybe in an attempt to show he was on her side? Oh fuck, what if she blames me and Ronan for their issues? I should’ve just told her— damn it !

“Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but—”

“But fucking nothing!” She slams her glass onto the counter, and it shatters everywhere. I jerk back in my seat, just staring at her. “You’ve brought this on yourself. After everything you went through—”

“Because of you…” I reminder her.

Blood pools from her hand onto the white marble island.

“Have I taught you nothing?” My eyes widen while my stomach slowly sinks inward, completely devouring itself in the process. “You can’t run away from your past no matter how hard you try.”

“It was self-defense! He is an amazing person, Mom! You are such a fucking hypocrite!” I swear it takes everything in me not to throw my drink at her. Why am I even staying for this? I swore she wanted to talk about her and Eamon’s relationship. Girl talk does not involve degrading my choice in men.

She’s just a jealous bitch that I got the better brother.

“I could care less what he did, Cal.” Her tone is pained, like it’s me hurting her . “It’s what you didn’t do.”

“I was going to tell you about us…”

Her breathing is becoming heavier, and I just can’t believe this is all over a man. Did she forget her drug addiction got me gang raped? I’ve always disregarded the ugly that my mother was, but it’s coming out in full swing right in front of my face.

As a tear rolls down her cheek, she shakes her head. “No, Calista. They told you to take care of him, but instead, you went and fell in fucking love.” Her gaze then travels over my shoulder. “Please don’t hurt her.”

My vision blurs, and before I can even get to my feet, a rough hand slaps over my mouth. I kick my feet out, slamming my back into the chair and sending whoever has me flying to the ground. Unfortunately, I go down with them.

A strong arm wraps around my waist, the hand staying clamped over my mouth. I scream into the palm and kick downward, my foot connecting with their shin, making them howl in pain.

“Stupid cunt!” he grits through his teeth.

“Cal, stop fighting please!” My own fucking mother comes and pins my legs down to the ground. “Please stop, he isn’t going to hurt you!”

I don’t stop, I can’t. Throwing my head back I feel it make contact with something hard, and I hear another scream of pain.

“You just need to finish what they fucking told you, sweetheart, please. His life isn’t worth yours!”

The man’s grip around me tightens, and then suddenly our positions shift. My face is pushed hard against the floor, and my arms are pinned between his knees at my hips.

“Bring in the other bitch, maybe that will calm her down.”

“Ronan!!” I scream out, but it’s strained with the weight of him pressing me down. “H-Help me!”

As if he could hear me all the way from the cabin.

“No! No! Please don’t do this. I love him—I’ll do anything!”

A hand grips tightly at my hair, tearing my head back. That’s when I see something straight out of my nightmare.

I just need my heart to stop. Get me out of this the easy way. Let me die, because I know now that I’m trapped, and I’ll never be free until I do what they’ve been threatening me with from the start.

Tears stream down my face as I sob, my chest heaving with the weight of unbearable pain.

Everything hurts, and I’m unable to go through with this…

I can’t kill Ronan.

I’d rather die instead…