Page 99 of Hearts and Hidden Secrets

CARSON

When I woke, it took a minute before everything came back to me.

Once it did, it came in a rush.

The club.

Jonah.

Being kidnapped.

Running in the woods.

Jonah.

Sex with Jonah.

Tanner.

Threats.

Jonah.

His family.

Almost getting to my family.

And then— BANG !

He’d brought me back to their house, to the lock room.

He’d asked if I wanted to go to a different room, but this was the one I was familiar with. There was a lock. Security feeds. I felt safe here, and how the tides had changed.

It was dark in here, but I heard a rustling, and a second later, a weight settled on the bed next to me. I felt hands smoothing my hair back, touching my face, running down my arms.

I knew whose hands those were.

He moved in closer, and I leaned forward, my forehead resting on his shoulder.

He held me, like he’d held me in the vehicle, all the way back here again.

I felt him tense.

The peaceful moment was gone. Whatever he was going to say was going to ruin it. I felt him preparing.

I couldn’t get that guy out of my head, his gun pointed at me.

“I didn’t fight him,” I said.

“What?” Jonah dipped his head down, his breath warming my shoulder.

“He came to kill me, and I didn’t fight him. I stopped as soon as he said to.”

“If you hadn’t, he might’ve tried to kill you sooner. He was a professional. His job is literally to kill. You waited, and that gave him some time. It helped. You standing there made him stand there, and that helped. It did.”

“I could’ve kept running.”

“He would’ve shot you. I saw his face. He wasn’t going to chase you in the waiting lounge. If you had reached for the door, he would’ve killed you then and there. You stopped and faced him, and he took his time. Trust me.” His lips grazed over my skin. “It helped. It did.”

I guessed that was something then.

“I didn’t want to see him when he killed me. I was thinking of my family.” I turned my head. Mere inches separated our mouths. “I thought of you.”

His eyes darkened, softening. He cupped the side of my face, and his thumb rubbed my cheek. Tenderly. My heart was breaking because I knew he couldn’t feel the same as I did.

I was going to say it anyway.

“I fell in love with you.” The words rushed out of me in one breath.

I didn’t register his reaction. I almost didn’t even want to see it. I just wanted him to know because that’s the kind of person I was. I left no stone unturned, no regrets. I didn’t hold back.

“I think I fell in love with you when you looked at me in that morgue,” I said.

“You were standing over her, but when you looked at me, I just felt it. And I’ve continued to feel it.

It’s made me go a little mad, because I didn’t want to admit it.

I didn’t want to feel what I feel when I’m around you, but I do.

” I took a breath. This was the hardest part.

“You never would’ve come into my life if she hadn’t died.

But she did, and it’s like she brought you to me.

I feel so horrible admitting that because a part of me thinks that’s beautiful.

I’m grateful. But a part of me is so sad, because it was her death.

She should’ve had a full life, and she isn’t going to.

You loved her, and you have to feel that loss.

But I love you. I do. And now you know.”

I waited, my heart not beating.

I’d been focused on his mouth, but it didn’t move.

I lifted my gaze.

His eyes were closed. He held himself rigid next to me.

My heart sank.

That was the opposite of what I had hoped for.

My hand covered his against my cheek.

He opened his eyes, and I saw torment there.

God . I’d done that to him. I made him feel like that.

My heart split all over again.

“It’s okay if you don’t love me back. I mean, how could you? You still love her?—”

“I don’t.”

“What?”

“It’s… I did love her. A part of me still does, but…”

I waited.

I kept waiting.

This was torture.

He lifted his head and gave me a sad smile.

Not good. So not good.

He reached for my leg and pulled it over his lap. The other went behind him, and he tugged me even closer, one of his arms going around behind me. I rested my head on his shoulder again.

A small sigh left him, and he settled his head on top of mine.

“My family is very powerful,” he began. “And you’re right.

I never answered you before, but we are mafia.

We run almost all of Canada, and most of the Midwest. Kai is the head of our family.

Tanner’s next in line. Brooke isn’t a part of it, and neither am I, but we are in a way.

We’re still Bennetts. It’s complicated. There are others who want to take over, but we maintain the peace.

Because of that, I’ll never be normal. And I think for the first time, I’m starting to accept that.

I will never be normal. I can never be normal.

I’m not just talking about being a Bennett, being in this family.

I’m talking about how I look, and how I’m different from my siblings.

It’s not a big deal to them, but it is to me.

It’s been a part of me, this looking different from them, but it was never something we talked about.

That’s because of how our father was—or how their father was.

My mom died when I was young, and I remember so little about my time with her.

But nothing was ever talked about, including the fact that my mom had an affair with another guy.

It’s obvious. Whoever he is, whatever ethnicity I am, my dad treated me differently because he knew I wasn’t his.

And I’m not the only one different. It’s Tanner, too.

It might not make sense, but with my dad gone, it’s like we’ve all finally started to get to know each other.

We’re slowly starting to talk to each other about real shit in our lives. ”

He fell silent. “For a long time there was a fear that if we talked about real things, he might kill us—Tanner being gay, what ethnicity I am. He shipped Brooke and me off for a while, like he didn’t want us in the house.

Now it’s different, but I’m realizing how strong his hold was on me.

It kept me quiet, and I’m learning that I had mixed my fear of him with my ability to understand what our family does, what Kai and Tanner do.

That’s not fair to them. I’m just now starting to sort through that. ”

He swallowed, a flash of pain tightening his face.

“My solution was to run away. I went to med school because I wanted to be nothing like my family. I wanted to do good and make up for the bad they do, the bad our dad did. Kai runs the business differently. I know he does, and I know there’s a whole power structure in place, and if we stepped out of our role in it, it would be chaos after.

A lot of people would die. But my brother is a good guy deep down.

Like I am, too, but if something happened to him, happened to Tanner, if Brooke didn’t step up…

” He looked right at me. “I would take over, and I would do it for them. They’re my family.

They’re a part of me.” His eyes grew clouded.

“I’m telling you this so you know from the start who I actually am.

This is the real me. Melissa didn’t know me.

” His hands jerked, a reflex tightening for a moment.

“Brooke was right. I couldn’t trust Melissa, and I hate that now because I should’ve been honest with myself from the beginning.

I did love her, and I’m still grieving her, but a part of me felt what you felt that night, too. ”

Oooooh .

Oh!

My heart started pounding, faster and faster. I leaned closer. “What did you just say?”

A slow grin spread over his face. “I don’t know when I fell in love with you, but I did. I am. I knew it when I saw that gun pointed at you, and I can’t not know it now, if that makes sense. What I’m saying is that I wish I didn’t love you.”

Oh.

“I wish I could walk away from you, not worry about you. Not love you. Not want to be around you, hold you, hear you laugh. Not want to see you in that ridiculous shirt you wore at Bresko’s.

Because if I could, that would be the best thing for you.

I can never not be a Bennett, and that’s what I’d been trying to do before.

I got Melissa killed because I wasn’t accepting myself.

But you’re different. It has to be different with you.

I cannot lose you—not when I just got you, and…

” He shuddered. “Me telling you I love you makes me feel like I’m giving you a death sentence.

I should walk away from you, but I can’t.

But if you walk away from me, if you decide you don’t want me, I will let you go. That’s the only gift I can give you.”

He told me he loved me by telling me he wished he didn’t love me.

It would be funny except for how true it was, and how haunted he’d looked as he said it.

I knew he’d spoken the truth.

“Did they find out who the guy was?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah,” he rasped. “It was a rival family. Kai told me they wanted payback for something he did, but I can’t tell you anything more.

With this family, the less you know, the better.

Trust me. That’s where I’m coming from. You want that?

” He shook his head, his eyes searching mine.

“You can’t want that. You can still walk away from me, from this life.

You should do that. You should want to do that. ”

I started to shake my head.

“No, Carson. Think of your family. Your parents. Your sister,” he said. “You love me, and if we try this, I will come with you. You’re bringing that to them. I—you cannot do that.”

He was right.

He was right .

God.

I didn’t want him to be right.

He pulled away, feeling my thoughts.

I didn’t stop him.

I should’ve stopped him. Right?

He stood, then spoke so softly. “I do love you. It’s new, and I didn’t expect it, but it’s there. I love you enough to know you can’t want this life I would be giving you. We’re new, though. That’s the good thing. It’s easier to walk now than later.”

I was ripped apart.

He was yanking me in half, right down the middle.

He bent, his hands so gentle as he smoothed my hair. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, and that made everything so much worse. He was so loving.

“Everything is done. You’ll be safe from now on. When you’re ready, we’ll drive you to your parents’ house.”

He started to leave, but I grabbed his hand.

I tugged him to the bed. “Tonight.”

His eyes found mine, searching, but he nodded.

He moved back with me, both of us lying down.

Bittersweet.

That’s how the night was, being with him, his mouth on mine, moving inside of me, but knowing this was the last night. I had found my love, my person, but I couldn’t be with him.

Bitter-fucking-sweet.

I hated it.