Page 24 of Healing Her (Pulse Medical #1)

T ears blurred Ashley’s eyes as she speedwalked to Elaine’s office. How had she fucked things up so badly that Jen wanted to leave? She’d barely gotten to California. They’d hardly started their relationship, if that’s what it was. And yet things were so bad that Jen was running off to Minnesota?

Elaine looked up in surprise as Ashley burst through the door of her office. “Ashley? Good heavens, what’s wrong?”

She hadn’t even sat down in one of the chairs in front of Elaine’s desk before the impending tears began to flood their way down her face. “Elaine, I…”

“I’ve never seen you so upset.” Grabbing a box of tissues, Elaine came around the desk and sat in the neighboring chair. She dabbed at Ashley’s face with one of the tissues. “What’s going on?”

“I messed up,” Ashley wept, feeling like she was really, truly crying for the first time in her life. “With Jen. Elaine, I’m such a mess.”

“Jen? Doctor Colton? You mean…” Elaine sat up straight in her surprise. “When did this start? I had no idea.”

“A few weeks ago.” She took the tissue from Elaine, who was sitting very still and blinking and had stopped dabbing at Ashley’s tears.

She folded the damp tissue in half and held it up to her eyes to catch the tears, hoping to stop her makeup from being entirely ruined.

“I didn’t tell anyone. Which is a problem. ”

Elaine shook herself and sat back with a frown. “You’re allowed to keep your personal life personal. It’s rather encouraged here, actually, you know that. And I’m sure Jen knows that, she’s a professional.”

“There’s keeping things personal and then there’s making your more or less girlfriend drive you to your car every morning so you can drive separately to the hospital and ignore her all day .

” The look of horror on Elaine’s face at that was a twin to the one that City had sported just a few days ago.

“See! See, that’s messed up. I understand that now. ”

It took a moment for Elaine to blink and recover herself. “Well, it’s good you understand. But can’t you go apologize to her? Talk to her? I’m sure you can work it out, a pair of intelligent women like yourselves.”

Ashley had to grab a fresh tissue as more tears spilled over. “She’s leaving,” she gasped out, new hurt piercing her heart. “She’s leaving, and I don’t know if she was going to tell me.”

“Oh.” Poor Elaine really did look like she was being hit by a barrage of bricks. It was a lot of information to take in, Ashley knew. Still, she was holding up admirably. “That’s sad to hear. I thought in her time here she’d been doing quite well and that she liked it.”

“She loved it here. I ruined it,” Ashley spat bitterly.

“I let myself get involved, but I had no idea what I was doing. I treated her like trash, and now the hospital’s losing her and so…

” She had to wrap her arms around her middle to hold herself together, it felt so much like she was coming apart at the seams. “And so am I. It’s all my fault. ”

Now she was bent double in her chair, almost hyperventilating as Elaine helplessly patted her back.

She’d never felt anything in her life like she had the last several weeks.

To go from detesting Jen, to realizing she was attracted to her, then the electric thrill of sleeping with her and the unaccustomed, addictive intimacy of talking to someone late into every night, of being known for what felt like the first time…

There had been no time to process any of it, not with how fast it had gone, not with how urgent Maria’s heart situation had been and how much time and attention that had taken in and of itself.

She’d thought there would be time for that, eventually, somehow.

But she had compartmentalized it all too much, too far, pushed eventually too far down the road too fast.

She did think that Jen could have granted her a touch more grace, but she was coming to understand, however slowly, why it hadn’t happened.

Her mind flashed back to the last time she’d seen Jen, in that conference room.

Jen had asked her for one thing. Dinner out, together, in a restaurant.

After explaining as clear as day how hurt she was at being held at arm’s length in public.

And Ashley hadn’t even been able to give her even that much. How dehumanizing.

Slowly, Ashley sat up and felt able to meet Elaine’s anxious gaze. “Are you alright?” her mentor asked, eyes apprehensive.

“I mean, no. But I think I am capable of a rational conversation now.” Some tendrils of her hair had come loose from her updo in the tumult of her tears.

Ashley smoothed them back and tucked them in as best she could.

Taking one more tissue, she gently blotted and wiped under her eyes; if there were mascara trails, she’d deal with them later.

She faced Elaine fully. “I don’t usually ask you for any personal advice.

Our relationship was never built on that.

But I have no one else to talk to about this. Do you have anything that might help?”

“Talk to her,” Elaine said simply. “Do you think you can tell her how you feel? If you haven’t…”

“I haven’t, exactly…” Ashley ducked her head. “We’ve had some amazing long conversations into the night but… not about feelings.”

“Well, no wonder she’s upset with you.” Elaine’s words were a touch harsh, but her tone was light to take the sting out. “You don’t talk about feelings, and you treat her like a pariah at the hospital? She must feel like a… a… I don’t know. A sex puppet.”

“Elaine!” Ashley felt her eyes go wide. She couldn’t exactly dispute it, to her shame, but she also couldn’t believe Elaine had said it.

“It felt necessary to be bold about it. I wanted to be sure it got through.” Again, the words stung, but her eyes were a-twinkle.

“You’ve always been quite sealed off. If Doctor Colton has managed to crack open the closed book of you even a little, that’s amazing, and it deserves a significant amount of respect.

” She patted Ashley’s knee. “Now. What do you know about her leaving?”

“I didn’t hear all of it. I walked up around the end of the conversation, I think. She’s flying out to the Mayo Clinic the day after tomorrow.”

“On Christmas? They must really be interested in her.” Elaine looked impressed.

“I can’t compete with the Mayo Clinic,” Ashley groaned, rubbing her temples. “Nobody could. I tried to get in there twice, they turned me down flat. Of course they want Jen.”

“But I would think you want her more ,” Elaine pointed out, her voice steely. “You are going to fight for this, aren’t you?”

“I don’t see how I can. It sounded like she definitely wanted to leave here no matter what.” The thought made Ashley slump back in her seat once more.

“I’ve never known you to be so defeatist, Ashley.” There was no cheery lilt in Elaine’s voice to ease the blow this time, and that made Ashley look at her closely and pay attention. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You know where you messed things up. You know there must be a way to fix that.”

“Yes, I… I think so,” Ashley replied slowly, her brain beginning to tick over.

Dr. Martin got to her feet, slapping her thighs on the way up. “Well, then. Let’s go get us a nice Christmas dinner somewhere and brainstorm. You won’t be letting that woman go without a fight, I’ll see to it.”

For the first time in days, Ashley felt something that might be… hope?