Page 80 of Haven't Killed in Years

“What happened?” Gwen asked once both girls were repositioned next to each other comfortably.

“I did it,” said Natalie, still hesitant to spell it out.

“Did what?”

“I put the poison in his water bottle. I know you said to bepatient, but I don’t know, I just thought about it and I couldn’t sleep and—”

“Oh,” said Gwen, cutting her off without anything to say.

“Are you mad?” asked Natalie.

Gwen thought for a second. “No, I’m not mad.”

“You seem mad.”

“Well, I’m not,” insisted Gwen, but her harsh tone wasn’t helping.

Natalie climbed out of her bed, hoping Gwen would tell her to stay, but when she didn’t, Natalie sulked back to her side of the room. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“Sorry doesn’t really help anything,” said Gwen.

“What do you want me to say, then?”

“I don’t want you to say anything. You should have listened to me.”

Natalie collapsed onto her bed, crossing her arms. “What do you think is going to happen to him?” she asked.

Gwen shrugged. “I don’t know. Hopefully it doesn’t kill him.”

“What?!” Natalie’s face whipped toward Gwen, her mouth agape.

“It was a bunch of poison, Natalie. I don’t know what it will do.”

“It was your idea!” Natalie shouted.

“Yeah, and it was my idea to wait and be smart about it. Not go dump all of the poison in his water bottle. It was supposed to be a little at a time.” Gwen sighed. “What if you were caught?”

“I wasn’t!”

“Not yet.”

“Well, your idea was stupid,” said Natalie. “You know I can’t control myself. You wanted me to ignore Declan and I did for like two months. Do you know how hard that was? What if I had lost it? Every day I prayed he would leave me alone and that I wouldn’t do anything stupid to him and then you would say it was time. Butevery day you said,Not yet. I don’t think you were ever going to do it. I think you were just pretending you were going to help me!”

“Pretending? Natalie, all I’ve ever done is try to help you!”

“Well, you aren’t helping me. You think you have all the answers, but I don’t need your help anymore. I did it myself.”

“Yeah, and we’ll see how great that turns out.” Gwen rolled over. She was done with the conversation. She wouldn’t be coddling Natalie tonight.

- - - - -

Natalie lay in herbed, unable to sleep. She shouldn’t have said those things to Gwen. She hadn’t meant it. She knew Gwen wanted to help her. She shouldn’t have used the poison, not without Gwen. Hopefully Declan didn’t drink it. Hopefully, if he did, he would be fine.

What would Gwen think if I really hurt him? Gwen said it could kill him. What would Gwen think if I killed him? Would she be afraid of me…It was too much.

Natalie felt her teeth clench and her cheeks warm. She rubbed her hands together to fight the tremors, but they came. Then she was standing in the middle of the room holding her pillow—silence—blinks of sanity amid unconscious rage. She had been holding in so much.

Then she was at Gwen’s bedside. Gwen looked as peaceful as that sleeping dragon Natalie had drawn, before Declan ruined it. Before Declan ruined everything. Natalie lowered the pillow over Gwen’s face.