Page 64 of Haven't Killed in Years

“You can’t go berserk whenever someone makes you mad,” said Gwen. “Everyone here is going to make you mad. You have to stop. No more freak-outs. Do you want to be a zombie all the time? Do you want to be alone again?”

“It’s not like I can help it,” Natalie insisted.

“You need a thing.”

“I tried that, looking at my hands like you said. It didn’t work.”

“Well, then, you have to try something else. You know what I do? I count. I count everything. You should try it. When you get mad, check out—not like you normally do, but find something and count it.”

“That’s not going to work,” said Natalie. “I can’t even think when I get like that. You don’t understand.”

Gwen lay back on her bed, fingers interlaced behind her head.

“What are you doing?” Natalie asked.

“Shh, I’m thinking.”

Natalie inhaled and followed it up with an exaggerated exhale.Gwen had pelted her with questions before she was even fully awake and now she wanted quiet time?

Gwen stared at the ceiling. “Tell me what happens. Like, you’re totally normal and then you’re stabbing someone…What happens in between?”

Natalie said nothing at first, only dropped her head.

Gwen looked over, awaiting an answer. “Don’t be embarrassed or anything. I don’t even care that you attack people. You just have to be smarter about it. I don’t want them to take you away all the time.”

Gwen wanted Natalie around. It wasn’t something her birth mother or any of the foster homes she’d ever been in wanted, but Gwen did. Natalie’s fingertips drifted together and she rubbed them as she contemplated the question.

“I guess, I don’t know…I go really numb?”

“Don’t ask me.” Gwen laughed.

“Sorry.” Natalie smiled before resetting. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I really don’t.”

“I know.”

“But the harder I try…the madder I get and then I lose it. Sometimes I don’t even realize what I’m doing until I snap out of it.”

“Hmm…” Gwen went quiet again and Natalie wasn’t sure if she was supposed to say more. Then Gwen popped up, back to sitting on the edge of the bed. “I have an idea.”

Natalie’s eyes widened and her fingertips separated. She was open to anything.

“What if instead of trying not to freak out, you react immediately?” Gwen smacked her hands together for effect.

“What do you mean?”

“Okay, so Declan was bothering you, right?” Gwen scooted fartheroff the edge of her bed, jittery, excited. “He was being a jerk before you attacked him. What was the very first thing he did?”

Natalie tried to remember. He had ruined her picture, but if she was being honest, she had started to tingle the moment he sat down. “He wanted me to talk. He didn’t like me ignoring him.”

“Okay, what if the second he said something to you, you reacted? Like, you had to know he was there to bother you. Declan doesn’t do anything but bother people. So the second he even looked at you, what if you had called him an asshole? Screamed it out. Or kicked him in the shin? I’m not talking about going lights-out and trying to kill him; I’m talking about a little kick on purpose.”

Well, that was an idea that no one had ever presented to Natalie before. No social worker, therapist, or teacher had ever encouraged reacting. It had always been about new techniques topreventa reaction, as if Natalie had never before considered deep breathing or walking away.

“Won’t I still get in trouble?” she asked.

“Yeah, but, like, going to your room early or missing some dumb activity. They’re not going to restrain you in the infirmary because you called someone a name or threw something. I bet right now there are three or four kids getting in trouble for those exact things.”

“Yeah…” agreed Natalie.