Page 21 of Hate Me Like You Mean It

Either way, it’d caught on, and Mrs. Kim had to call a “zip-lip minute” when half her third graders started cackling and demanding I show them my tail in the middle of my presentation.

It was traumatizing, obviously.

So I’d put a dead worm in his soup and told anyone who would listen he couldn’t sleep without suckling on a bottle of breast milk.

“Youwereborn with a tail,” he deadpanned.

“For the last time, it was someone’s finger in the picture.” Why my dad had agreed to share my newborn photo album with the demonic little menace would remain a mystery to me until the day I died. “I was bundled up in a swaddle blanket. How would you have even been able to tell?”

“They cut a hole in the fabric to accommodate your protuberance.”

I snorted. “Like you’d know anything about protruding body parts.”

Thatwas one rumor I hadn’t started. He had his ex to thank for that one.

It was the end of grade eleven. She was the captain of the girls’ swim team, and their relationship had lasted for a whopping total of ninety-eight hours. Once they’d broken things off, she’d gone around telling everyone it was because he couldn’t get it up.

Dominic’s tone turned a touch bitter. “Yes, we all remember how hard you laughed when word got around.”

My eyes rolled. “You opted to eat a dried cricket when you spun the bottle, and it landed on me at Jaxton’s party senior year, so I’d say we’re pretty even.”

Because you know who’d laughed then? Everybody.

He’d gagged while chewing it, and a few of his soccer buddies had jumped in with unnecessary comments at my expense as he’d chugged a can of beer, trying not to hurl.

He hadn’t regretted it. Apparently, it was still more appetizing than pressing his mouth to mine for a quarter of a second.

Dominic’s golden-brown eyes thinned. “We’re getting distracted. I believe you were about to attempt to move a four-hundred-pound fridge using your body weight and candy-colored dental floss.”

Rachel thought I was kidding, but I really was going to poison him. Tomorrow, I’d order enough yellow dragon fruit to keep him on the toilet for a year.

I took a deep breath, gripped the rope with as much confidence as I could fake, and yanked. I tried different angles, redistributed my body weight, and pulled until my body finally caved and collapsed against the kitchen island.

“Are you done?”

I didn’t have enough oxygen left in me to respond.

He let out an insufferably arrogant chuckle before reaching up on top of the fridge for a remote. He hit one button, and Goliath’s hidden display came to life.

Oh.ThatI hadn’t seen coming.

My original plan had been to call a service to come move the fridge for me if I couldn’t manage it myself, but this was kind of perfect.

“Page two of the manual.” Dominic flipped the remote in his hand, cocky smirk intact as he started to overexplain. “It was already plugged in. You just needed to press the power button, which is this big one right here that says ‘ON’ in massive capital letters.” He turned to leave just as I mustered enough energy to lift myself off the counter. “Oh, and as delectable as the salmon smells, I don’t think my stomach can handle that much soot. It’s all yours. I’ll order in.”

Just like that, I’d relieved myself of having to cook him proper meals, convinced him that I’d gained no life skills whatsoever since high school, and bored him enough to leave me alone so I could actually get my chores done.

And he still didn’t know about the coffee dye. I grinned when I heard the front door open, then shut.

This was going to befun.

8

Update 2: Loch Ness has awakened.

Loch Ness has turned on the lights.

Loch Ness has located the walkie talkie.