Page 142 of Hate Me Like You Mean It

Can’t, sorry. Busy.

Adrien

Doing what?

Me

Applying for a job as a Krampus impersonator.

It’s like Santa, but instead of sneaking down chimneys to bring presents, I’ll be crawling out of drainpipes to put curses on men who deck my boyfriend.

Tell him yourself.

Adrien

I’ve tried.

He’s a grown ass man and still can’t function in the morning. It’s like trying to tell a mouth-breathing, drool-infested zombie to fuck off.

Me

24 oz medium roast with a splash of milk. Wait a couple of hours. Handfeeding him a cream cheese bagel will speed up the process by about 18 minutes. Smooches also help. Good luck!

September 18

Sister In Law, Esq.

Thanks again for lunch. I’m sorry about my knee-jerk reaction at the hospital. I would love for the four of us to sit down and talk things out once everyone has had a chance to calm down. I’ll see if I can convince Adrien.

Me

I would have reacted the same way. Love you, Ree.

Sister In Law, Esq.

Love you, cutie. See you on Friday.

September 20

The Family Chatnel

Adrien

Alice.

I’m not fucking around.

He’s started sending flowers to my office.

Me

You love flowers.

Gramp Stamp

You really do. Ria, have you seen the pictures of Addy as a flower boy yet?

Sister In Law, Esq.