CHAPTER NINE
LUCY
By the time I get out of the shower, I’m feeling much better.
Am I still embarrassed and a little shaky? Yes. But I’m clean and the little sticks are out of my hair and the scratches on my face are barely noticeable. My stomach is only slightly unsettled instead of cramping from nerves and anxiety. And my ever present fear has subsided to a quiet whisper instead of a panicked shout.
While I showered, I lost myself in the soothing routine of it—lathering my hair, deep conditioning it, shaving, exfoliating, even a revitalizing face mask—and managed to forget about what happened for a little while.
Rather than dissecting the whopper of a flashback I just had, I could keep my mind busy with meaningless decisions—which lotion to use, whether to blow dry my hair or let it dry naturally, and if I should use the face cream with shimmer or the one without.
As I brush my hair in front of the mirror, smoothing it into a gleaming curtain of chestnut, it’s a comforting sort of déjà vu. Like the thousands of times I did this in the past, before my world was tipped on its axis. I can just be normal Lucy, getting ready for work, or maybe waiting for Xavier to pick me up for a date.
Back in Xavier’s apartment, with him steps away in the living room, it’s easier to feel like that person again. The one who was cheerful more often than not, who smiled at strangers, and could fall into imaginary stories that always had happy endings.
Except.
I’m not that person anymore. And as time goes on, I’m less sure I ever will be. I’m not sure I’ll be able to look at a stranger without feeling scared or threatened. My imagination has taken off for parts unknown. And the only time I feel truly safe is when Xavier is right beside me.
He says he doesn’t mind, that he wants to be with me, and I believe him. I just wish I could be more like pre-abduction Lucy than I am now. Happy. Optimistic. Independent. I want to be the supportive girlfriend instead of the one always relying on him.
As I stare at myself in the mirror, I’m struck with an odd sense of duality.
Aside from the scratches, I look the same as I always have. Bright blue eyes, heart-shaped face, a small nose my dad used to affectionately refer to as a button, and my cheeks pink from the heat of the shower and dusted with freckles.
But at the same time, I look like a stranger. Like I’ve changed on the inside, and the outside hasn’t caught up yet.
Baring my teeth at the mirror, I make a face at it.
Am I going to stay in the bathroom, wallowing in my insecurities and anxieties, making myself feel worse?
Or am I going to go into the living room and talk with Xavier, like he promised we would? Once we got back to the apartment, he hugged me for a few minutes before saying gently, “If you’re feeling up to it, a shower might help. If you want, I can go in with you. And after, we can come up with a plan to help deal with these flashbacks. Okay?”
As tempted as I was to take him up on the shared shower option, I knew I needed some time to collect myself. To prove I could do something—even as small as a shower—on my own.
It might not be much, but I did it. And it’s like what my mom said after my fiftieth manuscript rejection— One step at a time, Lucy Loo. You wrote a book. That’s an amazing accomplishment already. Just keep trying. You’ll get there.
She was right. I went the self-publishing route and after four years I hit the top one hundred list in romance on Amazon. Four years after that, I made the top ten. So if I could do that, I can make slow but steady progress towards getting back to normal again.
Lifting my chin and setting my shoulders, I take one last look in the mirror.
If I made it through those days at the cabin, I can do this. Maybe I couldn’t handle the apartment alone this time, but that doesn’t mean I stop trying. Take things one step at a time.
With renewed determination, I open the bathroom door and head into the bedroom, where I change into the shirt I got at the aquarium—a white V-neck with a shark on it—and a pair of my more snug-fitting jeans. The reminder of our date makes me smile and a spurt of optimism hits me.
Maybe after our conversation, Xavier and I could do something fun. Another picnic, or we could try to make dinner for everyone. Or we could watch one of those terrible action movies he likes so much, where the main characters escape certain death at least fifty times.
We used to take turns picking movies—romance or comedy for me, action for him—but I know Xavier’s been avoiding watching anything violent because of me. I can handle it, though. Or if nothing else, I can cover my eyes. I’d just like to do something that feels more like our old relationship instead of this careful new one.
Positive mindset in place, I’m smiling as I walk into the living room, but two voices coming from the hallway stop me in my place. The door is open a few inches, so I can hear the voices clearly—Xavier, of course, and Rhiannon.
“How is she holding up?” Rhiannon asks. Concern laces her tone. “After a flashback, especially one like that… She must be feeling shaken.”
“I don’t know,” Xavier replies. He sighs heavily. “I mean, by the time we got back here, she was much calmer. Embarrassed, though she shouldn’t be. It’s not like we don’t understand PTSD. But I think she’s worried about making a bad impression on you guys.”
As I stand in the middle of the living room, I’m torn. On one hand, I feel like I shouldn’t be listening to their private conversation. But on the other… they’re talking about me. And if I asked Xavier, he’d tell me what they talked about, anyway. At least, I’m pretty sure he would.
“Impossible.” Rhiannon makes a dismissive sound before teasing, “I might like Lucy more than you, Xav. She’s certainly more pleasant.”
“She is,” he agrees. “But I think that’s one of the reasons this is so hard for her. Lucy’s always been so cheery—not that she doesn’t have her down moments—but feeling scared and anxious all the time…”
“Has she talked to a counselor?”
“Not yet.” Xavier pauses. “I know. I’ve suggested it. But I don’t want to push her.”
“I understand,” Rhiannon says. “But maybe she needs to be pushed.”
“And hurt her again? Make her feel like she can’t trust me? I’ve already done enough, Rhi. And then I let her down today. I can’t?—”
My stomach twists. He already was blaming himself and now I’ve given him something else to feel bad about.
“Xav. None of this is your fault.” It’s gently scolding. “You know that. Going to the gym… there was no reason to think?—”
“But I should have. I should have thought?—”
“Xavier.” Her tone softens. “You need to stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Lucy being taken. The flashback.” She stops. “What happened to me.”
“How can I not, Rhi? I was there. As your friend, your brother, I should have realized?—”
“No, you shouldn’t have. Because I didn’t want anyone to know.”
My breath catches. I’ve known something happened with Xavier’s Green Beret team, something that contributed to him leaving the Army, but he hasn’t said, and I haven’t wanted to push.
But now I’m thinking, maybe couples need to push each other sometimes. Not to hurt them, but to help when the other person is struggling.
“Rhi…” Another heavy sigh. “I wish?—”
“Have you thought about sending her to the Refuge?” Rhiannon changes the subject. “It could help. You know how much it helped Nora.”
“I don’t know about that…”
I’m just connecting Nora’s name—she’s one of the members of the Blade and Arrow team in Sleepy Hollow—when the other part of her statement hits me.
The Refuge? Where is that? What is it? And does Xavier want me to leave?
Hurt slams into me with such intensity, I’m breathless from it.
He said he was with me. That he has my six. Does he…
A wounded sound comes out of me, part whimper, part moan. It feels like something has carved out my chest and filled it with ice.
At the same time, Xavier peers into the apartment, his eyes widening as he sees me. “Luce. Are you okay—” He grimaces. “Ah, shit.” To Rhiannon, he says, “I have to go.”
She gives a soft reply, but I can’t hear what she says. A moment later, Xavier comes inside and shuts the door quietly behind him. He locks it, then heads straight to me, concern etched into his handsome features.
He takes my hand in his. “Lucy. Are you okay?”
I look into his deep brown eyes, suddenly seized with the urge to cry. “Do you want me to leave?”
His face jolts with shock. “No, Lucy. Of course not. Never.”
My voice wobbles as I ask, “Then what’s the Refuge?”
“Oh, Luce.” Xavier hugs me, pressing his lips to the top of my head. Then he tugs me over to the couch and pulls me onto his lap. “I’m sorry you heard that out of context. Rhi was just making a suggestion. But it doesn’t mean… I don’t want you to leave. Only if it was the best thing for you.”
I’m confused. “Do you think it’s better if I leave?”
“No.” And then, “I don’t know.”
It feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. “If you want me to go…”
“Shit.” Xavier meets my gaze, guilt and regret in his eyes. “I’m fucking this up, Luce. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to leave.”
“Then—”
“The Refuge is this place in New Mexico. It’s run by a bunch of guys who used to serve. They all struggled with PTSD after leaving the military, so they started it as a place for people to go to work on their recovery. There are counselors, therapy animals, lots of space… a friend of mine, Nora, went there and it helped her a lot.”
It sounds nice, but the thought of leaving Xavier and Blade and Arrow makes me feel cold all over. “And you want me to go there?”
“No…” He frowns. “Selfishly, I want you with me. The idea of you leaving, of not being there to protect you… it makes me feel sick. But I want you to get some help, Luce. What you went through, it’s too much to handle on your own.”
“But I don’t want to leave you.” Clutching his hand, I add, “I know I’ve been stubborn, not seeing a counselor. It was stupid. I thought… I don’t know. That because no one touched me, that I was left alone, I’d eventually get past it.”
“Someone did touch you, Luce.” His expression goes stormy. “They hurt you. Terrified you. What they did was just as bad.”
As I gaze into Xavier’s eyes, I can see everything he’s feeling, right there, undisguised. Worry. Fear. Guilt. And something much deeper than affection. And in my heart, I know he’ll do anything if he thinks it’s best for me, even if it’s the last thing he wants.
It gives me the strength to say, “I’ll see a counselor. Anything else that helps. But I want to stay here. With you. As long as you want me to.”
Emotion tightens his features. In a rush, he says, “I want you here. More than anything. And I’ll help you. We can find a counselor who does virtual sessions. Erik said any time you want to do yoga or meditation with him, he’d be happy to. It helped him a lot with his own PTSD. And Sarah said Rambo is almost done with his therapy dog training. We could have him come over?—”
“Okay.” I kiss his bristly jaw, closing my eyes as I breathe in his familiar scent for a second. “I’ll do all of it. Whatever it takes. I want—” My nose prickles. “I want to get better.”
“Oh, Lucy.” Xavier cups my cheek, holding my gaze. “You’re so strong. I know you don’t think so, but you are. And I’m so damn proud of you.”
I bite my cheek hard to keep from crying. “Thank you for being here for me.”
He blinks. “Of course, sunshine. Always. I told you that.” After a long pause, he says more lightly, “I have an idea, Luce. We’ll make some calls this afternoon, get you set up with a counselor, all that good stuff. And then tonight, we have a date.”
My heart lifts. “A date?”
He grins. “Yeah. A date. It’ll be great. You’ll see.”
“What do you think, Luce?”
Xavier glances at me, a small smile tugging at his lips, a hopeful expression lighting his gaze. “I wanted to plan something that wasn’t in the apartment. It’s not a fancy dinner or a show or the aquarium, but?—”
“I love it.” Squeezing his hand, I look around the barn again, taking in all the new additions. “This is perfect .”
The restored barn was already nice, thanks to hours of work from the team. It has a huge outdoor kitchen, plenty of comfortable couches and chairs, an assortment of games like foosball and corn hole, plus a full theater setup all the way in the back. Strung along the rafters are thousands of white twinkle lights, and when it’s dark, it looks like a sky full of stars.
But what Xavier did made it even better.
He created a special movie night with all of my favorites. The Holiday is ready to play on the large projection screen, and there’s a couch placed just at the right distance in front of it, set with pillows and fluffy throws. There’s a table loaded with every snack I’ve ever mentioned liking—Reeses and tortilla chips with seven-layer dip and mini pizzas with pepperoni, just to start—and my favorite hard seltzers in an ice-filled bucket beside them.
That would be enough on its own, but thoughtful Xavier went even further. As we walk closer to the couch, I see an adorable stuffed cat tucked alongside the pillows, smiling the sweetest little smile up at me. And on the table beside the couch, there’s an enormous bouquet of tulips in a cheery yellow, a color I mentioned always making me feel happy.
“I would have done more,” he explains, “but there wasn’t a lot of time to plan. Next time, I’ll do more. Make it fancier. But I thought this might cheer you up…”
Flinging my arms around him, I hug him tight. “I love it. So much. My favorite movie, and the snacks, and the flowers… and that adorable cat. It’s perfect. I couldn’t pick a better date.”
His hand strokes down my back. “While you were doing yoga with Erik, I went to that gift shop in Seguin. And when I saw the cat… I know it’s a toy, but I just thought you might like it.”
Oh.
My heart swells until it feels too big for my body.
I love him.
Not falling. I’m already there.
But I don’t want to just blurt it out. Not like this. I want to be better, stronger, so he knows my words are real. And I don’t want him to feel obligated to say them back because he’s afraid I can’t handle rejection.
It’s not that I think he’ll reject me, but… I’m not sure if he’s at the same place as me.
Then again, what was one of my biggest regrets when I was in that cabin, not sure if I’d make it out alive?
I wished I’d told him I was falling. I wished he’d known.
Maybe later tonight, then. After the movie, when we’re just snuggling and talking. If it feels like the right moment, I’ll tell him then.
Putting my hands on his shoulders for balance, I stretch up to kiss Xavier on the lips. He kisses me back gently, as he’s done since I got back to B and A, which is nice, but a flare of desire makes me eager to share our more passionate kisses again. But he breaks the kiss first, setting me back to look at me affectionately. “So you like the cat, then?”
“Yes.” I smile at him. “I love it.”
Oblivious to my surging libido, Xavier leads me over to the couch, his eyes bright as he says, “Okay. So we have The Holiday first, and then Love Actually . I didn’t think about it being a Christmas movie, but you said it’s one of your favorites. And if this isn’t enough”—he gestures at the virtual buffet of food—“there’s more in the kitchen. I asked Sarah to help, and I picked up takeout at Mariano’s if you’re in the mood for Italian…”
“Xavier.” I snuggle next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Everything is perfect.”
And the night only gets better from there.
We stuff ourselves full of junk food and candy, plus some carrot sticks and hummus in a concession to at least eating one thing that’s healthy. I have two pink lemonade seltzers, which makes me the tiniest bit tipsy, while Xavier tries to hide his wince as he drinks a kiwi strawberry one. I tell him it’s okay if he wants a beer, but he insists, saying, “No, it’s Lucy’s Favorites night. I’ll have beer another time.”
As the movie plays, we cuddle and exchange tender kisses, and halfway through, I end up draped across Xavier’s lap, feeling his arousal hard and insistent beneath me. I wiggle my butt a few times, and his jaw clenches as he murmurs, “Watch the movie, Luce.”
I know he’s still being careful with me, afraid I might not be ready for something more intimate. And even a few days ago, I might not have been. But now? I’m craving that connection with him. I want it back.
But just as the credits are rolling and I’m debating making a move, Xavier says quietly, “When you heard me talking to Rhi. She mentioned something that happened to her. I haven’t told you about it yet because… well, I was going to. Eventually. It’s just not something I like talking about.”
Oh. Forget making a move. This is much more important. “You don’t have to talk about it yet if you’re not ready.”
He turns me on his lap so he can meet my gaze. “No. I want to tell you everything. But I’m not sure… you have so much going on. It doesn’t feel right burdening you with my shit. But I also don’t want you to think I’m hiding something from you.”
“I want you to talk to me.” I push that stubborn lock of hair off his forehead. “It’s been all about me lately. And I’m so thankful you’ve been here supporting me. But I want to support you, too.”
Xavier stares at me for a few seconds before replying. “It’s not like that. I mean… I’m okay. It happened years ago, and it wasn’t to me.” A pause. “It was Rhi. She was being harassed by a superior. Sexually. Sometimes physically. It went on for years.”
Rather than say anything, I nod at him to continue.
“We didn’t know,” he continues. “And Rhi, she didn’t want to report it. Being a woman in a role like hers, one of the first female Green Berets, she was under so much scrutiny. People were always trying to prove she couldn’t do the job as well as the men. But she could. Rhi was just as good, better than most of the guys I knew.”
“I can see that,” I murmur. Rhiannon is one of the most kick-butt women I’ve ever met.
“So she hid it from us,” Xavier explains with a scowl. “And it just kept getting worse. Until… she was getting sick from the stress. And the guy—the colonel—was threatening her. Telling her if she didn’t do certain things with him, she’d get in trouble. Be pulled off our team. Lose her job.”
“Xavier. I’m sorry.”
“I should have known. She’s one of my best friends. Fuck, she’s like my sister. And I missed it. Rhi was suffering, being harassed, touched, and I wasn’t there to have her six. I only found out when she finally told the team. The asshole colonel threatened to split us up if she didn’t… perform favors for him. Rather than cave to his demands or risk the team, she decided to leave the Army instead.”
I feel horrible for Rhiannon. To have to go through that, to feel trapped, like she had to hide it…
And what she said to Xavier about blaming himself makes more sense. It makes sense why he’s so adamant that what happened to me was his fault.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I say gently. Then I feather a trail of kisses along his jaw. “What happened was awful. But if Rhiannon was determined that no one found out, you’re not psychic. I’m sure she had explanations for everything.”
After a long sigh, Xavier admits, “She did. Whenever she seemed upset, there was always a reason. Family trouble. She was sick. Or it was something depressing she saw on the news. I just… I had no idea.”
“We can’t know everything. It’s impossible. Sometimes—” I swallow hard. “Sometimes bad things just happen. And all we can do is try to stay strong in the aftermath.” Holding his gaze, I add, “We let the people who care about us help, even when it’s hard.”
“Sunshine.” His hands frame my face as he slants his lips across mine. This time, it’s more than just a tender kiss. He nips and strokes and teases my mouth open with his tongue, dipping inside for a moment before pulling away. “You’re amazing. I don’t know how I got this lucky…”
And there . In his eyes. It’s the same intensity of emotion I’m feeling.
I kiss him again, this time taking the lead. Lightly sucking on his lower lip, then biting it gently, just the way I know he likes. Xavier sucks in a sharp breath, and he hardens beneath me. A low groan rumbles in his chest.
Turning in his lap, I straddle him, wrapping my legs around his waist.
He cups my nape, tunneling his fingers through my hair and tipping my head back to take our kiss even deeper. His other hand rests at the small of my back, holding me close and sending tingles of electricity through my body.
I love how big his hands are, one almost spanning the width of my back.
And I love how he’s so strong, yet so gentle with me.
And I…
Breaking the kiss, I draw back slightly so I can meet Xavier’s gaze. His eyes are almost black as he looks at me, pupils dilated so there’s just a thin ring of deep brown around them.
“Is this okay, Lucy?” he asks. “We’re not going too fast?”
“No.” I kiss him again before continuing, “It’s not too fast. And I…” My heart jumps. “I want to tell you something.”
Worry moves across his face. “What, hun?”
Just say it.
“There was something I wished I’d told you. Back in… well. You know. I’d been thinking about it for a while, and then I didn’t know if I’d get to tell you.”
“What?”
“I… I’m falling for you. Falling in love. I know you might not feel the same way yet, and that’s okay. But I just… I really regretted never telling you. And I?—”
“Oh, Lucy.” He lights up, happier than I’ve ever seen him. “I’m falling in love with you, too.”
Oh.
This joy.
And soon I’ll tell him the rest.
That I’m not just falling. I’m in love with him.