Page 82 of Golden Queen (Idrigard #1)

I remembered the look on Io's face when he said he named his sword Vengeance. I was sure it had not been vengeance for the wrongs done to him that inspired the name, but for what his father had done to his mother.

Aben absentmindedly stroked his beard. It had grown longer since I first saw him in Albiyn. It made him somehow more handsome, lending a wild, untamed edge to the face that was normally set with such a clear smile of good humor.

His voice was full of regret as he finished.

"Behr is more like his father than even Io will admit to.

He's not cruel," he added quickly when my brows snapped together.

"But he's not necessarily kind either, not unless it suits him to be so.

He's a good king, but with that comes a coldness that reminds me of Aris.

" He paused again, glancing back towards Io and Britaxia behind me.

"Io is kind. He's done more for the people of Darkwatch than any lord in a thousand years.

You'll find an entire city's worth of people who will admit to that even as they shy away from him.

He's a good man. So, if you belong to him—” he met my gaze and his eyes were intent, his expression earnest. “Then I'll damn sure do what I can to help you. "

"Thank you, Aben," I said, putting my arms around the big mage and hugging him. His words did not offend me. I knew he didn’t mean them in the same way another might—as though I was property.

He was only stating the truth of what my own heart and mind told me.

We belonged to each other, however ill-fated that match might be.

I could never imagine feeling the same way about any other.

Aben pulled back a little. "I knew something was different with you when I realized he introduced himself as Io—no one but his sisters and I call him that.

But when I found him sleeping beside you that day, that's when I really knew. You know, I hadn’t seen him sleep since he was eight or nine.

I was convinced the man just did not ever close his eyes.

" He laughed, but it was easy to see the edge of regret and pain in the sound.

"Well, we have that in common," I told him. "I can't seem to sleep without him these days either."

He gave me a companionable pat on the shoulder, perhaps in acknowledgment of what I had been through. I wasn't sure he actually made the connection between my admission of not being able to sleep and what had happened in Albiyn, though.

And if I had to admit the truth, the trouble sleeping, the nightmares, had begun to plague me even before then. Since the night of my coronation and learning that I would be bound in marriage to another.

Once again, the knowledge that I could be so easily undone by him, more thoroughly than the violent assault that had been perpetrated against me, shamed me.

It brought everything I was willing to sacrifice to the forefront of my mind.

Could I be so black hearted as to let a kingdom fall and another be torn apart for the chance to be with him?

"I'll go to Orin," Aben said, nodding his head as though he was just thinking of the plan. "And if I see that things are about to go wrong in a very bad way, I'll send word to you at the Reach. If I tell you to come, Aelia, I need you to come."

I nodded. "I understand."

"I'll do my best to keep the armies marching to Windemere as well. Perhaps Behr will surprise us all and be just as willing to help you as his sister."

The words, the hope, sent me a little over the edge. I had to look down to try and manage the sob that was crawling its way up my throat. If it really could be that simple...

"You'll tell him that I'm still open to an alliance with Nightfall—any fucking terms he wants." Aside from the one, of course. I would still be open to that one as well, when it came down to it, if it meant Io would stay safe and my people would survive. But one hurdle at a time, I thought.

“I will.” Aben hugged me again, and we turned to make the trek back to where Io and Britaxia stood staring in our direction with matching stony expressions.

"Have you managed to talk her out of this foolishness?" Britaxia said when we reached them.

"Come on, Taxia. Let's go home," Aben said, ignoring her question as he let go of me and gathered her under his big arm to pull her away.

Britaxia jerked away from him. Still glaring at me, as though daring me to speak. I couldn't. Maybe it made me a coward, maybe it proved that I knew everything she said was true, but I had no words of defense.

"This fucking cyungr will see it all fall down around us—"

I didn't see him move. I only felt the faint whisper of air across my skin at the same time the shadows swirled out, throwing the entire clearing into muted darkness.

And then Io was in front of Britaxia, holding her by the front of her gray fur coat as the shadows swirled around them.

"You forget yourself, Britaxia." His voice was deep and dark, each word seeming to land with more authority than it should have. "You forget you're speaking to your Lady. You forget that you have no allegiance above Darkwatch."

I moved, knowing I should not.

Aben reached for me, but I had surprised him, and he was too late as he reached out. I heard him hiss, "Aelia, stop you'll—"

And then I was between them, pushing Io back. I had surprised him as well and he moved, looking down at me in shock. "Stop it!" I shouted.

He caught my hands where they were shoving against his chest. The expression of anger on his face bled away. His mouth twitched, amusement dancing in his dark eyes.

I was too angry at him for his bullshit to notice as I shoved again.

"I don't need you to fight my battles for me, girl," Britaxia said behind me, her words laced with venom.

I whirled on her. "Well that's just too damn bad. And you don't have any right to be angry at me—as if I have any fucking control over what's happening in my life."

I was truly angry by then—angry at him, angry at her, and really fucking angry at myself that I had barely even made a protest as this man decided to take me where he wanted me to go—because I knew what kind of horrible person I really was, that I was so glad to allow it.

"It certainly didn't sound like anyone was forcing you to do anything last night," Britaxia said, her lip curling in disdain. "The entire brothel heard your screaming. It's probably what drew in those fucking hellhounds."

Anger blazed through me like an inferno. I moved to her, nearly chest to chest even though I had to look up at her. "Jealous, Taxia? Is Aben not making you scream so much these days?"

Aben's snort of laughter behind me momentarily distracted me from the woman in front of me. Britaxia reached out with a wall of air that I knew was intended to knock me off my feet. It didn't.

It pushed my hair back, gently, even as I heard Io's startled grunt as he was forced to brace himself against the assault of her magic.

Britaxia's look of surprise was enough satisfaction to cool some of my ire and I nearly, very nearly, stepped back.

"Fucking bitch," she said, so low it was nearly under her breath.

I reached up with the flat of my palm and hit her. I heard a dull pop as the base of my hand broke her nose.

She stumbled, hands rising to cover her face as she fell back into the snow.

"Fuck me," Aben muttered on a startled exhalation.

I looked down at her. "I know you're only angry because you love them all. I understand that better than you think. But don't somehow believe that I am not also acting with the same gods damned motivation, Britaxia."

She rose, and I saw a trickle of blood streaming down from one of her nostrils.

Io stepped forward as though to move between us, and I gave him a warning glare.

Britaxia glared back at me, and then at Io behind me. She looked like she would speak again, but Aben stepped up to her, cradling her face in his hands. "Tax, darling. Let's go."

I saw desperation and heartache on her face as she nodded. Aben pulled the sleeve of his undershirt from the corner of his fur coat and gently wiped away the blood.

Guilt and shame crashed over me for what I’d done. I could not blame her, not even slightly. Everything she said was true. Everything I was doing was wrong.

I was on the point of desperately apologizing when Io stepped to my side, catching my eye with a slight shake of his head. He felt the shame and regret pouring off me and sensed the apology that was forthcoming. He was warning me not to do it.

He must have known it would not be well-received. He knew her much better than I did, so I kept my mouth closed.

Aben turned to us and put his big arms around both our necks, his head between us. "Be careful, brother," he said to Io, and then turned to me. "And Aelia, remember what I said."

He turned and led Britaxia away across the snow-covered ground, heading toward their dragons.

After we had watched Melor and Iaxis take to the skies and race away north toward Orin, Io turned to me. "I'm really fucking sorry, Sera. I'm sorry that you feel like you don't have a say in your life."

I stared up at him, recalling the words I shouted at Britaxia. Despite myself, I began to feel guilty that they made him feel bad. What the fuck was wrong with me? Shouldn't he feel guilty for what he was doing?

But, as I looked at him, some clarity came into focus that I had somehow been lacking. Perhaps it was some innate sense of self-preservation that had obscured it from me.

The guilt I felt was not misplaced. I was responsible for it all. I had done nothing to discourage him—not really. A few half-hearted protests?

It was all my fault. I was the one who climbed into that fucking bathtub and begged him to touch me. I was the one who pleaded with him to not give a damn with me.