Page 88 of Goalie Secrets

I stare at her, words hanging in the air like a threat. She’s going to fight me. I’m so tired of this, of feeling like I’m being torn between what I want and what she wants. She needs to see things from my point of view.

This isn’t the first time someone has told me to stop playing. If I listened to every naysayer from the last fifteen years, Iwouldn’t be where I am. Now, more than ever, it’s crucial to keep going.

I’ll rest for a week at most. Not a day longer. The Mavericks are heading to the championship this year with me between the goal posts. I fucking know it.

My thumb caresses the top of her hand. Vanya leans down to kiss where our fingers interlock. The gesture melts my defensiveness. She cares about me. This is her protective instinct kicking in. I respect her opinion, but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. The woman I love needs to understand, so I try another approach.

“The way I feel about hockey is the way I feel about you. Making me want to be better, to be more. C’mon, Vanya, you know I’ve been here before. It’s always been fine in the end.”

She leans closer, pleading, but I can see the walls coming up around her. “Jeremy, I’m begging you.” Her voice cracks on the last word.

I shake my head. “You’re begging me to give up the season, even when Kyle and the trainers believe I can keep going.”

“Kyle and the Mavericks’ priority is the hockey team, not you.”

“Iamthe hockey team and the hockey team isme.” My voice is louder now. “You’re asking me to let my family down.”

Her eyes blink rapidly. A tear escapes. It breaks me a little to see her misery, but I can’t back down. For the first time since yesterday, I’m wide awake. The thought of giving up the season floods me with adrenaline that burns through the pain medication.

“You don’t understand,” I mutter, mostly to myself. I try to calm the storm that’s swirling inside me. “I need this. Please support me, Vanya.”

I open my arms, hoping she’ll let me hold her. She shakes her head and stands, breaking our contact. Her face is flushed, herlips pressed into a tight line, and it’s killing me to see her like this. To seeuslike this. But I can’t stop the words from tumbling out, sharp and bitter.

“What the hell do you want me to do? Give up? We’re heading into the best playoffs of my career and you’re asking me to throw it all away!”

Her eyes widen, her expression a mix of shock and something that looks a hell of a lot like betrayal. “I’m asking you tolive!” she exclaims, her voice trembling. “Not just for hockey, but for everything you can have beyond your career. Please, Jeremy, I’m begging you to listen for once.”

She stretches her hand to me again, like she wants to bridge the distance. This time, I refuse the gesture. Waves of bitterness drown logic. It’s one thing for her to control every aspect of our affair, another to override decisions about my career.

“That’s rich,” I snap, the words unsavory in my mouth. “Coming from someone who would never compromise her career. Someone who treats her research like it’s the only thing that matters.”

Hurt flashes across her face. It’s gone just as quickly, replaced by something harder. “This isn’t about me,” she fires back, her voice rising.

“Exactly!” The word explodes from within, raw and severe. “This is about everything I’ve fought for. You’re a fighter, too, Vanya. Would you listen to one person’s medical advice when an entire organization is backing you to return?”

“They only care about the playoffs, not you.”

“If you cared about me, you would understand.”

Her eyes glisten. For a second, I want to take it all back, to rewind to a version of this conversation that doesn’t feel like a criminal trial. But instead, she straightens up defiantly.

“You think Iwantto do this? You think it’s easy for me to stand here and tell you to stop?” Vanya has never soundedshrill till right now. We’re deadlocked in an impossible situation where we barely recognize each other. I rake a hand through my hair, my voice shaking with the weight of everything I’m trying to hold back.

“Hockey isn’t only my job. It’s who I am, Vanya. It’s mylife.You can’t take that away from me.”

“I care about you,” she says, softer now, but it doesn’t soothe the ache building in my chest. “As a person, Jeremy. Not just as a hockey player.”

“I’mboth,” I emphasize, my voice breaking. “I’ll always be both. If you can’t see that, then you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

Her tears come fast now, spilling down her cheeks as she shakes her head. “And maybe you don’t know me if you think I’ll stand by and let this happen. I’ll fight for you. Against Kyle. Against the Mavericks. Against the damnleague.”

“Vanya, what the hell,” I bark, my frustration making me sound cruel. “You’re acting like this is some kind of war.”

“Itis!” she snaps, stepping closer again. “I’ll fight every damn arena if they try to force you to play before you’re ready.”

“No one is forcing me to do anything. This is my choice. Hockey is what I am.”

I won’t let her take away what matters most to me. Iwon’t.