Page 35 of Gilded

LUKA

D on’t leave me.

I feel that all the way to the bone.

It’s a complicated kind of torture, the intellectual knowledge that I wasn’t technically left behind as a child. I was taken. But the emotional effects of losing my family are wide and varied.

Logically, I know I control my life now. Emotionally, I’m a fucking mess. Something only my team understands. Men as fucked-up as I am.

Impulsively, I reach up and yank at the quick-release knot on one of her hands, then pull out of her to turn her in my arms. She instantly wraps her free arm around my neck and kisses me, matching my passion.

She breaks the kiss, resting her forehead against my jaw, breathing hard and running her hand over my shoulder as I untie her other hand.

“I love the feel of you against me. It’s…”

“It’s what?”

She lifts her gaze to mine. “Heavenly.”

I’m struck by twin streaks of happiness and guilt. I should not feel heavenly to her in any way, shape, or form. But that ruthless part of me that is always at the ready is currently nowhere to be found.

Her hands venture lower, and she finds my cock, then positions it against her pussy. I take the invitation and thrust, stealing her breath. Pain flashes across her face, and I still.

She rests her head on my shoulder and presses her face against my neck, her quick breaths warming my skin. Her arms are tight around my shoulders, her tits soft against my chest.

She’s right. This is heavenly.

A wash of emotion hits, breaking open a lot of pain inside me.

I haven’t felt like this for anyone since my family died.

I love my men, but that’s different. Malia feels like my person.

That one human being you think about all the time.

The one you hate to be away from. The one you always want to talk to.

The one you want to watch succeed and find happiness.

I can so easily imagine a future with her. A future showing her all the world has to offer. Giving her all the time and attention she’s been starved for. Watching her blossom into whoever she is meant to be when she’s free to experience life on her own terms.

But while she may feel like my person, I’ll never feel like hers. I’m not the kind of man she deserves. I’m a dark soul on a dangerous mission. One could argue I’m a kamikaze, risking my own life to take out the people I see as evil.

Malia has been trapped in this hell for long enough.

She rocks her hips, drawing me out and pushing me back into her heat, and I grit my teeth to take it slow when I want to ravage her.

She pauses and meets my gaze with all kinds of emotions spilling over into her expression. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

The longing in her voice registers, but it takes a second for the ramifications of that longing to sink in.

I’ve never felt guilt. Not for killing guards to get out of the camp.

Not for killing anyone involved in this business.

Not even for the collateral damage. But the thought of leaving her with Zeiger and Tarik tears me up.

“I’m going to convince him to take Gwen with you,” I tell her. “Then you won’t be alone.”

She smiles, but she still looks sad, and tears slide down her cheeks.

“It’s not forever, love. I can promise you that.”

She kisses me, and I let myself get lost in the way her mouth moves. The way she tastes, the feel of her tongue, the warmth of her breath as she rocks herself into a back-arching orgasm. And when her tremors slow, I relent to the fiery heat of my own climax.

The pleasure rocks me in a wild wrath of ecstasy.

As adrenaline fades, reality seeps in, and a wave of resentment hits. Resentment that my life is so twisted. Anger that I’m unable to manage a normal relationship with all my fucking baggage. Disappointment that I took this road to get closer to Tarik instead of being patient and earning his trust.

“Hey.” Her soft voice pulls at me. She leans away and takes my face in both hands, and the expression she levels on me pops one of those steel bands keeping my heart closed. “What’s happening inside you?”

I stroke her hair back. “Nothing.”

“What I feel is not nothing.”

I roll to my knees, lift her to pull out, then lay her back and kiss her again before cleaning up in the bathroom.

I stare at my reflection with chaos whipping through me. I disassociate with my image as the hard, disappointing questions hit: Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Is this what I want? Or am I letting rage rule my life?

I can’t clearly or easily answer those questions, so I push them aside and force my mind back to my mission: doing what I have to do to end the man who killed my family.

When I return to the bedroom, Malia is in the shirt I pulled off earlier, headed toward the door. “Where are you going?”

She freezes, and even from a distance, I see all her muscles coil in fear. When she turns, I see it on her face too, and the sight feels like a rock in my chest.

“I was going to sleep on the sofa,” she says. “I thought you’d want to be rid of me, like before.”

Well, fuck .

I should be glad that she’s learning these things, because that’s exactly what Soren would want.

But I’m starting to wonder if I’m hurting her more than helping.

When I offered to do this, I thought I had the capacity to remain callous, but I clearly can’t seem to do that with Malia. Something Jairo saw long before I did.

When this started, I saw Malia as a means to an end.

Now, she’s the end to which I need to find the means.

“Come back to bed.” Her fear turns to confusion, but she walks toward the bed, where I intercept her.

She leans into me and wraps her arms around my middle. “I’ll take any amount of time I can get with you.”

Everything inside me softens. Fuck. When did this tsunami of emotions swallow me whole?

I’m trying to convince myself I don’t love the look of her in my shirt when she starts to pull her arm out of one sleeve.

“Keep it on for now,” I tell her. “It’s chilly in here.”

On the bed, I wrap her up, pull her close, and lie back.

There, halfway on top of me, she settles her head on my shoulder and sighs.

All the tension leaves her body, and her hand slides across my chest. I cover it with my own as one of her legs finds its way between mine.

I’m not sure which feels more incredible, this or sex.

“I want to hear about your tattoos before our time together ends.”

I hate the idea of our time together ending.

“I bet you have a lot of women in your life.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You’re handsome, wealthy, intelligent. And there’s a good person beneath whatever shell you have to wear in this business. I imagine when you’re out of this environment, you’re…”

I’m not a good person. If I was, I would never have tried to use her against her father. And the joke turned out to be on me, because her father couldn’t give a fuck about her or what anyone else does to her.

“I’m…?” I nudge.

“Charming and charismatic.”

I huff a rough laugh. “You’re giving me way too much credit.”

“I’ve been holding galas for five years.

I’ve met a lot of wealthy men and watched countless couples navigate in a highly pressurized situation.

So, I can see a lot in you that you probably don’t even see in yourself.

You’d also be mouthwatering in a tux and turn every head with that smile of yours. ”

I take her chin between my fingers and study her. But I don’t see the pretty shell. I see a soul that impresses the hell out of me. One I can’t bear to see crushed. “Why did you turn down my offer to take you away from this? And don’t tell me it’s to keep me safe.”

She slides her warm hand down my chest, then back up. “It is. You’re going to be working with them. I’d like you to have plausible deniability over the topic.”

“I can take care of myself, Malia.”

“Yari thought he could too.”

As she did with the kitten, she’s doing what’s right for another soul at her own expense.

We go quiet, and I let the silence drift, my mind spinning with scenarios that would allow me to get her out, but I always hit a wall. I’m in too deep now. I can’t just walk away.

“We only have a few days left together,” she says. “How much more do you need to teach me?”

I exhale, hating that thought while she’s safe in my arms. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

She lets it go, clearly not any more interested in getting information than I am of giving it. “That situation at the school today was crazy. That guy scared the bejesus out of me. I’m glad it happened while you were there. I meant to thank you earlier, but it’s been a day.”

“That it has.”

“When did you learn to shoot?”

“Young. It’s a necessity on the streets.”

“Is it hard to learn?”

“Anyone can fire a gun. It’s not much more than point and shoot, but shooting well takes practice.”

“How many bullets does a gun hold?”

“Depends on the gun. Usually, fifteen in a full clip.” I pause, waiting for her to ask more questions in hopes of figuring out why she’s asking. When she doesn’t, I say, “Have you been using the phone?”

“Only at night in my room with all the doors and windows locked. It helps me remember there’s another world out there. But it also shows me what I’ll be facing when I’m with Soren.”

I slide a finger across her brow, moving her hair out of her eyes.

While I want to do nothing but stay just like this with her, I know her future is dim, and I can give her something good now.

“Do you want to get out of the hotel and go somewhere? Shops are probably closed, but we could go to a restaurant or a bar.”

She pops up on one elbow, her lips parted, her eyes wide. “Really?”

I grin. “I guess I have my answer.”

She bites her lip against a smile—the cutest thing I’ve ever seen—and swings her legs off the bed.

My cell rings, and Zeiger’s number shows on the screen. I’m tempted to ignore it, but he’d probably send in the cavalry if I don’t answer. I pick up with a curt “Yeah.”

“Hugo wants you back.”

“We’ll be back tomorrow.” I glance at Malia and find her looking at me over her shoulder. “Malia had to move the press conference.”

“Forget the press conference. Hugo wants you on the plane now. After what happened in Colombia, he’s anxious to make those security changes.

We want to see what you’ve got on the site plans and discuss more locations.

He also doesn’t like having Malia halfway across the world with only you.

All she has to do is say the wrong thing for this to blow up in our faces.

Just get on the plane. The pilot will let us know when you’re there. ”

He disconnects, and my temper skyrockets. I know this is good. If they want to discuss more locations, it means I’m moving forward, getting deeper. But, damn, I really wanted to suspend time with Malia for a few hours.

“Motherfucker.” In a flash of fury, I throw the phone across the room. It hits a vase, which falls and shatters, startling Malia.

I roll toward her, wrap an arm around her waist and kiss her neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just pissed .”

She slides her hand over my arm and leans against my shoulder. “They want me back, don’t they? I knew they wouldn’t want only one person watching me.”

“They also want to talk business, which means I need to go to New York before going back to the house. I’d take you, but?—”

“They won’t allow it.”

I lean in and press my face to her neck and kiss her again. “But we still have hours on the plane.”

That gets me a smile.

“Listen,” she says, “I know you can’t teach me everything he wants in the time we have left. Let’s just be together until I have to leave. Just you and me, being you and me.”

Yeah, nice idea, but… “You need to be?—”

“Ready, I know.” Her gaze falls away. “I’ve spent some time on the internet after googling the things you told me about.” She meets my gaze again. “There’s no way anyone could prepare me for that. And I don’t want to spend the little time we have left that way.”

I exhale, pull her close, and squeeze my eyes closed. I have a better idea: spend the next couple of days finding a way to break her free from those fuckers without risking all our lives.