Page 17 of Gideon (Finding Home #3)

She smiles serenely. “Not at all. He knows there’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Does he know?” I hesitate, thinking of the messy ropes of our friendship, the times I tried to fuck her and couldn’t get it up, the threesomes we’d had so that I could fuck another man using Jacinta as cover.

She immediately shakes her head. “Never,” she says. “I will never tell anyone that, Gid. That’s our secret.”

“We have so many.”

“Not anymore,” she says, standing up and flopping into my lap. “I have a feeling that all the things we kept secret for so long are rising to the surface.”

“Like pond scum,” I say grimly, thinking of the dark murk that my career has encased me in.

“Don’t say that,” she says softly, coiling her arms around my neck and gifting me with the scent of the Dune perfume that she’s always worn.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

“What for?”

“For everything. For the way I used you as some sort of beard.” I hesitate. “Are you sure that didn’t contribute to the drug use?”

“Oh, get over yourself,” she scoffs. “Not everything is about you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say piously. “I have to say that I think you’re very wrong with that statement.”

She laughs and hugs me. “Gid, you never used me. You were my rock. The one person who knew me and loved me anyway. Unconditional love is what I got from you, and I loved every minute with you. We were like twins.”

“Only if it was in the Roman Empire,” I mutter, but I smile, remembering the times we kicked out the other man and lay in bed sharing a pillow and room service, laughing and talking and plotting our next escapade.

I feel a pang of loss that this won’t happen again.

I love that she’s clean and happy, but I’ve lost the one person I could be myself with after Niall left.

She laughs. “Okay, I’ll give you that.” As if sensing my lost feelings, she strokes my face.

“Gid, you’re my family and I love you utterly.

No matter what happens, I will always love you.

” She sighs. “I just want you to admit that you’re loveable and that you deserve happiness rather than living like this. ”

“Living like what?”

“On the edge of disaster. You’re like a fucking boat that’s slipped its mooring. You’re so lost, love, and you nearly fucking died.”

“You’ve been listening to Niall too much.”

She smirks. “When he can stop talking about his boy toy.”

“Ugh, that’s my brother.”

She laughs. “It’s actually not the Roman Empire. It’s the Borgias.”

“Didn’t that end in poison and death?” I say lightly, but her face falls.

“Don’t mention death,” she says fiercely. “I nearly lost you.”

“You’ll never lose me,” I say softly.

“ Promise. ” She stares at me. “Promise me the way you promised that gorgeous nurse. I know you when you mean something.”

I shake my head. “I thought for a moment you’d dropped it.”

She scoffs. “Love, you know better.” She nudges me. “He’s so gorgeous.”

I sigh. “He’s also young, and he has his shit together. When did we ever pick people like that?”

“I think we probably should have.”

I shrug. “Maybe, but this won’t go anywhere. Yes, he’s pretty, but he doesn’t think of me as anything other than his patient.”

She purses her lips. “I’m really not sure of the veracity of that statement.”

“Darling, your vocabulary has improved since you stopped stuffing things up your nose.”

She cackles. “It’s Alex. He even punctuates his texts. He’s a terrible influence.” She nudges me. “Go on, have a go. Make a pass.”

“What a terrible expression.” I push her fingers away from my ribcage. “He wouldn’t be interested in a middle-aged closeted actor anyway. I’m so old I’m practically Methuselah in the gay world. If I went to a club they’d be fetching my pipe and slippers.”

She stares at me open-mouthed. “Who is this person talking?” she says in a tone of wonder. “Is it the same Gideon Ramsay who once replied to my request for an opinion on my outfit with the words, ‘Who cares, sweetie? They’re only going to be looking at me.’”

I laugh. “I wasn’t wrong. Stop being jelly.” The humour dies, and I sigh. “Anyway, he’s far too happy and a nice person for me. Ouch!” I wriggle away from her sharp elbow in my ribs. “What was that for?”

“For constantly devaluing yourself. You’ve paid Frankie to do that for long enough.”

“Not that again. You’ve been listening to Milo.”

“I don’t need to listen to anyone. Gid, he’s poison. I know you look on him as some sort of father figure.”

“Well, that’s fucked up. The first useless one was given to me without a choice, and now you’re saying I actually chose the second one.”

“He chose you. He plucked you out because he saw how brilliant you were and how lonely. And then he spent years binding you to him, making you think you’re wrong and the only person who can help you is him.” She curls her lip in disgust. “He’s a cunt.”

“Let’s not do this.” I sigh. “He’s right. I’ll just carry on the way I am. I’m happy.”

“Are you?”

I look out, seeing the sunbeams dance on the sea. “At the moment,” I say slowly. “I take what moments I can get, to be honest.”

“One day you’re going to learn how to actually expect happiness as your given right because you’ll own everything you are. And you’re fucking epic, Gid. You don’t see it, but I know it, and the day you’re true to yourself, I’ll know my best friend is finally happy.”

I swallow hard, abruptly sick of this pointless conversation. “Speaking of family, where is Daisy? Where is your incredibly perfect sister?”

She smiles evilly. “She was coming with us, but she missed the tender. I made sure to wave at her from the boat.”

“I would have thought that she’d be walking on water by now.”

She laughs loudly. “Can you imagine her as Jesus? She’d never have fed the five thousand all that bread. Way too many carbs.”

I laugh. “She’d have given them SlimFast and water biscuits.”

She chuckles and curls into me, her weight familiar and warm as we talk. But part of me is listening for the phone and wondering what Eli’s doing.

It’s late afternoon by the time she and Alex leave the boat, and the sun is slanting low, gilding us in its soft glaze. I accept her hug, relishing the fact that her body seems supple and healthy again and not a bag of bones. “Keep going with it,” I whisper. “Promise me, Jac.”

She pulls back. “I promise.” She leans closer. “And promise to shag your nurse, Gid. It’ll do you the world of good.”

I burst into laughter. “He’s not Lucozade. And how come my comment was heartfelt and sentimental and yours was just crass?”

“You make me uncomfortable when you’re nice.”

“Oh, lovely.” I stand back and Alex throws his arm over her shoulder. “Take care of her,” I say and he smiles, holding out his hand to shake.

“I will,” he says, his deep voice warm and serene. “I promise.”

The engine starts on the tender and Jacinta looks around. “Isn’t this the last boat? You’re sailing in half an hour. Where’s your nurse?”

I purse my lips, worry forming. “I don’t know.” I shrug. “I’m sure he’s getting a water taxi. Don’t worry.”

We exchange kisses and hugs, and I linger on the deck to wave until they’re out of sight. I stare out to the dock anxiously, but there’s no sign of anyone on the other side, no messy blond head.

I turn to a crew member. “My nurse went ashore today and isn’t back yet. What should we do?”

The man frowns. “Oh dear. Have you tried him on his phone?”

I hold up a finger, and he waits while I dial Eli’s number. The phone clicks straight onto his answering service. I ring off and look at the man. “No answer.”

He gives me an apologetic smile. “I’m afraid we can’t wait for him.

The ship must sail at its given time. That can’t be broken.

” He pats my arm. “Please don’t worry. It’s happened many times.

He’ll just have to make his way to the next port of call, and he can board in the normal way.

He’s actually lucky because we’re mooring in Nice which is only a few hours down the coast. He might even be able to get to us before we moor. ”

I nod my thanks and scan the water anxiously, but there’s no sign of him. I feel worry churn in my stomach. What if something has happened to them? What if they’ve had an accident and he’s lying in hospital? What can I do?

My phone has stayed silent all afternoon.

The time to take my pills came and went with no phone call.

I’d remembered and taken them, but this is so out of character for him.

I ring his phone again and leave a message on his voicemail.

“This is Gideon,” I say abruptly, wincing at the fact that my tone sounds harsh.

“I’m concerned as to where you are. If you’re not here by six thirty the ship will sail.

You need to make your way to Nice and wait for the boat so you can board there. ”

I make my way back to my cabin, thinking that he’ll probably call.

But he doesn’t. Six thirty comes and goes, and the ship backs out of the port with the sun slanting low over the horizon.

Night falls and, lit by a huge harvest moon, I stand on my deck and stare out over the sea that’s roiling slowly and inkily under the bright moonlight.

What the fuck is he playing at? He acted all concerned earlier on.

Please could I not drink. He wanted me to ring him if I felt ill.

I snort. I’d be dead if I was reliant on that phone call.

He hadn’t even bothered to ring about my medicine, regardless of the fact that he seems to think I’m incapable of looking after myself and need him to do everything.

I wonder if he got a room with Oliver and they overslept. I imagine them sleeping unconcerned and entangled together, all young, taut flesh and golden skin, and anger stirs.

Fuck him. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone . I’ve proved that all my life. Some nurse isn’t going to disrupt that, no matter how close I feel to him.

“Back away,” I say out loud. “He isn’t worth the trouble.”