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Chapter Eighteen

Josiah

Josiah carried Alex up the stairs to the bathroom and deposited him carefully on the wicker chair in the corner. “I thought we could take a shower – get cleaned up,” he said.

“Together?” Alex asked hopefully.

“I sure as hell hope so. I…uh, I want to show you that I’m not always like I was downstairs.” Josiah grimaced.

“I like who you were downstairs.”

“Well, good then,” he responded, feeling suddenly shy. It had been easy enough earlier, when he’d been in the grip of all those violent emotions, but now he wasn’t so sure of himself. He crouched down in front of Alex and gently caressed his face.

“I can hardly believe it was you that night. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about you, talked about you with Elsie, and worried about you. I prayed that you’d got away.”

“I almost did,” Alex said, with a rueful smile. “I was so close, but Tyler caught me.”

“I’m sorry. We tried calling you, but I’m guessing you’d disposed of the nanopad by then.”

“Yeah. I thought as I’d used it to call the ambulance that Inquisitus might be able to trace it. ”

“They attempted to,” Josiah said. “I wasn’t allowed to take part in the investigation, but Esther threw some crumbs my way. She told me they’d had no luck tracing your nanopad. I had to pretend to be disappointed, but I was secretly relieved.”

“I threw it into a lost zone.”

“That was a wise move, but you must have felt so cut off and alone.”

“I was terrified,” Alex admitted.

“One more casualty of that terrible night.” Josiah leaned forward and kissed him gently. “Ben…” He shook his head in disbelief. “After all these years, to find you again… and in these circumstances.”

“I thought about you, too, all the time.” Alex rested his hands on Josiah’s chest. “I read everything I could find about you. I worried about how you were doing without Peter. I could see you two had something special, even though I’d only seen you for such a short time – it was obvious.

I was even jealous.” He stopped short, and bit his lip.

“Jealous?” Josiah frowned.

Alex nodded. “When I told you the other night that I once met a remarkable man who made me feel something, but the timing was all wrong…”

“That was me?” Josiah asked, astonished.

“Yes. From the moment I met you in the car, I felt this instant attraction. You seemed so strong and self-assured, and I was so lost and frightened. I loved how you and Peter talked to each other, how you made each other laugh, your easy intimacy. I wanted what you had with Peter. Then he was killed, and I wished I could be with you, to help you in some way, but it was impossible. Of course, it was all a fantasy – I didn’t actually know you.

I’ve only really come to know you during these past few days. ”

“Ah – and how did I measure up?” Josiah questioned ruefully. “You must be disappointed. You expected the knight in shining armour of your fantasy, but found a sad basket case instead. Not the kind of man you were hoping for, huh?”

“Better,” Alex said firmly. “Much better – because you’re real, and because I knew why you were falling apart, and because it finally gave me a chance to help you, the way I wanted to all those years ago.

” He gently clasped Josiah’s face between his hands.

“I’ve wanted you for so long, but I didn’t believe it might actually happen.

” He leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

Josiah leaned into the sweetness of the kiss.

“Now, how about that shower?” Alex suggested, with a grin.

“I think we both need it.” Josiah got to his feet and started unbuttoning his shirt, feeling self-conscious again.

“Stop,” Alex said. He got up and held on to the sink for a moment before his legs started working again. Then he leaned over and batted Josiah’s fingers away. “Let me,” he said. “You’ve seen me butt naked – it’s my turn now.”

Alex undressed him slowly, opening his shirt one button at a time, pausing between each one to kiss the newly exposed flesh. The fourth button revealed the chain holding his wedding ring; Alex stopped and looked up questioningly.

Josiah expected to feel a pang of guilt, but he didn’t. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “Peter would approve, I think.”

Alex gently touched the ring with his fingers. “You always wear it?”

“Yes. Since that night. It used to belong to my father – I wore it around my neck for years before I gave it to Peter.”

Alex smiled and kissed it. Then he pulled Josiah’s shirt away and let it drop to the floor, before brushing his fingertips over his bare chest, tracing the outlines of his muscles and ribs, bending to kiss and nuzzle where the mood took him.

Josiah gazed at Alex from heavy-lidded eyes, lost in the quietly charged atmosphere between them.

He longed to feel Alex’s bare skin pressed against his own, but Alex was taking his time, clearly savouring every moment of undressing him.

Josiah wanted to give him that, so he stood still, breathing heavily, feeling his arousal start to build again.

Alex helped him out of his socks and shoes, then slowly unzipped his trousers and slid them down his legs, along with his boxers. Finally, he was naked, too. Josiah was vain enough to suck in his stomach, which made Alex laugh.

“Too much chocolate,” Josiah said ruefully, because although he was in good shape, his belly wasn’t as washboard flat as it had once been.

“Skinny wouldn’t suit you,” Alex said, then he proceeded to circle him, kissing and caressing as he went .

Josiah gasped as he felt Alex’s hands caressing his buttocks, and then the warm press of his lips upon them.

Alex lingered there, kissing and stroking, then returned to stand in front of him.

“My turn now,” Josiah said. He pulled Alex in close, so that their naked bodies were pressed up against each other, skin on skin.

He’d been longing for this, and it didn’t disappoint.

He slid his hands down Alex’s back, caressing him lightly with his fingertips, and then cupped his buttocks in his hands and squeezed them.

Alex seemed to enjoy this – he moaned and pressed up hard against him – yet suddenly, it occurred to Josiah that Alex might simply be giving him what he wanted.

He thought of all the men Alex had been forced to sleep with, and it gave him pause.

“Do you really want this?” he asked, cupping Alex’s jaw between his hands and gazing into his clear grey eyes. “Or are you just trying to please me?”

“Oh, I definitely want to please you,” Alex purred.

“Stop it. I need to know. Is this to get me onside, so I’ll agree to whatever plan you’ve been cooking up in that clever brain of yours?” Josiah demanded. “If you want something from me, then just ask – you don’t have to seduce me into it.”

“No,” Alex said firmly. “I wouldn’t use you like that, Joe.”

“You’ve tried before,” Josiah reminded him. “The first night you were here – you attempted to seduce me then.”

A shadow passed across Alex’s face. “Yes,” he said honestly. Josiah drew away.

“Please understand – I had to give my houders what they wanted in order to survive,” Alex told him, grasping his hand and pulling him back.

“I thought – hoped – you’d be better than the others, but I didn’t know for sure.

A lot can happen in seven years, and an IS had killed your husband.

You don’t understand what it’s like, being passed on to a new houder and wondering how to be as pleasing as possible, so they won’t beat you. ”

“I do understand that. It’s just that it’s been so long for me, and it’s too important. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to be hurt, either. I haven’t slept with many men; before Peter, there were only a handful.”

Alex’s eyes clouded over. “I have, though. I’ve slept with more people than I can even remember, and that’s why this is important to me, too, in a different way.

” He rested his hands on Josiah’s hips and stroked his thumbs over his skin.

“You see, I haven’t slept with anyone by my own choice in years.

I was told who to have sex with, and it was my job to give them a good time.

If I didn’t, then I was punished. You’re the first person in ages that I’m choosing.

Me. I’m doing the choosing, and I’m choosing you, because I can, and because I want to.

” He was trembling as he said that. “I want you, Joe. My choice, my desire – mine – for the first time in a very long time. Don’t doubt me, Joe. ”

Josiah pulled him close to calm him. “I don’t. I just have to be sure it’s what you really want, because the last thing I want is to exploit you. People have been doing that for too long, and I won’t be one of them. Downstairs, I was upset and confused. I hope I didn’t cross a line.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me downstairs. I enjoyed every second.”

“And now…?” Josiah asked anxiously. “I want you, Alex, but I don’t want to be played. I want the real you.”

Alex gave him a look that was so honest it took his breath away. “You have me,” he said. “Oh God, you have the real me. I promise you that.”

“Good. Because I like him, this real Alex. I like him very much. You never, ever have to hide him from me again.”

Alex swallowed hard, then drew back.

“You’re right to push me on this. You’re right to demand my honesty. I should have known that this could never be casual for you. That’s not who you are. So… as we’re being honest, I’d like something from you, too.”

“Tell me. If I can do it, I will.”

Alex looked down, flushing. Josiah wondered what he could possibly want that would make him so shy .