Page 49

Canada Day is in full swing. We’re all decked out in red and white—Paige and I feeling a little like we’re besmirching our Americanness, but our family is Canadian so we accept we’re dual citizens.

Levi has been especially quiet tonight, watching the kids run around with a concentration not typical of his age. No matter how much I try to get him to play, he’s content to sit on the deck and blow bubbles with me.

His stuffed “woo” sits in a stranglehold under his arm, where it’s been ever since Julien gave it to him.

Even though it’s July, the temperature is mild, warm with a nice breeze coming off the bay. Adam and Paige’s house is the perfect place for our gathering, the crooked deck he and his siblings built big enough for the whole family to sit and eat on while the kids and dogs run around in the yard. Simon and Jake’s six-year-old even spotted a whale going by.

It’s another world here. Even though I’ve lived in Vancouver for almost two years, it still feels surreal sometimes. I’ve never been anywhere outside Utah and some of the neighbouring states, so this is the most exotic place I’ve ever been.

Travelling makes me nervous. So many things could go terribly wrong. And whenever Ian wanted to go somewhere, he did a boys’ trip instead, insisting he didn’t want me to worry.

More like he didn’t want me to ruin whatever he had planned.

There’s another thing about travelling: the planning. The trip to Vegas took so much time to plan, trying to figure out all the logistics of herding ten people around and making sure we would all have a good time. And while I love a good itinerary, it was a lot of work.

We haven’t been back for long, but real life sunk back in and now it’s all a dream, like someone else lived in my body for the weekend. The woman who lives in Vancouver definitely didn’t run a half marathon. The woman who lives here didn’t have the best sex of her life with the man she loves.

I might be able to convince myself it was just a dream if Paige and Adam could stop bugging me about it, asking ridiculous questions like, “are you dating?” or “do you want to have a double wedding?”

And the dreams. The dreams don’t help one bit. Nor does the moment where I wake up in the morning and reach for him, expecting him to be there. He never is. Every day, I have to wrestle with the urge to call him.

And today?

Today I’m acting like a psychotic hockey fan, constantly checking the stats on trades. It’s contract day or something. I don’t know. Adam explained it to me, but he’s unaware of Julien’s plans or whether the Whales plan to extend his contract .

I’ve been a nervous wreck. Even baking four pies wasn’t enough to calm my nerves. The run I went on this morning was useless because I associate running with Julien, and he wasn’t out on the paths today. So not only can I not stop thinking about him, I’m also worried.

I cannot text him. I can’t sway him any more than I probably already have. I’m not naive enough to believe I’m not going to be a factor in his decision. If it was the other way around, I’d one hundred percent consider him. How could I not? But I don’t want to be the whole reason he stays.

I want to ask him to stay.

But if I’m the reason he stays, then I’m the reason he’s decided to retire, even though he was thinking about it before he met me.

A scream of delight pierces through my muddled thoughts. Simon and Jake’s kids are chasing their dads around the yard, screaming in laughter.

Liam is tossing his three-year-old up high in the air. My heart clenches at the height before he safely catches her.

Simon’s two-year-old falls down and starts crying for his dad. Levi watches with rapt attention, his shrewd eyes taking everything in.

A big, bushy body comes to sit beside Levi, and the big Newfoundlander snuggles under Levi’s tight grip, trying to get at his wolf.

“Penny, back off,” Adam orders the dog. She looks at him with big sad eyes but he shakes his head. Q comes up behind her and barks. Penny slinks off with an even bushier Q close behind .

“Unbelievable,” Adam mutters, coming to sit beside me. “Penny listens to Q more than she does me.”

I laugh because it’s true. I’ve seen it so many times. Penny is so unruly, but Q helps keep her in line.

“Just wait until there are little Harrison-Ashford babies running around. Then you’ll be in real trouble.”

Adam laughs, his gaze flicking over to Paige with a wistful look. “Don’t I know it.”

“The invitations went out okay?” I ask, knowing he’ll know the answer, probably more than Paige.

“Yeah, the stationery designer sent us everything before we left for Vegas, and we sent them out right when we got back.”

I’m still recovering from the stag and doe weekend. With their wedding in four months, it’s coming up fast. There’s so much to do, so much to plan for.

Adam interrupts my mental list prep. “Isabel is complaining about her plus-one.”

That doesn’t surprise me at all. She was adamant she wanted to go solo to the wedding, insisting she doesn’t need a date.

“Any news?” I ask, changing the subject. My eyes fix on the whitecaps in the bay.

Adam takes the change in conversation in stride and pulls out his phone. “Not yet, and the Whales haven’t signed a goalie so I’m not sure what’s going on. We’ll know soon.” He braces a hand on my shoulder to reassure me.

I sigh. “I wish I could ask him. ”

For once, Adam doesn’t pester me, doesn’t make a joke about how cute our babies would be. “I know.”

That surprises me. I tear my attention away from the water to look at him. He’s assessing me. What does he see?

“You do?”

He nods. “When I thought Paige hadn’t texted me back, all I wanted to do was reach out to her. For months I thought about her every day, stalked her online.” He chuckles at the memory. “But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I didn’t want to overstep, I didn’t want to push.”

“Do you regret it? Now that you know she messed up your number, do you wish you had reached out sooner?”

He shakes his head. “That’s an impossible question. Of course I wish I could’ve had those two extra years with her. When we’re old and running out of time, I think I’ll regret it, knowing no time with her will ever be enough. I’ll want those two years.”

“But?”

He looks at me again. “But who’s to say we would’ve worked if I had reached out? Or if she got my number right. Maybe this is how it was supposed to play out, so we were both ready for this kind of love when we found each other again.”

Hearing this man speak so openly about his feelings for my sister makes my heart squeeze. My nose stings with tears, but some small part of me is so sad I don’t have that. Or maybe I do.

Ninety-five percent happy.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing, giving him space. ”

Even though I know it’s the right thing, it feels good to have someone who’s close to Julien agree with me.

“Thank you.”

“How are things with Ian?”

I’m grateful he’s the one to change the topic this time. Anything to distract myself from losing Julien. This, at least, is something that’s gone my way.

“He was pissed as a chihuahua when the judge denied his request.”

“I bet.”

“I told him even though he didn’t win, if he wanted to be a part of Levi’s life, he could prove to both of us he truly wants it.”

“That’s generous of you.”

“I thought so.”

“And what did he say?”

“He told me to go fuck myself and went back to Utah.”

“Good riddance.”

I wish that had been the end of it. But the second he got back to Utah, he tried to go to the press with my research. Luckily I still have some connections down there, so a friend, Paige’s old running buddy Sadie, called me to tell me about it.

He thought he could use me, manipulate me the way he used to, but he doesn’t know me anymore. He doesn’t know this version of me. I slapped him with a lawsuit so fast I hope he felt it. And like any dirtbag, he crawled back to the hole he came out of.

Adam slings his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in for a side hug, planting a kiss on the top of my head. My vision blurs as I soak in the affection of my brother, so grateful to have him in my life. He holds me there, lending me his strength.

Paige looks over to us and smiles, her face full of love. God, I’m lucky.

Something distracts her and her face morphs into surprise at something behind us. Adam and I turn to see Julien carrying a bowl of what looks like salad over to Maggie. He leans down and kisses her cheek, speaking so low I can’t hear. My body trembles.

Actually physically shaking.

“Is this good news or bad news?” I whisper to Adam.

“I have no idea,” he says quietly.

Not helpful.

“You okay?” he asks.

I nod and he gives me a little squeeze before he stands and goes over to Julien. Levi notices the new arrival and drops his bottle of bubbles, spilling it all over the deck as he runs to Julien.

“Woo!” he calls.

Julien turns to my son and gives him a huge smile when Levi throws himself at his bare leg. Adam says something to Julien, who gives a small shake of his head. I have no idea what that means.

I can’t take it. I have to tear my eyes away from him. He hasn’t glanced at me once. Not a good sign. He’s avoiding me.

I kick myself for assuming and remind myself that Julien is a quiet man who doesn’t love to show emotions in public. Maybe he’ll pull me aside later to speak with me privately.

Break my heart where no one can see .

Paige and Isabel beckon me over and I reluctantly drag myself to them, knowing they want to talk all things Julien. I shake my head before they can ask if I know what’s going on. Paige hugs me big and quick before almost getting knocked over by her dogs. We bend down to love on the big floofs. I love the way their silky coats feel.

Even though I’m not really an animal person, I love these dogs. Especially Q, who Paige tried to gift as a puppy to our mom. She’s impossible.

It happens in slow motion. One minute Levi is attached to Julien’s leg, the next he’s running after Bond, the grey cat Adam secretly adopted. His quick little toddler steps are so cute, but also unpractised.

The deck is built wonky and uneven. Levi trips, launching forward and falling flat on his face. I’m halfway to him when he looks up in shock. I see it, he’s going to start crying.

He wails, but uses his hands to get up, his eyes searching. I’m almost there when he turns and runs to Julien.

“Dada, dada,” he cries.

I stop dead, frozen in my tracks as a chill runs down my spine. Julien doesn’t miss a beat. He crouches down and scoops Levi into his arms, hugging him close and muttering to him.

Probably in French.

My breathing is deep, or shallow—honestly, I can’t tell. My world was balanced on the edge of a knife, and it just fell one way. Levi called Julien “dada. ”

All day, he’s been watching the other kids call for their moms and dads. I watched him watch them, wondering what was going on in his mind. And it’s playing out before me now.

Levi holds his hands to show where he’s hurt. Julien places a kiss on each palm and then rubs their noses together. When Levi holds out “woo” to him, Julien kisses each paw dutifully. Because of course he does.

It’s too much. I can’t watch this. But I can’t go into the house through the back patio door because Julien is standing right there.

I turn on my heel and flee so no one can see the tears spilling down my face.