Page 30 of Generation Omega: Claimed (Originverse #3)

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” Kaz can’t seem to stop. He’s grasping the wheel to remain in place. “Oh, fuck, fucking fuck… this fucking hurts like a son of a damn bitch in fucking heat.”

I’m about to demand answers again, but the smug expression Gideon’s wearing, along with the absolute horror from Kaz, Jameson’s face that’s frozen in shock, and Thatcher’s pained relief… I know exactly what I never wanted to know.

Yup, they’ve all got knots now—everyone has what Tillie needs except me. I didn’t realize the denial I was clinging to until reality dealt it a mortal blow. I’m just getting kicked in the face, over and over, and still standing stupidly in place, not even bothering to defend myself.

Oh.

Is that what this is? What surfaced right before the heat began, when that image planted itself in my soul? That can crushed beneath a boot and discarded like trash. Everything within me instantly becomes a spiraling tornado attached to a black hole that I didn’t even realize was lurking so close.

This path I’m on will lead to more pain than I’ve ever known, and just like when I was a boy, I could have stood up and walked away.

This story didn’t have to be mine. But I didn’t leave.

I was trapped and terrified of a loss I couldn’t comprehend, and I’m still there.

I’m that quivering boy whose only option is to lose something so dear to him that his life will be irrevocably changed.

The night of the fire, if I’d left my bed and gone to the window, my dad would still be alive, but I would have lost my belief that my father was a superhero, capable of always protecting me.

I want him back—I wish I had done something different.

Every single minute, I wish I would have been willing to overcome my fears and accept that sometimes kids have to save themselves.

If I’d abandoned Tillie when she begged me to, my entire life would have changed, become unrecognizable to me.

I never even considered it, but I wish I had—not because I would have done anything differently, but because I might have more peace now if I’d made my choice from a place of self-awareness and accountability.

If I’d acknowledged to myself that part of the reason I stayed with her was because I was terrified to discover who I was without her, then there wouldn’t be sharp fragments of a can still tearing into me.

But I didn’t let myself honestly own anything about this choice that will define the rest of my life.

I’ll never know who I was meant to be beyond what I am to her.

Guilt surges, the horror of it identical to how I’ve always felt about being the reason my dad died.

Only on this dark emotional ride could I ever truly observe how I transferred my loyalty and purpose to Tillie after my father was gone.

Not to my mother. I haven’t thought about her since this began, but Tillie did.

She said my mother had lost enough and attempted to use my mom to convince me to leave.

I didn’t trust my mother after my father died—I can see that now.

She couldn’t save him. She didn’t raise me right, or I would have saved myself.

She certainly couldn’t keep me safe. But Tillie did.

She fought the villains who came for me, giving me the chance to grow big and powerful, so I could fight my own battles and hers.

I was still in her debt when the omegaverse came knocking, even though Tillie would never want me to feel that way. Living in debt to her, acting as though I didn’t have a choice to stay or to go… I’m that boy hiding under his covers, watching life happen to him like a pathetic coward.

What I shouldn’t be doing is whining about the price, when I had a choice. This isn’t Kaz’s responsibility, though I blame him too. He could have just killed me. He didn’t have to see worth in me that I’ve always struggled to find in myself.

I could be free.

I could be with my father.

I could even be getting ready for the fight I was meant to compete in this weekend in Reno.

Kaz will never let me get back in a ring, and I can’t even question that, given he would slaughter anyone who hurt me.

It’s just reaction—that’s what this must be, the harsh acceptance that my life will never be mine again.

I’ll always just be an alpha’s property and an omega’s support staff.

It’s over, all my opportunities to figure out who I might have been. It’s almost like the Ethan I was—the only version of me I’ve ever known—died and was reborn bound to this pack that will tell me who to be, what to do, and where to go.

I’ll never have another secret or the ability to mull things without an audience.

I won’t ever be able to fantasize about what my life might have been if my father had lived and I hadn’t seized hold of Tillie with a death grip just to keep going.

I made myself her problem when she was buried in her own nightmares, and she never once fought her own bullies as fiercely as she defeated mine.

Broken children really do know how to honor their pinkie swears, ride or die forever. But neither of us deserved such limited horizons—that’s the fucking truth right there. She’s not to blame and, strangely, neither am I. It’s fate that did us dirty, and the hits just keep on coming.

Kaz is still in agony, clenching hold of the wheel that may give up the fight soon. He’s intently studying my face, watching every expression as my pitiful inner movie plays for him. He doesn’t even look surprised.

Kaz.

He doesn’t respond, but I clearly have his attention.

If there’s ever a choice between saving me and saving Tillie…

Don’t you fucking say it. His voice is a lash inside me, and I welcome the pain and continue.

She has alphas now who are more than capable of taking care of her.

That feral beast upstairs would gladly annihilate the human race for her.

Ory is perfect, with a villain’s ability to focus on his woman over everyone and everything else, and Mackenzie is gentle enough to love her the way she deserves to be loved.

Gideon is perfect for her too. Thatcher is a fucking asshole, but Jameson might get better, and you…

Don’t you fucking say it.

I have to, Kaz. I need you to hear me. If there is ever a choice between saving me or saving her, you must save her. I have reasons not to fear death—though I’ll never rush toward it—and the idea of a fresh start, the chance to get answers to the big questions of my life…

Please, Kaz, don’t force me to stay in this life without her, trapped in the damn omegaverse forever.

I don’t blame you. You tried to make me understand what all of this would mean, but I refused to consider any other options.

I thought this was all a sign of fate bringing us together, but now I see it for what it is.

We’re just together because this is what life looks like when you take the wrong roads—when you’re too weak and afraid to search for the right ones.

You should have fought for the omegas and the alphas—you knew they weren’t to blame.

I should have walked away and figured out who I was, long before the omegaverse stole Tillie from her life.

And Tillie… she should never have been so dependent on me, but that was never her fault, not with her shit family.

Ethan…

No, Kaz. You wanted silence, and you’ve got it. Stay out of my fucking head, or I’ll fucking swim to shore.