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Journal

It’s been a while since my last entry, and a lot has happened since then. Today, I wanted to share with you how things have been progressing between Brock and me.

Brock and I have been together officially for three years now.

We’ve managed to keep our relationship relatively private, although I suspect that some of the staff at the bed and breakfast have figured things out.

They’ve always been kind and respectful, giving us the space we need while offering a knowing smile or a gentle nod of understanding.

It’s comforting to be surrounded by people who accept us for who we are without needing explanations.

We’ve also taken a big step in our relationship: we’re now sharing a room.

At first, it was a bit of a logistical challenge, given the need to keep things discreet, but it quickly became the new normal.

Our room has become our sanctuary, a place where we can truly be ourselves without any pretense.

The simple act of waking up next to Brock every morning brings me a sense of peace and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve found what was always missing.

Being with Brock has helped me discover my true self.

It’s been a journey of self-acceptance and love, and I’m grateful every day for having him by my side.

We’ve faced our share of challenges, but we’ve faced them together, and that has made all the difference.

It’s not always easy to navigate this secret life, especially when we want to be open and honest with the world. However, the fear of rejection and misunderstanding still lingers. We’re taking things one day at a time, hoping that one day, we won’t have to hide anymore.

Finn, I want you to know that finding this part of myself has made me a better person. It’s brought me happiness and a sense of completeness that I hope you can understand and accept. Life is too short to live it any other way than authentically.

I look forward to the day when I can introduce you to Brock properly, not just as a friend but as someone who means the world to me. Until then, I hope you continue to live your life with courage and authenticity.

Take care, my son. I love you more than words can express.

With all my heart,

Dad

Wow, my father has gone through so much and I had no knowledge of any of it.

Here I am thinking ill of the man and I knew nothing.

Absolutely nothing. My stomach tightens as I take in his words, not only from my mind, but my heart.

My heart aches with what I am learning about my father.

He had lived an entire life that I was not privy to.

Blame cannot be given to any one person, so it’s not fair to me or him to place it now.

I sigh and look back down at the journal.

My stomach tightens when I see the next entry is years later and takes on a solemn tone of sadness.

I internally debate if I should put the notebook away for another day or keep reading, but the date of the entry tugs at not only my heartstrings, but my internal worry about what the message might contain.

Oh, how I missed out on so much. Had he ever suspected I was gay too? God, how I wish I could have come out to him. To see his eyes light up as he proudly takes me in his arms and declares me his son.

I sigh, and place the journal on my lap fully intent on putting it away. Then I tear it back open and start reading once again.

August 19th, 2019

Today is one of the saddest days of my life.

As I write this entry, tears stain the page and my heart feels heavier than I ever thought possible.

Brock, my beloved partner, has passed away.

Even now, the reality of it seems too painful to accept.

He was my rock, my confidant, my love, and the thought of facing the world without him is almost unbearable.

Brock was more than just a companion to me.

From the moment we realized what we meant to each other, he became my anchor.

For years, he was my steadfast support, the one who lifted me when I was down, the one who celebrated with me in times of joy, and the one who stood by me through every storm we faced.

His presence brought light into my life in ways I never knew were possible.

When we first started this journey together, I was terrified of what might lie ahead.

The fear of being judged, of losing friends and family, of not being accepted for who I truly was weighed heavily on me.

But Brock’s unwavering love and support gave me the courage to embrace my true self.

He showed me that love transcends all barriers and that it’s okay to be who you are, to love who you love.

In the quiet moments we shared, Brock and I often talked about the future.

We dreamt of growing old together, of one day being able to live openly without fear.

He was my partner in every sense of the word, and together, we created a life full of beautiful memories.

From the simple joys of sharing a morning coffee to the profound moments of finding solace in each other's arms during difficult times, Brock was the heartbeat of my existence.

I can’t imagine how I would have survived the trials of life without him.

He was my strength when I felt weak, my hope when I felt despair, and my joy when life seemed bleak.

His laughter was the soundtrack to my happiness, and his smile was my daily source of comfort.

I relied on him in ways I can’t even begin to express, and his absence leaves a void that feels impossible to fill.

Brock taught me what it truly means to love and be loved.

He showed me that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength.

Through his love, I learned to trust, to hope, and to dream again.

His belief in me gave me the courage to pursue my dreams and to be the best version of myself.

Any success I’ve achieved, any happiness I’ve found, I owe to him.

Finn, I don’t know how to go on from here.

The world feels emptier, colder without Brock by my side.

I find myself reaching for him, longing to hear his voice, to feel his touch, but he is no longer here to comfort me.

The bed feels vast and empty, the silence of the house is deafening, and every corner of our home holds a memory of him that brings both solace and sorrow.

I hope that one day, when you read this, you understand just how much Brock meant to me.

He was my everything, and losing him feels like losing a part of myself.

I pray that you never have to experience such pain, but if you do, I hope you remember the strength and love that Brock and I shared.

It’s that love that will carry me through this dark time, and I hope it will guide you too.

As I sit here, pen in hand, I am filled with a profound sense of gratitude for the years I was blessed to spend with Brock.

Though our time together was cut short, the love we shared was boundless and eternal.

I will carry his memory with me for the rest of my days, cherishing every moment, every laugh, every tear.

My dear son, life is fragile and unpredictable.

Hold close those you love, cherish every moment, and never be afraid to show your heart.

If I have learned anything from my time with Brock, it is that love is the most powerful force in the world, capable of overcoming any obstacle, healing any wound.

I love you, Finn, more than words can say. I hope that one day you find a love as deep and true as the one I shared with Brock. And I hope that when you do, you hold onto it with all your might.

With all my love and a heavy heart,

Dad