Page 9 of From the Ashes (Redwood Bay Fire #2)

CHAPTER 9

Colt

This had all seemed like a fun, silly, harmless idea until I arrived on the beach and saw over a dozen people gathered around Zahir, most of whom turned out to be his damn team from the firehouse.

Then I just felt like a manipulative chump who was trying to get away with being an asshole. Again.

I’m so relieved he’s agreed to give me some time alone, but as we start walking down the shoreline, I’m lost for what I can say. They don’t exactly make Hallmark cards that read ‘Sorry I was a total dick to you fifteen years ago,’ do they?

“I guess you weren’t expecting to see me here,” Zahir says eventually, breaking through my jumbled thoughts.

Shaking my head, I decide I’m done with all the bullshit. Well, mostly. He doesn’t need to know this whole picnic idea was supposed to be a way for us to have one last chance to connect. That feels so pathetic in this moment.

“No,” I reply to him. “I mean, yes, I was expecting…no. I mean…” Huffing, I collect my words into a sensible order. “Elizabeth said she was going to invite a few people to help Nevaeh get reacquainted with the beach. I hoped you’d be one of them. In fact, she strongly hinted you would be. And I was planning on trying to get a moment to talk to you. But then I saw all your friends there, and I felt like such a little bitch playing stupid games…”

I sigh and dwindle to a stop, rubbing my forehead and feeling all the fight blow out of me. He looks so gorgeous in a black tank top and denim shorts, his brown skin glistening in the Californian sunshine. He hasn’t got sunglasses on, so I take mine off and squint. It’s worth it to feel like there’s less of a barrier between us.

He folds his arms across his chest, illustrating yet again how much he’s bulked up since we were kids. I just want him to take all those muscles and…

Yeah. Pack that in right now, Ross.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Zahir prompts.

His tone is patient but he’s not exactly opening the door to this conversation with welcoming arms. Which is fair. I have no right to expect anything more from him. I’m lucky he’s being civil at all.

Taking a breath, I attempt to steady my nerves. The rehearsed speech dances on the tip on my tongue, but it all seems to fucking fake now.

“I’m sorry,” I try as a start.

His expression doesn’t change. “You said that last time.”

That’s fair. I nod. “Because it’s true. But last time I didn’t say what I’m sorry for.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “I believe ‘everything’ was your answer to that.”

I roll my eyes and cross my own arms over my chest, mirroring him. “‘Everything’ isn’t wrong. But that’s not taking full accountability like I should. I…Zahir. You were the single most important person in the entire world to me. I had to leave, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I ducked out like a coward because I was a damn kid, and I thought that would spare us both a terrible and painful goodbye. To absolutely nobody’s surprise, that was the worst thing I could have done. I’ve never forgiven myself and…and I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew that.”

He shifts his feet in the blinding sand. “You wanted me to know it was awful? Yeah, Colt. I know that already. I lived it.”

My heart aches. However, I grit my teeth for a second before forging ahead. “No. I want to make sure you know that you didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. You were perfect. I loved…you were my whole world.”

I wince. We never actually said we loved each other out loud. It seemed too big, too heavy, too important to put into words and make official. In fact, I always just assumed he loved me back, but maybe that was wishful thinking. If he did, it’s clearly long over now. He seems to be ignoring my slip-up, though, so I plow on.

“It’s not an excuse for how I treated you, I know that. But my father had my whole life mapped out in stone. There was no deviating from that path. I considered asking you to move to Massachusetts with me a million times, but you were so happy here with your family and…”

He sighs and shakes his head, looking out over the water. “And your parents wanted you married to a socialite to have two children with and living in a house with a white picket fence before you turned thirty-five.”

The truth of his statement hurts. It sounds so pathetic when spoken out loud like that, but the expectations from my parents loomed over me like a monolith back when I was a teenager.

“If it’s any consolation, all I got was the law degree,” I tell him ruefully. I start walking slowly again in the direction we were going before. “No serious girlfriends or proposals or whatever.”

“No kids?” He’s trying to keep it light, but I can tell behind the joke he’s got a hint of concern.

I scoff. “Yeah, I’ve left a trail of illegitimate babies along the East Coast with all those women I didn’t sleep with.”

Even though I’m laughing, he’s still frowning at me. “But you have been dating women, right?”

I’m not sure what he’s getting at. Does he want to make me squirm and suffer? That’s fair but…it’s also not really the Zahir I remember.

“Here and there,” I say warily. “Enough to keep up appearances. But never seriously. I didn’t want to hurt any of those girls. They were all really nice. Funny, smart, ambitious—all wife material in theory. I didn’t have the heart to lead them or my parents on, only to disappoint everyone in the end. Although I guess I’ll have to let Mom and Dad down eventually. I just…I don’t know. I’m a coward who runs away from things for as long as I can, apparently.”

If anything, the frown on his face has gotten deeper. “Why would you disappoint them? You’ve done everything they dreamed for you.”

The laugh that escapes my throat is on the verge of hysterical. “The law half of it, yeah. But now after Dad’s heart attack they want me to take over the family practice much sooner than anticipated so they’re going to be obsessing over the wife and babies half of the legacy relentlessly now and I just don’t think I can do it.”

We’ve stopped walking again. “Commit to a marriage?” Zahir asks. His words are so sad, like he’s losing something new all over. I’m not sure I understand what’s happening.

“Marry a woman,” I explain, even though I thought that was pretty obvious. “Live even more of a lie than I have been my whole life. I couldn’t deceive anyone to that extreme. It would make a mockery out of her life even more than mine. I’m a lot of things, Del, but I’m not that cruel. I promise.”

He blinks, his jaw slack as his chest rises and falls. “But…you’re bisexual?”

For a second, his words simply don’t register. Stupidly, I blurt out a little laugh before I can catch myself. But his horrified look immediately sobers me up again. My mind races over all the time we spent together, attempting to work out why he would think that.

Because that’s essentially what I told him, wasn’t it? What my parents drilled into me. I treated it like an inevitability when I was young because the future seemed so far away, and Zahir was so very much in the present it felt like it was too distant to matter. But I always thought I’d feel different when I ‘grew up,’ and accepted I needed to fit the shape of the American dream.

He took that to mean I was bisexual. That’s what he’s thought, all these years.

Holy fuck…

Does he think he was just a phase? A dalliance? An experiment to satisfy some kind of bi-curiosity?

How…how can I keep discovering that I hurt him even more than I possibly imagined?

“Zahir,” I say, my voice strangled.

I want to reach out and take his hand so badly, but I force myself to hold back. It would be selfish. He needs space right now. As much as I’m desperate to comfort him, I’d also be comforting myself. After causing this terrible mess, my needs must stay firmly on the back burner.

“I’m gay as absolute fuck,” I continue. “I’ve never even properly kissed a woman. It’s why I broke up with them all so quickly or managed better long distance. I’ve been in the closet this entire time. You’re the only real relationship I’ve ever had. That’s why I’m never going to be able to marry a woman. I’m not sure I can ever come out, either, without it destroying my parents. It’s not just our family’s legacy and reputation at stake. They’ve made noises about me going into politics, of thrusting me into the public eye. In their eyes, being gay just doesn’t fit with that. But committing to spend my life with a woman truly would be a complete and utter sham.”

For several moments, we just stare at each other. I can practically see the cogs whirring in his brain. “I thought you left me for…” he utters.

“I just did as I was told,” I tell him. “There’s never been anyone else, Zahir. Not in any way that mattered. I…”

Whatever I was going to say, I catch myself before I do. This isn’t why I wanted to finally have this conversation. The damage I’ve done to the love we once shared is beyond repair. I’m not here for forgiveness or to beg for a second chance or even to give Zahir my blessing to move on with his life. I don’t have the right to do any of that. I simply wanted to set the record straight. Or gay, as it turns out. I’ve done that now.

Without ceremony, I turn on my heels and begin walking back to the group. I’ll give Elizabeth and the kids a hug each, but then I’m leaving without looking back. Zahir Delacroix is still the most important person in the whole world to me, and all I’ve done is cause him pain again and again and again.

“Colt, wait,” he calls from behind me.

Shaking my head, I don’t pause. “I just needed you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong and apologize once more for being the biggest asshole this town has ever seen. I won’t bother you anymore, I promise. You won’t see me again. It was selfish, but I just had to explain myself. And now I’ve made it worse. Who knows? Maybe I’ll grow a backbone and tell my parents I’m a dirty queer. Apparently, that’s acceptable in some parts in this day and age. Perhaps they won’t disown me or drop dead of shock.”

I’m rambling and I know it. But it’s better than turning around and facing Zahir when I’ve just turned his world upside down. Did he really think I’d left him without a second thought? That I’d settled down with a girl I met in college? Pretending like he never existed?

Like we never existed?

It seems so.

Instead, he’s lingered like a ghost in the back of my mind without fail for over fifteen years.

Somehow, this misunderstanding makes my betrayal so much worse.

I want to stop and ask him if he’s happy. I haven’t noticed a wedding ring on his finger, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t with someone special.

The look on his face just now tells me that’s not the case. In my gut, I know that in some way, he clung to the memory of us as well.

It kills me that we can never be together, that I can never make him happy. But I’m not so much of a douchebag that I don’t admit that he absolutely deserves to be happy. I want that for him. I want the very best of everything for him.

Even though that can’t be anything to do with me.

I arrive back at the group before I know it, already opening my mouth to give my excuses. But before I can make an exit, one of the women who isn’t Zahir’s partner props herself up on her elbows where she was sunbathing, grinning up at me.

“Speak of the devil, and he shall appear!” she cries with a mischievous grin. “Or…devils, I should say.”

Zahir stumbles to a halt beside me. “Huh?” I say dumbly.

“Del,” Elizabeth calls out as we step into the shade so we can see everyone clearly. “Your team was just informing me that you’re an accomplished surfer, just like Colt.”

We glance at each other. For a second, my heart pangs knowing that he’s kept up our passion after all this time. It feels like something that will tether us together even when I intend to keep my promise to never see him again.

“Uh, yeah,” Zahir says with a hint of confusion. “It’s great exercise but also kind of like mediation.”

I beam at him. “That’s exactly it,” I say softly.

A little hand grabs mine, and I look down to see Nevaeh swinging between me and Zahir. “Can you teach me, then?” she asks earnestly, practically vibrating with excitement. “Mom’s got me extra swimming lessons. But I bet if I could surf, I’d never be afraid of the ocean again!”

“Uhhh.” I look back up at Zahir before down at Nevaeh again. “You want one of us to teach you?”

“Why not both?” she squeaks innocently. “That way, you can be friends again, like me and Becca. Oh! Can you teach her, too!”

“And me!” Dashel adds, jumping up and down, making the dogs bark.

The moment stretches out. Zahir appears dumbstruck, so I dig deep and pretend like I’m in court. You can’t freeze in court. “Oh, I’d love to, sweetie,” I tell Nevaeh. “But I’m not qualified?—”

A sandy foot kicks my ankle. I whip my head around to see the bikini-clad firefighter smiling fiercely at me. “You know how they charge a fortune for classes on this beach, Mr. Lawyer Man. Help a single mom out, huh?”

“If I supervise, you don’t need special qualifications, right?” Elizabeth chimes in hopefully.

“And Del’s literally a paramedic,” his chirpy partner adds. “What could go wrong?”

This is my fault. I allowed a nice woman with too much on her plate to convince me that this ruse would be worth it to get the chance to talk with Zahir. But it’s all blown up in my face. I’ve made everything worse, and now— now— I can’t let a little girl down or embarrass Zahir in front of his colleagues, especially not when it’s easy to tell they’re also his good friends.

I made this mess. So I’m just going to have to suffer the consequences, no matter how painful they might be for me.

But not for Zahir.

“Sure,” I say, plucking my best smile out of my ass and acting like everything’s just hunky-dory. “I can teach you to surf, and all my coolest tricks, too. But maybe one of the other paramedics can help me?—?”

“I’ll do it,” Zahir blurts out, cutting me off. I turn to look at him and our eyes meet. He nods at me before glancing down at Nevaeh. “Colt and I will train you guys to be the best surfers on the entire beach.”

“YAY!” Nevaeh screams. Then she pulls us both in for a hug, so my face is suddenly inches away from Zahir’s. “This is going to be SO FUN!” she shrieks.

It’s certainly going to be something.