Page 10 of From the Ashes (Redwood Bay Fire #2)

CHAPTER 10

Zahir

“Bye! See you tomorrow!” Yara cries through her open car window. Lili waves back at us as she walks down her garden path toward her house. We already dropped Teddy off after our day at the beach, so now it’s just me and her left. Yara raises her window again to keep the cool air in, then pulls away from the curb, heading to my place.

There’s a very pregnant pause.

“Are you okay?” she eventually asks, her voice quiet and her eyes firmly on the road.

I sigh, not sure how to answer that. “It’s complicated,” I tell her.

She hums and focuses on the road for a minute. “He looked as shocked to see you as you were him.”

“Kind of,” I explain. “He said he was hoping I’d be there so we could talk. It was actually all you guys that threw him off. He was worried about what you might think.”

“Because he’s in the closet?”

I watch the world go by through the window. The sun is setting and the palm trees that line the sidewalks wave merrily in the evening breeze. I would never out anyone no matter how they’ve treated me. But seeing as Yara’s already guessed the situation, it seems pointless to deny it. Especially when I could really do with a sympathetic ear right about now.

“He is still very much in the closet,” I agree. “But I don’t think that’s what he was afraid of. I think he was concerned you guys might work out how much of a dick he was to me when we were kids and think he was trying to manipulate me into something now.”

“And was he?” she asks.

I shake my head. “I really don’t believe he was. He said he just wanted to apologize properly and take responsibility for everything he did. That genuinely meant a lot to me.”

I fall silent then, though. Because as nice as it was for him to take ownership of his past mistakes, somehow learning the full truth has left me even more hollowed out than ever.

How can I have gotten it so wrong? Maybe it was easier to think of what we shared as only a bisexual fling to him. A wild summer to let off steam before going off to college and living the rest of his real life. If that was the case, it made sense to me why I’d be so easy to leave behind and forget about. I convinced myself it hurt less because he hadn’t done it to purposefully shatter me.

There’s never been anyone else, Zahir.

At least I tried dating after he left. But it sounds like his relationships have either been isolated, anonymous hook-ups with men or chaste, only-for show, short-term affairs with women.

“He knows how completely and utterly he broke my heart back then,” I murmur, not looking at my partner as I speak. For the first time in my life, I feel like I want to actually defend Colt and his actions, not simply explain them. I’ve always tried to have empathy for his situation, but thinking about the circumstances of his departure always left me feeling bitter and angry more than anything else.

Now?

I’m not so sure.

I saw the moment he slipped his lawyer mask on this afternoon. When it was just the two of us speaking, he was raw and remorseful. After years of assuming that he walked away from Redwood Bay—from me—and never looked back, I can’t help but feel like he’s regretted the way he treated me and missed me ever since.

Perhaps I did matter to him the way he mattered to me?

Does that make a difference now?

He seemed adamant he was going to remove himself from my life and leave me alone. I thought that’s what I wanted and before today, I would have welcomed it. But everything’s changed. He didn’t ride off into the sunset and get married to a woman. He’s been living half a life all this time, denying who he really is to appease his controlling parents.

It’s obvious he can see that’s kind of crazy. It’s not like they have any power over him now. He doesn’t live under their roof. He isn’t relying on them to pay his college tuition. It’s not like he’s desperate for an inheritance and doesn’t want to be written out of the will.

He just wants them to love him. And he knows that coming out as gay and disappointing them will jeopardize that.

I…I feel sorry for him. After hating and resenting him for so many years, it’s dawned on me today that he’s the one that’s been suffering while I’ve had my family and friends, free to pursue a fulfilling career of my choosing. His life has been dictated to him since birth.

Yet he was still determined to protect me from his presence earlier on the beach when Nevaeh was asking for surfing lessons. He tried to give me an out. Before I could weigh up the pros and cons, I took that option off the table.

I don’t want an out. I want to see him again.

And that scares the absolute shit out of me.

With a jolt, I realize that Yara has stopped the car outside of my place and killed the engine. I turn and look guiltily at her, fully aware that I’ve been zoned out for the last few minutes. If she spoke to me, I didn’t hear it at all. But she gives me a sympathetic smile and squeezes my knee.

“You’re right,” she says gently. “I can see it’s complicated. I guess you have to reevaluate some things, huh?” I nod and rest my hand on top of hers, grateful for her support and understanding. “Just promise me one thing, Del, okay?”

I raise my eyebrows. “What?”

“That you’ll look after yourself, first and foremost,” she says, her tone completely serious. “You’ve said this guy can be manipulative.”

“That’s what I thought,” I say, my words trailing off. I was working with so much misinformation. Things I thought were set in stone are crumbling away like sandcastles as the tide comes in. I’m not sure what to believe anymore.

More than that, I’m scared to hope. What I’ve seen of Colt in the past couple of weeks makes him seem like a good man, who is genuinely ashamed of his past behavior and is trying to do the right thing now in so many ways. I see a brave, caring person who risked his life to save a little girl’s. Someone with a mission to finally tell me the truth, even at the expense of his own happiness and dignity.

There’s just too much I don’t know. Which is why spending more time together in a safe, public environment doesn’t seem too crazy to me. Surely with Elizabeth and the kids around, Colt won’t try anything underhand with me. Anton also said he, Meagan or Brent would be around to watch Rebecca as well, so I’ll be even more insulated from any bullshit Colt might try and pull.

I need time to see which version of Colt is the real one and which is the mask. I need to work out if I can trust him and…

And what? Am I seriously considering letting him back into my life? Being friends? Dating? No, that feels like several steps too far, even for my imagination. But the idea that he didn’t intentionally screw me over and use me back when we were teenagers is alluring. It would be nice to reflect back on those times and not feel like I’d been the world’s biggest fool. If I could trust that what we shared was real and that he’s now sincerely remorseful, I think that could give me some peace.

What do I really have to lose? So long as I keep my guard up and protect my heart like Yara’s asking me to, what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll either get my low opinion of Colton Ross confirmed, in which case I’ll be the same as I ever was. Or I’ll discover that he’s perhaps also been a victim in this situation.

It’s difficult not to be optimistic for the latter. Instead of dwelling on it too long, I smile at my partner and squeeze her hand. “I promise not to let myself get duped. I’ll keep my wits about me when it comes to Colt.”

She exhales and nods, then peeks slyly at me. “I mean…I don’t blame you for being blindsided by him. That man is hawt.”

I drop back my head and laugh. Yara isn’t usually one to talk about crushes or be sexual in any way. I guess that’s Colt’s power, isn’t it? He’s so ridiculously good-looking that he gets away with so much shit other people wouldn’t, and he makes those around him lose their common sense, even if just for a minute.

To think someone like that would hold me up as the standard to which he’s been judging everyone in his life ever since is slightly preposterous, but…that’s what he said. I don’t think anything’s changed much since school, though. Everyone wants him, and it’s flattering to think it’s me he’s chosen over anyone else. It turned my head before.

I can’t allow that to happen this time. It will hurt too much if he leaves again. In fact, I think it’ll break me.

But I have to find out for myself, once and for all. Who is Colton Ross, really? What kind of man has the boy grown into? How does he act when his father isn’t looming over him, controlling his every move and judging his every mistake and indiscretion?

The safest thing would probably to walk away from him and never look back. But I run toward danger for a living. It’s my calling in life. And I’m tired of holding myself back from that life just because a boy broke my heart and made me feel worthless and replaceable so many years ago.

By spending some more time together, I’m taking charge of my destiny. I can gather more information and make an informed decision on how I feel about the past and how that’s going to affect the direction I take in the future. It’s like I’ve been stumbling around in the dark for too long, telling myself truths that might very well turn out to be lies. How can I live an authentic life if it’s built on broken foundations?

So, yes. I’m going into this arrangement with open eyes but also an open mind. Maybe at the end of it all, I’ll still resent Colt and not have it in me to forgive him.

But he said he didn’t want or expect forgiveness.

And I might come out of it seeing why I loved that boy in the first place. It’s possible I’ll be able to reassure myself that my judgement back in school wasn’t completely misplaced.

If I don’t give him a second chance, I think I’ll regret it forever. So long as I don’t let him have any power over me, I should be able to keep myself safe, right?

Realizing I’ve drifted into my thoughts again, I shake myself and lean over to hug Yara. “Thank you for your support.”

She scoffs. “Hey, any time. That’s what I’m here for, partner. Just remember your promise, and we’ll be good.”

“I will,” I assure her.

Finally, I get out of the car and wave her off before heading inside my place. It feels unusually quiet for some reason. Yet again, the urge to paint is overwhelming, but I do the next best thing instead. I find a sketch pad, pencil and eraser, then head out to the back porch to curl up in the armchair as twilight falls around me. My mind wanders as I idly capture snapshots of plants and wildlife, filling the page with little drawings that don’t really mean anything, but help soothe my soul, nonetheless.

The world is beautiful, but if I’m being honest, I know I’ve been hiding myself away from it, too afraid of getting hurt again like I was before. Is that how I want to spend the rest of my days? I doubt it. If I don’t change something now, when will I?

It’s almost like I put everything on pause when Colt left. Now he’s back, I’ve finally pressed the play button once more. I wish I could fast-forward and see how it all turns out, but that’s not how it works. I just have to be patient and trust that I’m doing the right thing. Or at least that I have enough wisdom not to let myself get burned like before.

Either way, this is happening. The two of us are going to give Nevaeh some surfing lessons. Anything beyond that is in fate’s hands now. I just pray whatever transpires, I’m strong enough to survive it.

Because what existed between Colt and I when we were young is still shining brightly. I feel like a moth being drawn to the flame. If I’m not careful, I’ll find myself reduced to a pile of blackened ashes. It’s up to me if I let those ashes go cold.

Or if I rise from them like a phoenix, reborn.