Page 89 of Fortune's Blade

“You wanna understand me? It’s easy. I’m nothing. Nobody. Never was, never will be. There’s no senate seat in my future. There’s not even another step up in power. They say you don’t know when you’re finished as a vamp; I say you do—I do! I feel it here,” he smacked a fist against his chest. “This is as far as I will ever go, as powerful as I’ll ever be.

“And, babe, you are out of my fucking league.”

He started for the door again, determined this time, but so was I. I caught his arm; he shrugged off my hold. So, I caught it again, which only enraged him further.

“See?” he said, turning on me. “I can’t even leave!”

“I don’t understand why you want to,” I said, in genuine bewilderment. “Do you think I care about how strong you are? Strength never helped me—it imprisoned me! It isn’t everything—”

“Then let’s talk family. You’re a Basarab—and before you tell me that don’t matter, it isn’t up to you! It matters to everyone else! You know why nobody raised a fuss when Louis-Cesare married a dhampir? A senator and a dueling champion, the one-time golden boy of the European Senate, teaming up with an outcaste who isn’t even supposed to exist? But did you hear a peep out of anybody?

“No, ‘cause she wasn’t just a dhampir. She was a Basarab. And they do whatever the hell they want!”

“Good, then I want you.” I reached for him, but he danced back out of the way.

“No! Goddamn it! This isn’t love, it’s trauma bonding! We’ve been through hell together, but I am not a freaking teddy bear!”

“I never said you were—”

“You didn’t have to say it. I can feel it radiating off you, see it in your mind, taste it on your lips. You want comfort, security, somebody familiar, and who can blame you? You’re scared—”

“Scared of what?” I demanded, bristling. “I’m not scared!”

“Like hell you’re not.” The blue eyes met mine head on. “Not scared of Faerie like most people would be, no, but scared of yourself. Of this new existence you suddenly have and don’t know how to handle. Everything was simple before: wake up, kill a few enemies, prowl around a little, go back to sleep. It wasn’t much of a life, but it was easy.

“This isn’t. And in ain’t gonna get any easier.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I glared at him.

“Yeah, I think you don’t know that. I think you don’t know anything, ‘cause you might be five hundred years old, but in a real sense, you’re a baby. A drunk baby who’s scared and wants someone to cling to—”

“That isn’t what this is!”

“—but you won’t always feel like this and I can’t—”

He stopped abruptly, swallowing, and then came closer to take me by the shoulders, breathing hard. That was two master level vampires I had reduced to that in a single day. I should feel proud, I thought, and wanted to cry again.

“Look, I’m not leaving, okay?” Ray said. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m your Second, and I’m proud of that; I always will be. But you gotta understand: that’s all I’m gonna be.”

“Why?”

It was a simple question, but I still hadn’t gotten an answer. He had danced all around it, but while everything he’d said were answers, they weren’t the answer. And we both knew it.

Ray shook his head. “I never can get around you, can I?”

“Then maybe stop trying.”

He took my face in his hands, and let our foreheads touch. “You’re out of my league,” he whispered again. “In basically every single way. And one of these days, you’re gonna realize it. And I . . . can’t do this. I can’t have everything I ever wanted, then have it snatched away. Or worse, have you stay because you can’t bear to hurt me, and end up in another trap you can’t get out of. I won’t imprison you like that. I won’t.”

I took a moment to absorb that.

I decided it was bull crap.

“Mircea always did this,” I told him steadily. “Always made my decisions for me. I didn’t think you’d do the same.”

Ray reared back as if I’d slapped him. “That was a low blow.”

“But it’s true.” I searched his features, and they were so dear to me. And so maddening. It was as well that he had joined the family; he was as stubborn as a Basarab when he wanted to be. “If I’m not adult enough to know what I want by now, when will I be?”