Page 9 of Forsaking His Mate (The Wolves of Black Mountain #1)

Chapter 9

Abel

I sleep like shit for the next few days as I try to ignore Tessa and keep my distance.

Leaving the sanctuary would be the best option. Creating distance between us would make that gnawing pain in my gut lessen, but the thought of leaving her here without me makes me sick to my stomach.

Tessa isn’t safe, not entirely. There are hunters still searching for her, wolves who want her dead.

I don’t trust anyone when it comes to my mate, so leaving isn’t an option.

But that constant ache in my body is getting worse as each day passes. The rejection is destroying us both, chipping away at us piece by piece.

I try to ignore it, try to focus on keeping busy, but it’s there, a poison spreading through every cell in my body.

Mates who don’t maintain the mating bond wither away. Some die, some are driven to madness. I can already feel her sadness, her pain growing each day.

My wolf wants me to go to her, to fix this, but I can’t.

How can I subject her to my rage every month on the full moon?

What if it is triggered again when we’re making love?

I nearly killed her when the moon sickness came over me. I won’t become my father.

I won’t kill my mate as he did his.

I left my pack to keep those around me safe. It killed me to do it, but it was the right decision. How could I possibly sit among people I cared about, knowing I am a bomb waiting to go off?

The bond tugs at me and I’m suddenly aware of her presence.

I lift my gaze from the grocery bags I was unloading and see her in the distance and stare out of the kitchen window.

She’s walking from her cabin toward the lake.

I’ve noticed she spends a lot of time there, as much as she can anyway now that the weather is turning colder.I wonder if it brings her the peace I stole from her when I rejected her.

My heart thuds and the desire to go to her nearly has my feet moving. I force myself to remain still even as my wolf whines. He doesn’t care that I might kill her. He just wants me to soothe his mate.

I want that too.

“If you were going to reject her again you should never have marked her as yours.” Hester’s voice from behind me has me twisting. I don’t miss the judgment in her tone.

I deserve that and more .

She’s right. I should never have given Tessa the mark. I should never have cemented the mating bond either.

“I never intended to do that,” I say, my voice defensive.

“But you did, Abel, and now she’s yours and you’re not interested. It’s cruel.”

I am interested, and that’s the problem. I feel her in my head all the time, and unlike my old pack bond, she can’t be silenced. I wouldn’t silence her even if I could; there’s something comforting about her presence in my mind.

“What do you want me to do?” I demand. “I nearly killed her, Hester.”

She shakes her head as she steps into my space, rummaging in the bag of groceries in front of me. “You were already calming down when I got there. She did that. Tessa.”

I stare at the bags littering the counter.

Every week, I drive to Laurel Falls and get groceries and supplies for the girls. Leaving the sanctuary is risky for them. Their tau blood is a beacon to any hunters who may be in the area and I suspect the ones we killed will not be the last to come here.

I’d disposed of them and covered their trail, but it is only a matter of time before more hunters come to find their missing friends. I don’t want them to find any scent but mine. They will not care about a lone wolf roaming the mountains and woods.

“You’re a stubborn asshole, Abel. She’s hurting.”

My chest aches at her words, because they're true. Tessa is hurting and I want to protect her from that pain.

“If I end up killing her, how much do you think that’s going to hurt us both?” I snap.

“She’s made for you. She brought you out of that feral state with just the mating bond. I’ve never heard of that happening.”

I haven’t either. It certainly hadn’t worked for my mother. “You think her magic helped?” I ask.

“I think the universe gave her to you for a reason, Abel. I know you’re scared, but she was made for you.”

I let my gaze drift back to the window as Tessa disappears from my sight.

The panic that shoots through my chest has me gripping the counter top. It’s only the fact I can feel her in my mind that stops me from freaking the fuck out.

“I’m scared,” I admit.

Hester turns to me and gives me a warm smile. “I’d be worried if you weren’t.”

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Wanting to is the first step.”

I rub my chest. “I can feel the suffering she’s going through.”

“The mating bond needs to be nurtured,” she says. “You know that.”

I do, but how do I do that without risking her life?

How do I leave her in this much pain?

How do I ignore my own agony too?

I wince. “This is for the best,” I say, but even as I speak the words, they seem hollow.

“You think this is better than working through the moon sickness with the one person who has been able to control you?”

“The spells you cast work fine,” I mutter.

“What if I’m not here, Abel, and you’re triggered again? You think you’re a danger to her, but the truth is you’re more dangerous without her.”

Those words hit me like a wrecking ball, because she’s right. Even now, despite the anger thrumming through the bond, I feel calmer than I ever have and I know that is because of her presence inside me.

I can deny it all I want, but my wolf feels more settled than ever before. I am more in control of the animal that shares my consciousness and I know that is because of the mating bond.

“You truly believe that?” I ask.

Hester nods. “I don’t know how fated bonds work, Abel, but I do know that whatever magic ties us to our mates is rarely wrong. She was made yours for a reason. Going against your bond won’t end well for either of you. Do you really want to watch her fade away slowly and painfully? Because that’s what you’re condemning her, and yourself, to.”

My heart clamps so tightly my breath catches in my throat. “Fuck,” I mutter. “I thought I was saving her.”

“Not like this. This isn’t how you save her.”

I close my eyes, squeezing them shut, and focus on the bond between us. It is the first time I have allowed it to flow freely, without keeping it subdued so I could breathe without feeling her torment.

As soon as I open it, I stagger. There’s so much pain coming from her.

Fuck, I can’t draw air into my lungs.

My wolf howls, pawing at the ground, but I can’t help him either. This is unbearable. How the fuck could I subject her to this agony? My insides crumble.

Hester reaches out to steady me. “You okay?” she asks .

I pull free of her hold, staggering as I do. “I’ve got to talk to her.”

I stumble out of the backdoor and into the cold.

With our bond fully open, I can feel her clearly now, and even if I didn’t know she was at the lake, I would be drawn in that direction anyway.

As I get closer, I can sense more of her and it feels as if my head is swimming with the need to have her.

I know the moment she knows I’m here—a feeling of anger mixed with upset that pushes down the bond.

It makes the air catch in my throat.

Tessa keeps her eyes on the lake, her chin buried in the scarf that’s wrapped around her neck. I know the mating mark I gave her is beneath it and I wonder if she purposely covered it up.

“Go away,” she says, the bitterness unmistakable in her tone. I don’t blame her for it. I deserve it.

I swallow down my emotions, feeling her pain mixed with my own. It’s almost overwhelming.

“Would it help if I told you I’m sorry?”

She doesn’t look at me, her eyes locked on the lapping waters of the lake. “Not even a little bit.”

I blow out a breath as my wolf whines, wanting her to accept us, but I know I can’t fix this in one conversation. I have to get her to trust me again.

“Tessa, I’m sorry. I thought what I was doing was for the best—”

Tessa’s head snaps around. “You can’t undo what you’ve done.” She thumps her fist over her chest. “You can’t fix the pain in here.”

An ugly feeling spreads through me, one that tells me I might have lost her and that realization has my stomach twisting.

Tears fill her eyes and my veins fill with acid.

“I want to try.”

Mine.

She’s mine. This close to her, my need for her is flaring wildly. I want her, just as I did in the cabin when I marked her as mine.

I want to push her down and plunge into her tight pussy. I want to show her I own her, but I hold still because I can sense the rage rolling off her in thick waves.

Tessa laughs at my words, but there is no lightness in it. It is filled with misery. “I’m not a toy you get to take out of the box when you want to play.”

“I know that—”

“Leave me alone, Abel.”

She pushes to her feet and storms past me. I watch as she crosses toward her cabin.

Fuck.

Scrubbing a hand across my face, I know I have to push this if I’m ever going to have a chance with her.

I stalk after her, my heart racing, my thoughts jumbled.

I twist the handle and it doesn’t open when I shove it. She’s locked me out.

I close my eyes and lean my head against the frame, knowing she’s on the other side of the wood, but out of my grasp.

I want to tear it off its hinges, but I force calm into my body and return to my cabin.

Over the next week, I do everything I can to show Tessa I’ve changed. I go to the main house for meals, even though it hurts to be so close to her without having her.

She studiously ignores me, even when I talk to her directly. I don’t blame her cold shoulder, especially when I see the bruises on her throat as well as the claiming mark.

I try not to doubt Hester’s assertion that we’re meant to be together, but when I see those marks, it’s hard to focus on that fact. I would rather die than hurt her.

On the third night after dinner, after ignoring me the entire evening, she gets her jacket, shrugging into it.

I grab mine too and she narrows her eyes at me. “What are you doing?”

I don’t usually leave with her, but as winter draws closer it’s dark outside early and I don’t want her trailing across the sanctuary alone.

Roux and Apryle exchange glances, but Hester watches me intently, waiting to see what I’ll do, no doubt.

“I’m walking you home,” I say.

Tessa’s mouth opens a little before she shakes her head. “No. Absolutely not.”

I grit my teeth. I had no idea how stubborn my little mate could be until I pissed her off. “Have you forgotten you’re still being hunted?”

Her arms fold over her chest and I like how haughty she looks. “They’re hunting all of us, not just me.”

“Yeah, but you’re mine, Tess.” I step toward her even as she narrows her eyes at me.

“You think that for the moment, but when the next moon hits and you’re taken by the sickness, you’ll just reject me again.”

I step closer, closing the space between us, and press my forehead to hers. She flinches, but doesn’t pull away, and I take that as a good sign.

“I hurt you. I understand that, but I thought I was protecting you.”

“This isn’t protection, Abel,” she says. “This is torture. I yearn for you, but I won’t let you hurt me again.”

“I won’t,” I promise.

She steps back, finally seeming to snap out of the daze that comes between us when we’re together like this. I feel her loss keenly, my wolf too.

“I can’t.”

“Yeah, you can,” Hester says.

Tessa snaps her eyes toward her. “I know you’re taking his side because you’ve known him longer, but—”

She cuts her off mid-rant. “I don’t care about sides. I care that you two being apart like this is going to destroy you both. Maybe not right away, but eventually you’ll both be nothing but empty shells, lamenting over a past you lost. Abel did what he did because he wanted to keep you safe, Tessa. You didn’t see him when he first came here. He was staying in Laurel Falls. I thought he was a hunter at first, but I quickly realized his wolf was damaged, something hunters would never allow in their ranks.”

“Hester,” I say her name softly, urging her to stop, but she shakes her head.

“She needs to hear this.” Hester turns to Tessa. I can’t read her expression, but I can feel her emotions softening down the bond. “Of course, he was going to reject you, Tessa. How could he be with you when he saw what his father did to his mother?”

The bond flares with emotion, but Tessa’s face remains resolute.

“Everyone out,” I say.

Roux glances at Tessa, who blows out a breath. “I’ll be okay.”

I want to assure her that she will. I’m not going to hurt her. Not ever. Apryle is the last to leave her seat. “No blood on the floors. It’s a bitch to clean up,” she says before she leaves.

Once we’re alone, Tessa glares at me. “Say what you have to say so we can get this over with.”

She’s not going to make this easy for me, and I don’t blame her for that. “Hester finding me at the time felt like divine intervention, but I realize now that she had to find me because she was also going to find you.”

Tessa’s mouth pulls tight as she listens to my words. I can feel her annoyance down the bond, but I dampen it so I can focus on my words and not her emotions.

“When I ran from my pack, I was terrified of what I was, of what I could become. I nearly hurt people because I didn’t know how to control it. I was terrified of the next full moon coming because I knew there was every chance I would kill anyone in my way. I tried to get help from witches I knew in the area, but no one would.”

“Witches and wolves don’t mix,” she agrees.

It’s no secret the two are not friendly. Witches despise our kind. “I was desperate. One witch told me there was a witch-wolf hybrid out here that might be able to help. I came this way, hoping to find her. It was a race against the clock.

That first month, I managed to confine myself, but I nearly escaped in my feral state. So, I searched harder, but it was Hester who found me. She’d seen me in a vision .

She saved my life, but I knew I could never be trusted around anyone again.”

I blow out a breath as her expression softens. “I knew I would never risk a mate dying at my hands. I couldn’t do it. I would rather die myself. How can I ever be your mate if I’m flawed like this?”

“Abel…” she says my name softly, her eyes gentle as she takes me in.

“I never expected to find my fated mate.” It’s not rare, but it doesn’t happen for every wolf either. Some choose to imprint instead, taking partners they care for and severing any future ties to their fated mate.

“I didn’t either,” she admits, “but I was ready to give it a chance, to work through everything and find solutions. You didn’t even give us a shot.”

I didn’t. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”I close my eyes, knowing I need to give her the truth, that only that will save us. “Moon sickness is something that runs in my family. All males are afflicted with it. Most went mad, some managed to bind it using magic, but my father—” I break off, my chest suddenly aching. “He thought he could control it. He thought his love for my mother was enough.”

It hadn’t been. The mate bond and the depth of their love for each other had been no match for the feral anger inside him.

“What happened?”

“He lost his mind, Tessa. He’d partly shifted, his claws and teeth ripping her apart like she was nothing to him.” The horror on Tessa’s face should stop my words from spilling from my mouth, but now that I’ve started, I can’t stop talking. The numbness I always feel when I talk about the past spreads through me, leaving an unpleasant feeling in its wake. “I tried to stop him. I did everything I could, but I was no match for him. He was stronger, harder, and unreachable. It took several pack members to stop him.” I pause. “And they stopped him permanently. I lost both my parents that night.”

“Oh, Abel.” Tessa reaches out to take my hand, and the comfort I feel from her small palm in mine is surprising. “You’re not your father.”

“No, but I couldn’t risk that I might be. When I felt the mating bond, I was terrified. The sanctuary was supposed to be safe, somewhere I was guaranteed never to come across a mate. I didn’t think tau wolves could join with full-blooded wolves, and neither did Hester.”

“And I screwed that up.” Her smile is wry.

“No, baby, you didn’t screw anything up. I did. I should have talked to you. I should have explained my fears rather than reject you the way I did. I was terrified that I’d hurt you or worse, kill you. I couldn’t risk it.”

“If you’d explained this, I would have understood,” she says, a hint of criticism in her tone. “I wouldn’t have stopped fighting for us, though.”

I drop to my knees in front of her, my hands wrapping around her hips as I press my head against her stomach. “I will spend a lifetime making this up to you,” I tell her, meaning every word of it. “Please, forgive me.”

She doesn’t say anything for so long that my chest tightens.

And then, she surprises me by urging me to my feet and pressing a kiss to my mouth. My wolf is content as I capture her lips, and I want to fuck her right here, mark her again. My mouth moves to her neck, kissing over the claiming mark, my tongue licking over it. She whimpers against me, the vibration of her throat purring against the surface.

“Abel…”

The sense of contentedness that washes through me is indescribable. I nuzzle her throat before I pull back and meet her gaze.

I smile. “I need you.”

“And you have me,” she says.

Mine .

She’s mine, and nothing is going to take her from me again, not even myself.