Page 20 of Forever Not Yours (Square Mile Rogues #1)

“ I n a couple of weeks, when I’m not this tired…” I started, pausing to take another mouthful of food. “I’m going to be in charge for a whole weekend. You’ve had your fun now, and I think you owe me.”

“I do?” He grinned. Handsome bastard. That scruffy face. Twinkling eyes. Those lips on that filthy mouth of his. He’d showered now, so was once again clean and smelled of soap. All smiles.

“Yup. We deserve a break, so I have plans.”

“Oh, do you now?”

He sounded like my dad. I didn’t think he’d mind that. Bloody Jake of all people.

“How are you feeling?” I asked with a wink.

“I’m still in charge here,” he said sternly. “You know this.”

“It’s only one weekend,” I retaliated. “I’m going to take you out.”

He raised an eyebrow, and I just laughed. Burnt out, my arse. Well, I was. I still couldn’t sleep more than two hours straight without waking up thinking I was having a heart attack. My blood sugars were still rampantly fucking with me. The new pump was easier to dose up and screeched like a banshee if I forgot. So yeah. Probably a better fit, I agreed with my doctor there.

But this? This right here? I had no complaints. My mum had joked that I had stepped back in time and become twenty-something Bastien again. She said I was like the old me, and that pulling the plug on everything else had been a good decision. Maybe that was what I’d done—pulled the plug on the old Bastien. Maybe I was trying to erase the last year of my life, which even thinking about it gave me stomach aches.

“I spoke to Juliet today,” he said, putting his fork down and watching me. Gauging my reaction, no doubt. “She seemed fine. Less erratic.”

“Juliet is never erratic. Just a little frazzled by all of this.”

“She’s still absolutely distraught. Let’s not belittle that.”

“I know. It’s going to be like this for a while,” I admitted quietly. He was right. He always was. However much I tried to pretend things were fine between Juliet and me, they weren’t. Perhaps they never would be.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked instead, hopefully changing the subject for now.

“Shoot.” He took another mouthful of food. Nice food. Posh salad. Seared chicken and stuff.

“Why are you like this? ”

He chewed. Swallowed. Grinned.

“Like this?” he repeated.

“You know what I mean.”

He smiled knowingly into his plate.

“I’m not ashamed, and I have zero qualms about what I do. It’s what turns me on, and what I like.”

“I know that, but come on. That’s not what I’m asking.”

He looked a bit dumbfounded by my question. Or maybe it was because I was suddenly using all these words. I couldn’t explain that. It was just easy with him, though I still couldn’t control my stupid body or make sense of why I reacted to him the way I did. Why I’d reacted to other men in the past. How it all went together with who I was on the inside. I didn’t understand that at all.

“Bastien, I’ve always known I was gay, even long before uni. It’s always been a part of me, as natural as getting up in the morning. Breathing. Going to sleep at night. It was always boys. Men. Then I had a type.”

“Me.” I grinned.

“Absolutely. Blondes. Smaller build. Perfect arses. ”

We both smiled. This? This was lovely. Just him and me. Two glasses of white wine and now empty plates between us.

“You know what it’s like in your teens. You watch stuff, and hear others talk. The web is full of confusing advice, and porn? God, I watched some dreadful stuff. It didn’t do much for me, and I spent years thinking I was, like, the worst gay in the world. Like I wasn’t into any of the stuff I was supposed to be into.”

“I know the feeling,” I admitted.

“I ended up in this club one night, with this guy I was hooking up with. And there was this couple fucking in a corner, and the top was just…you know? Not my type at all. Big and burly with leather trousers, and he was fucking this other guy, who was just taking it. And he was loving it. Every bloody thrust, the way the guy was just pounding him. And I didn’t understand what it was, but something clicked in me. That it didn’t have to be a certain way. That there were other ways of…I don’t know. Having sex.”

I hummed in agreement. He was right .

“Why did we never sit and talk like this at uni? We were forever watching films and gaming and drinking, and… If we’d just sat down and shared stuff…”

“Too young. Immature. I wouldn’t have been ready. I figured all this stuff out way later.”

“Me too.” So many secrets, so many things I never managed to vocalise, were now suddenly so easy to say. Even out loud.

“Anyway, I ended up cornering the guy in the club and rambling out some drunk incoherent crap about having failed as a gay man and not understanding shit and how the hell did you get someone to let you do that to them? I mean, he could’ve just laughed in my face. But he didn’t. He gave me his number and invited me round the next weekend and let me fuck his boyfriend while he smoked and watched.”

“Jake!” I shrieked in all kinds of second-hand embarrassment. “You didn’t!”

“I did. And I did it again. He taught me how to spank, how to fuck, how to hogtie someone, how to use a sex swing…”

“Fisting?” I rolled my eyes .

“Nah, that was Carl, years later. Little twinkly type but was thirty-five and worked in accounting. Loved anything up his arse. Also bossy as anything and made me work for it. It was good, though. I mastered that skill in a few sessions and then he moved on.”

“You never saw him again?”

“Nah. Too much hard work. Not for me.”

“Says the guy who…” I had to stop myself. I wasn’t ready to say that bit out loud.

“The guy who loves you doesn’t ever think you’re hard work. Not even when you’re being especially bratty and horrible and drink too much and dance on bars and get women to hobby-tattoo their numbers onto your arms.”

“Wasn’t like that.” I pouted.

“It was. But I’ve forgiven you for that. Now, this weekend. We’re not going to go clubbing, are we?”

“My lips are sealed.” I laughed.

“You can’t keep a secret to save your life.”

He removed our plates and put them on the side, while I did my bit and wiped down the kitchen island and put the stools away. We never usually sat here to eat, but it had been a nice change from the sofa. Like we were on some kind of date. Almost.

“Want to watch TV?” he suggested, washing his hands by the sink.

“Tired,” I moaned, which I was, but this had been a good day. A productive one.

“Want me to tuck you in?” He winked. I still didn’t understand how he did these things to me. Just a small pull of a muscle and I was blushing and adjusting my dick in my joggers. And Flossie was yapping around my feet. Oh, yes. Because I was standing in front of the fridge.

“Fridge tax.” He smiled, walking away.

“Spoilt princess,” I muttered, giving her what she craved. She wagged her little tail and wandered off, having swallowed my cheese offering in one bite. I went to brush my teeth.

I still didn’t have all of this figured out, not with him. In this flat. Home. It felt like it, and that in itself was mega weird. I had my side of the bed, and he had his. The extra pillows I’d brought were stacked up against the headboard on my side; his two were half on the floor. He never made the bed. I did .

I plumped those pillows up and straightened the duvet. Then he appeared, still clothed, and threw himself on top of it diagonally, ruining all my hard work.

“Oi,” I complained, trying to get in on my side.

“Bedtime,” he mumbled and elbowed his way over to me. Laid his head on my chest. Snuggled up. “Need to put you to bed.”

“Gonna read me a bedtime story?”

“Nah.” He smiled. “But…you know, we were talking and it hit me, that perhaps I’m not very affectionate. I don’t do enough of…you know. This. Showing you how much I love you. Fucking is one thing, but you need to know that that’s not all this is. I actually…I think I need this part too. Just sometimes being close to you.”

“I feel that when we talk,” I admitted. “Like earlier. It does something to me, and I like it. I feel like, even after all these years, this is…new. Like I’m just getting to know you.”

He stroked my cheek. Cupped my chin, the way he did. Then he leant up and kissed me. Truly kissed me. A toe-curling one, and I actually flexed my feet right there under the duvet.

“You need to sleep better, and I’m still trying to figure out how to help you do that. Perhaps I should start giving you a blow job before bed. Suck you to sleep.”

“Dirty boy. Messy stuff. I like a clean bed.”

“I know you do. I’d swallow. Clean you up afterwards.”

I had to laugh, because he…well. Maybe he would.

“Is that your thing?”

“Usually not.” He kissed me again. “But with you? Maybe I need to try some new tricks.”

“Do you bottom?” I probably knew the answer to that one, confirmed by his up-close grimace. It made me laugh, because yeah.

“Nope.”

“Not your thing?”

“Never wanted to, never tried, never will. It’s just who I am.”

“I get that,” I said. “I mean, I’ve fucked enough girls to have tried all of that. I don’t think I’d even be able to get it up if you told me to fuck you.”

“Then we won’t. I’d never ask that of you. And whatever I tell you to do, you can always say red. That will always apply.”

“Here is bossy Jake again.”

“You love bossy Jake.”

“Maybe I do.”

I did. I did love him. I just didn’t know how to tell him. So I kissed him instead. Wrapped him up in my arms and held him. Breathed into his hair, stroked his neck. The small hairs. The rise and dip along his spine. The clean smell of his skin.

“Go to sleep, Bastien. I’m right here.”

He was. And I did.

The days passed, and autumn seemed to fly by. My walks with Flossie now required a jacket, and the daylight disappearing earlier and earlier outside the balcony windows meant I had to get up and put the light on in the afternoons. Also? Faye. Where the hell had she been all my life? And why had I never actually utilised my interns properly? I’d always insisted on doing everything myself, only distributing menial tasks to the people who were actually more qualified to do things than I was. I had no idea how to work these new software systems that Faye had introduced me to, and she was slowly learning her way around my calculations. The way around my brain. It was terrifying, yet I was finally learning how to slow down. How to let go and actually allow myself to enjoy the work we were doing.

I’d even got Kieron off my back, letting Faye sit in on the morning meetings and relieving me of the stress those usually brought. It also gave Juliet the time she needed, I understood that now. More than anything, I was starting to understand what I’d put her through. How I’d pushed and pulled and gaslit her, when all she’d done was try to give me what I thought I wanted. When I hadn’t had a clue what I wanted.

This weird new life Jake and I were crafting? It was lovely. Simple. So straightforward, when in reality it shouldn’t have been. He was working maybe a little too much, but it gave me time. Peace. Everything he knew I needed. Perhaps I missed him a little during the days I spent on the sofa, but I had started going out, the gym once again becoming part of my day, and Faye and I had nabbed another contract, and for once, I couldn’t take the credit. She’d done as much hard work as I had.

“Have you found me a man yet?” she started our afternoon meeting with, same every time, accompanied by a wink from the screen in front of me.

“Nope.” I laughed. “I’m a very discerning man, and only the best will be presented to you, Ms Michaels. Patience is key here. Let me do my research, and the right man will be found, I guarantee you that.”

“Bullshit, Bash.” She shook her head and laughed. Yes, it was bullshit. I didn’t know anyone who I would recommend as boyfriend material, let alone someone I would subject Faye to. The office was full of guys who needed a good… I almost burst out laughing.

“I was just thinking, half the guys in our office could do with a good spanking.”

“Tell me about it. That Oliver? He tried to chat up the delivery guy on Monday, I forgot to tell you. Swarming all over him, hand on his hip. The poor guy was backing into the lift looking terrified, and finally Kiki took charge and dragged Oliver away. The drama! I keep wondering if this is truly a professional office or some kind of Big Brother house with cameras hidden in the ceiling panels.”

“No cameras,” I assured her. “I’m one of the health and safety representatives, and I have actually been up in those ceiling panels, and all that is there is sprinkler systems, wires and a shedload of bloody dust.”

“I’ll trust you on that one.”

“Although the bank on the tenth floor had an incident where someone put a camera behind the mirror in the women’s bathroom. I don’t think they ever caught whoever put it in there, but at least they got it out.”

“Scary.” She snorted. “Idiots. All they’d get would be a load of girls applying lipstick and brushing their hair. What do they think we actually do in front of mirrors in public bathrooms? Get our boobs out and snog?”

“What do I know? All I know is that in the men’s room—”

“I don’t want to know,” she huffed. “But anyway. How’s Jake?”

“Jake?” We usually didn’t talk about Jake.

“He’s your partner? I think it’s just nice to mention that. Show a bit of interest.”

“Says who?”

Defensive again. I had no idea why I was like this. Why it was so difficult for me to get rid of that enormous lump in my chest. The one that was suddenly threatening to suffocate me.

“Bash, don’t do this. Not to me, and mostly not to yourself. Do you think I would ever say something? That I have those kinds of prejudices? You mentioned him. You live with him, no?”

“Yes,” I almost whispered.

“So, you’re roommates. Like children.” She was being sarcastic, and I actually laughed.

“We lived together at uni. He’s…”

I didn’t know how to say it. And then…I didn’t know how to not say it. Because Jake…

“He’s everything.”

“That’s lovely,” she said, staring right at me. “Does he make you happy? ”

What did you answer to that? I nodded, right back to being no-words Bastien. I hated it. Fuck him.

“I love him,” came out of my mouth. “And I don’t understand shit, and half of the time I wonder if I’ve completely lost my mind or if I’m just imagining things that are not there, but you know? I go to bed at night, and all I can think is that he’s right there next to me and that maybe this is what it’s all about. Being…you know. Calm. Happy…”

“Loved.” She finished off my sentence. “That’s what it’s like when someone loves you. You’re lucky, Bash. So bloody lucky. Not many people get to have what you have right there, so stop with the insecurities. Just enjoy it, because you should. You should be loud and proud and shout it from the rooftops. I would if I had someone who made me smile the way you just did, that really gut-punchingly sickening smile? I want to throw up. Right here.”

I had to laugh, because I got that. And I hoped she wasn’t about to hurl her lunch all over my desk.

“I like my desk. I intend to return to it, very soon. I don’t expect it to be covered in your bodily fluids,” I sassed. “You may think you’re stealing my job, but I’ll have you back making me smoothies in no time. Know your place, young lady.”

“Oh, fuck off.” She laughed. “Now. Let’s go through these calculations and pray I’ve done it right, because we need to submit them before five, and I don’t want Juliet to haul my arse in front of everyone tomorrow morning if we don’t get this done on time.”

“Then let’s do this.”

“And Bash?” She once again stared at me, her eyes all smiley.

“What?”

“Go tell Jake you love him.”

Seriously, Faye? I wanted to once again hurl sassy remarks at her, tell her to wind her neck in and not be so nosy.

“I’ve…never told anyone…like…about him. I mean, my parents kind of suspect, I think, but they just want me to be happy. Anyway.”

“Bash, listen.”

I did. I shut up. What was it with me and all this talking?

“Bash, I’m honoured. And not only that, but I am also incredibly proud of you. We may not have known each other for a long time, but I’m really grateful that I got assigned to you and I get to work with you, and I hope you know that. And I meant what I said. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.”

Maybe I did. Trust her. And maybe this would all be all right. For real.

“One day, I’ll find you that man,” I promised.

“Bash,” she said softly. “I won’t actually hold you to that one, because I think you’ve already given me so much here. You’ve given me friendship. A listening ear. Someone to have a laugh with. And on top of that, you’ve taught me an awful lot about how to calculate investment tax.”

“A handy skill to have.” I was getting a little emotional. “Thank you…for telling me that.”

“I mean it. But anyway, let’s smash this analytics graph and get this day closed up. Then you can go all mushy on me later and help me get some new key phrases in for why Juliet should employ me full time. Help me outline my skills and strengths. Weaknesses? I have none. Remember that.”

“You’re perfect.” I grinned.

“Of course I am. Just look at this graph!”

I did, and I smiled. And for once, I didn’t question why.