Page 18 of Forever Not Yours (Square Mile Rogues #1)

I still didn’t sleep, because my body didn’t work like that, but I got up and made myself a cup of tea, then watched the sun creep over the horizon with Flossie on my lap and sorted things out on my phone. Changed addresses. Moved accounts. Drank another cup of tea.

Booked Flossie in for her jabs. It was fascinating how much you could get done at the crack of dawn if you put your mind to it.

Maybe I should change to decaf, but that would make me feel like an old man. Like my dad, who once again texted me with his concerns about the stock market, his blood pressure, Mum’s blood pressure and…yes, what was mine like? Had I checked? Then, of course, he asked me how I was doing, and had I dosed up my pump? My fault for admitting to my shortcomings when I’d texted him last night.

My parents cared. Of course they did, but at some point, I’d stopped caring myself, caring about how I felt instead of living for others all the time. Because I think I did. I behaved the way others expected me to behave, and I let others piss all over me with a smile on my face. Like bloody Kieran, who had texted me asking what the fuck I was playing at, missing the team meeting two days in a row.

It was eight o clock. How had I missed that ?

And now Jake was stumbling out of the bedroom, all messy hair and scruffy chin, bare-chested and gorgeous.

I blushed even thinking that. That I was allowed to think that. Maybe I was.

“Morning,” I said cheerily.

“You’re still here?”

“Where else would I be?”

He was messing with me, I got that. And then he walked towards me and leaned over on the sofa, planting messy morning-breath kisses all over my face, fisting the hair on the back of my head, exposing my neck to his mouth, then sucking at my skin like some goddamn vampire.

Idiot.

“Gotta go in early, catch up on the appointments I missed yesterday. James on reception is on the warpath because I haven’t submitted my diary either, so I’m going to be snowed under today.”

“I’ll behave,” I snarked.

“You will. But, Bastien?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me. If you need me, I’m here, okay? You’re the most important thing, and everything else can wait.”

“I know.” Weirdly, I did.

He left me, right there on the sofa, and I somehow got myself together. All these things I’d dreaded, I’d decided to face. Finally. I needed this, some time to take control and resume my life, on my terms. Being me, not someone else’s idea of who Bastien Dewaert should be.

Ha-ha, who was I kidding? I lived with Jake, who was the boss of the boss people out there. He made the rules—and made me do things. Like me allowing him to stick his bloody gloved fingers up my arse.

I wondered what else he had stashed in those drawers but knew better than to look. Hell, no. Just thinking about it made me horny. I tucked those thoughts away, because I had things to do, people to see, tasks to complete. Also, the not knowing what was next part? That turned me on more than I wanted to admit. I loved that he sprang things on me without me having to ask. That he instinctively seemed to know what would turn me on. And yeah. I came. Like proper, came .

I put some clothes on, leaving the suit slung on the chair by the door—workout gear it was—and grabbed my car fob. Drove on automatic all the way to the office, parking the car in its usual space. Then I just sat there, breathing, hoping I was doing the right thing.

Perhaps I was a chicken not asking to meet Juliet in private, away from the office, and I refused to do this over the phone, hiding behind a screen. This was me. And Juliet. Who deserved better than that.

My legs walked, reluctantly, but they did, ignoring the good mornings and snarky good afternoons from colleagues as I made my way towards Juliet’s office, hoping she’d be in.

I knew her schedule. Of course she was in. A rap at the door and I entered, and she didn’t even have the decency to look surprised. She just leant back in her chair and sighed.

“Bash.”

“Juliet.”

Work mode on, I sank into her visitor’s chair and motioned for her to lower the privacy screens that would shield us from prying eyes. The last thing we needed was an audience and setting off another round of Bash having a private chat with Juliet gossip.

It’s all it was. Period.

“I need to take some time off.” I spoke slowly and calmly. “I’m not well, and I understand far too clearly where you’re coming from. We both need space.”

“Agreed,” she said curtly, not even moving in her chair. She was nervous. So was I.

“Juliet.” I sat up straighter, cleared my throat. “Juliet, I have no excuses. No more lies to tell. I know I treated you appallingly. I lied and cheated and avoided you and hid from the facts that were staring me right in the face, for months. Years even. I love you. I do. And I loved that you tried so hard for me and gave me so much. You pushed me and gave me confidence and worked so hard to make everything right, not just for me but for us. I am grateful. So bloody grateful. But it went wrong somewhere down the line, and that part is all on me. You didn’t do anything wrong, please don’t ever think that. I wasn’t…brave enough to stand up for myself. No, that’s wrong, I wasn’t honest with myself. I just went along with everything because that was what I wanted. ”

“But not what you needed.” She was calm. Thank fuck for that.

“No,” I admitted. It felt good to finally be honest. I wondered what it would be like to live like this all the time, to have this kind of freedom. Not have to hide things from the people you loved. Because I did love her.

“We had some wonderful times. I’ve never laughed as much as I have with you.”

“I know.” She gave me a small smile. “I still have tickets for that stand-up guy. I really want to go. I was going to offer them to Victoria, but…you know. I bought them for us. I really wanted to go with you.”

“Maybe I’ll still go with you. If you want me to.”

“Maybe. Might still punch you in the face.”

I smiled. We were actually doing this. Talking properly.

“I need time off.” I got back on track. “But this is the thing, Juliet. I don’t want to work anywhere else. I work here. I’m good here. I work well with you, and if you’re honest, you’ll agree that you work well with me too. We are a highly compatible and very effective team. ”

She cleared her throat. “I had a meeting with that Faye. Smart woman.” Avoiding responding to my veiled question.

“Very.”

“She thinks the sun shines out of your arse.”

“Most people do.”

“Bastien…” See? I could still make her laugh.

“I think, whilst I’m away, Faye can handle my workload. She knows her way around my files now, can read my spreadsheets, and anyway, I’ll be checking in with her once a day. Saves you having to redistribute tasks. I’d hate that.”

“She can read your spreadsheets? Bash, nobody can read your spreadsheets, not even me.”

“I taught her well.”

“You shagging her?”

I laughed out loud. She did too. I’d missed this. How she made light of the heaviness. Spoke to me like I was her equal. Praised me when I did good. Punished me for my stupidity.

She’d been on the right track there. Just wrong. And my smile died.

“You’re on Kieron’s team now. It will be up to him.”

“You need to sort him out.” I was serious.

“Faye had some…interesting tales to tell. Not only that but she had some simple solutions ready to implement. And all of that makes me feel absolutely shit, Bash, because why should I be the last to know that this is an unsafe environment for some of our colleagues to work in? Shouldn’t I be the one to realise that my staff are being complete misogynistic twats and propositioning my interns by the microwave? People did that at uni. I somehow, in my absolute blinkered stupidity, thought we’d outgrown all that.”

“Says the woman who picked me up in front of that very microwave.”

Juliet laughed. I loved seeing her happy.

Well, not happy. Laughing. She wasn’t happy. Neither was I.

“We had our first kiss in front of that microwave. Late at night working on the Blue Mountains deal.”

“I remember.”

We sat in silence for a while, seemingly having run out of words. Until she hadn’t.

“You know, Bash? I wish I’d been braver at uni. I was so focused on studying and getting all the top marks, building my portfolio and networking my way to the top. I didn’t fuck around. Didn’t lose my virginity until I was like, twenty-three, and even that wasn’t up to standard. I had standards. And I lost out on so much by having those bloody standards when I should have just been dirty-fucking idiots in alleyways like everyone else. Figured out what I liked instead of just…I don’t know. Being me.”

“You’re brilliant.” I meant that. “You’re sexy and smart and all that bullshit, Juliet. You’re brave. Brave and open-minded and fabulous and fun. You’re fucking amazing.”

“I don’t feel it. I feel broken-hearted and hurt and smashed to splinters. Like I failed. I don’t fail. I don’t fucking ever fail.”

“We failed. Yeah. But then we didn’t. We hit a wall and redirected. Ran out of investment and decided to defund. Crashed and burned, and now we have to rebuild. Differently.”

“You fucked someone else. Again. The rest is just lots of pretty words. Still can’t go to bed without waking up in a panic wondering if this is it, the moment when I die of a broken heart. Panic attacks. Haven’t had those since uni either.”

“I hated uni. Hated the pressure to be someone I wasn’t. I mean, it’s not easy to go out and ask for what you want when you haven’t got a clue what you want. Not really.”

“Lots of people come out at uni, Bash. Shagged both boys and girls. And anything else. There was this girl in my dorm called Paula.”

“Paula?” I repeated.

“I fancied her something stupid. I thought it was just because she wore nice clothes and had these perfect small, round boobs and pouty lips and all that. I wanted to be Paula. I wanted to have that confidence and wear little tops and show off. But yeah.”

Okay.

“It’s not too late to go a bit wild, Jules.”

“I don’t do…that kind of wild.” She pouted.

“You should. You can do anything you want. Maybe text Paula? Catch up?”

“Paula is married with four children. Not sure she’d consider a wild fling with a straight woman.”

Now we both laughed. Thank fuck for that .

“Look, Bash. I meant what I said the other day, that you should look for another job. But at the same time, I’m terrified of not having you in my life, and I know how bloody co-dependent and awful and weak that makes me sound, but I need this. I need our stupid chats and having a laugh about things. I need…to talk to you.”

“You can always talk to me. I promise.”

“You just don’t want to have sex with me anymore.”

Trust Juliet to talk the talk. The straight talk.

“I think, if you’re very honest with yourself here, Jules, you don’t want to have sex with me anymore either.”

Silence.

She shuffled in her chair, crossed her legs. “I liked the strap-on. Bloody hot that was.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know.”

What did I say to that? Nothing. Because I was drained to the bone, exhausted by all that this was.

“You look awful. Go home,” she said, staring out the window .

“Have to go speak to Faye and get this all set up. I’m taking two—”

“Four,” Juliet cut in. “I need four. Maybe six or even eight weeks. You work from home and then we reassess. Faye will be your eyes and ears here, and you do the work. I don’t want to see your sorry arse. And in the future…”

“Yes?”

She stood up and walked around her desk. I stood up too, half in fear, because she had that look. And now she was too close, her chest against mine, her manicured finger under my chin.

“If, in the future, I decide to have you back in the office, and if, in the future, you let Jacob destroy your pathetic skinny arse, you make sure you can sit down in a chair before you turn up for meetings. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.” I grinned.

“Mr Thurrock’s assistant called me and was clearly scandalised. Accused me of mismanaging my staff and failing to call the paramedics. Thought you had broken your back. ”

“Oh, for fuck’s—”

“She did. Filed an official complaint et al. Had to have a private conversation with Mr Thurrock himself over lunch at the Ivy finally to calm her tits. I told her you’d had a minor surgical procedure and were still healing, but that your commitment to the Thurrock fund and its growth was your primary concern over your own health.”

“I know how much you hate lunch at the Ivy.”

“You do.”

“Great sacrifice on my behalf, and I’m grateful.”

“So you should be, you ungrateful brat.”

“So, I’ll see you in four weeks?”

“Six. At least. Don’t call me. Don’t show up. I’ll communicate with Faye. Just give me that please, Bash.”

“Consider it done,” I promised.

I walked over to the door. She returned to her seat. All like normal.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Go away,” she said brusquely.

I got it. Fuck, I did .

Faye didn’t, though, when I waltzed into my office demanding her services and she flatly refused to get me a smoothie.

“Bastard,” she said instead, sitting in my office chair like she’d already signed on for my job. “I’ve spent the last hour going over the Chan account and can’t make any sense of your interest calculations. Balanced against the tax offset—”

“Wrong file.” I walked around the desk and tapped the keyboard. “Had to redo it all and encrypted it in a different place.”

“How on earth am I supposed to help you when you do shit like that?”

“I need to set up a different security key, so I can access these things remotely.”

“Why, so you can do… You’re doing what?”

“Not sure.” I sat down in my own visitor’s chair. Like a guest. Funny how it felt kind of good. Less responsibility.

“Change of plans for the next few weeks.”

“I hope that includes you getting some sleep. You look absolutely awful. There are creams for those bags under your eyes, but I’m not sure anyone can pick out the correct foundation to cover that grey on your skin.”

“Funny,” I said flatly. “I need to rest. Apparently, everyone around me can see I’m completely burnt out. I think it’s time I paid attention.”

“And perhaps less rampant sex for a bit. Let yourself heal.”

“Faye!” I gasped, and she just laughed.

“I had a very good meeting with Juliet. She’s probably going to fire me on Friday when I have my appraisal.”

“And you’re this calm about that?”

“I feel good about it because I was honest and put my foot down.”

“You did good,” I said. “And in all honesty? I feel bad because I should have done the same, ages ago.”

“It’s not just the girls, I promise you that. There’s a certain project manager who definitely has it in for the boys. And Jenna, in lending, is right nasty to Kiki on reception.”

“I’ve had words with Jenna before.”

“Then perhaps you should have words with Kiki too, because they are about to walk. We don’t need that kind of crap here. Kiki is on the ball and like a human Google, we need not to lose them. They know this company inside and out and are constantly harassed by head hunters.”

“And you know this how?”

“Because I’m a nice person. And nice people listen when other people talk. They read between the lines, and they also use their eyes, Bash.”

“I see,” I said, scratching my face. Scruff. I probably did look a mess. I was also tired, and all this new information was making me panic on the inside. Too much to deal with. No space in my frazzled brain. I was still wrung out from having to sit down with Juliet, and now this?

“Don’t stress. I told Juliet, and she’s dealing with it. You? You need to go home and have a bath. Then go to bed and try to figure out how to get a full night’s sleep. Napping is key. Small rests in between tasks. I’m assuming you’ll be available for me to check in?”

“Set up a schedule for me?”

“Done. How many weeks are we dealing with?

“Four to start. Six at a push. ”

“Eight then. Take a break, man. Let’s get this all under control. Now. How are you getting on with this finding me a man search? That should be top of your priority in the coming weeks.”

“Really?” I smiled.

“I’m right here sorting your life out, reorganising your schedule and doing your dirty work. I thought we had a deal.”

“So we did,” I grumbled. “Give me something to work on. What are we aiming for?”

“Someone nice.” She leant back in the chair. “Honest. Hardworking and straight talking. Knows their worth and mine. Puts me first. No baggage.”

“A unicorn?”

“Perhaps, but I’m sure you can find him.”

I scratched my scruff, wondering what on earth I was doing.

“Am I about to ruin my career here?” I asked. “Am I being an idiot doing this?”

“Do you have a choice?”

“I don’t know. Are you being a snake and stealing my job?” I had to be honest.

“Underhandedly getting rid of you by taking over your office and hacking all your passwords?” She smiled. “I don’t appreciate you calling me a snake, but I do appreciate you sharing your concerns. And no. I don’t want your job, but I do want to be taken on here at the end of my internship and be permanently employed. But I would much prefer to still have you on the team. I already know all your passwords, so you need to change them if you don’t want me in your business, but right now, I think you do.”

She paused and gave me a chance to breathe. I needed a rest. I needed out of here. I also needed a snack, and I needed to go to the gym and run until I couldn’t run anymore.

I needed things to change. It was just terrifying to contemplate.

“We can do this, Bash,” she said. “ You can do this. For once, look after yourself and trust me to hold the fort here. I’ve got you. I hope in a few weeks’ time, you’ll be able to see that putting your trust in me was worthwhile.”

I nodded. Perhaps I should let go. Just for a bit. I’d try, at least.