Page 17 of Forever Not Yours (Square Mile Rogues #1)

“ T here are a couple of things I want you to do for me,” I told him later that evening, after I’d fed him and got him all wrapped up on the sofa. He still looked weird, pale and drawn, and I wondered how, despite him living here, I’d let it go this far. He hadn’t stopped for weeks, and things had to change. With everything else, it was no wonder he was losing it.

“Oh, yeah?” Back to a more normal Bastien. Calmer. Brattier. Just the way I liked him.

“I want you to ring Juliet. Tell her you’re taking two weeks off, at least. Maybe even four.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re burnt to the bone, Bastien. You need to work through this and give your body a chance to adjust. Give yourself a break for once.”

He made a disgruntled sound, like he knew I was right yet wouldn’t admit it.

“Next, you ring your doctor and book yourself in for a check-up.”

“Already done. Got an appointment next week.”

I nodded appreciatively. Good boy.

“The early mornings have to stop,” I continued sternly.

“I can’t sleep,” he moaned, already rebelling against my new rules. “I try to sleep longer, but I can’t. I just wake up at the crack of dawn, and then I’m too wired to go back to sleep. I wake up all the time, and then I’m exhausted in the evening. I need to sleep.”

“Classic burnout,” I said softly. “We’re going to fix that. So from now on, we’re going to go to bed together, and get up together. Have breakfast. Go to work.”

“You go to work.”

“And you pretend you’re my house-husband. Clean, cook and walk the dog.”

“Fuck off.”

I laughed. It was so nice to laugh with him.

“No, you’re going to chill out. Gentle workouts, watch some TV, take Flossie out in the sun. Figure out where you want to go from here.”

He didn’t look sure about any of that, but I patted him reassuringly on the arm and took our plates away.

“How are you feeling now?” I asked. Because yeah. Me. I had to figure this out too. Not be so bloody overbearing, but I was still new to everything we’d become.

“Purple,” he muttered.

“And what does that mean? ”

“It means, fuck off and stop talking in bloody colours all the time.”

“Bastien…” I shook my head.

“It’s good sometimes, but it’s a bit much. I’m okay. Calm. I’ve taken my meds, pump is fine, I’ve eaten and had a nap.”

“And you got finger-fucked until you came all over yourself.”

“Thanks for the reminder.”

“You’re welcome.”

At least I’d gotten a smile out of him. The small things made me happy.

“What were you doing in that bar?”

I still needed answers. Now. We’d done so well this afternoon, but I was itching to sort this out, whatever it was.

He was trying so hard to not roll his eyes, but yes. He was rattled. It was the question he didn’t want to deal with.

“It’s not like that. Not today,” he said quietly.

“But you’d been there before?”

“Yeah. But you do that too, don’t you? Go to bars. Hook up. It’s not like—”

“It is. When you’re with me, it’s a big deal.”

Grumpy Bastien was cute. Confused and grumpy and conflicted Bastien was irresistible. Totally kissable. Which I demonstrated by awkwardly leaning over the table and slobbering over his mouth as he pouted and pushed me away.

“We’re not…like…a couple.”

“Oh, but we are,” I insisted. “We’re together. I’ve told you. You’re mine. All mine. You left Juliet, and now you live here and it’s as simple as that.”

It wasn’t, but he wasn’t getting away with this. Not after all this time.

“I told you earlier…”

“Yes, you did.” I sat down. Patience, Jake.

“Sometimes when I feel out of control, when things get on top of me, I go out and get someone to fuck me. Makes me feel better about everything for a little while, until I get back home and then I feel even shittier about myself.”

“Coping mechanism,” I said. “It’s actually just what people do.”

“Not when they’re in a relationship. And not when they do it to cheat on people. ”

“You’ve done that?” Okay. Gut punch. Although, yeah. I could see it.

He took a deep breath.

“Yes,” he whispered.

“You cheated on Juliet. With me.”

“And once before that. And another time too.”

It felt like the air stood still. I hadn’t known that. Hadn’t thought further than that bloody stag night.

“I know what a horrible person that makes me, and I’m not sitting here expecting your sympathy or understanding. We all make horrible mistakes. I do really, and I mean, really bad things when I’m stressed. And I know it doesn’t make any difference here, because I will make those mistakes again and you will throw me out and that’s…that’s why this has to stop. Because I need you to be my friend. I need you, Jake. And if you’re…like this, then—”

“Bullshit.”

“You say you love me and all that, and I love you too, but I’m not someone who will make you happy. I won’t. I tried. I tried so goddamn hard with Juliet, and she was wonderful and beautiful and supported me and let me hurt her, over and over again, and she tried to understand and help me and give me what I needed…”

Oh God. Now he was crying. Good. Not in that way.

“I went out and got fucked and I told her. I told her that’s what I needed, and I thought she would just break up with me. She didn’t. She went out and got a strap-on and fucked me until I couldn’t even stand up. But it wasn’t right. Nothing was right. I wanted out and I wanted everything to stop, and I got so desperate and nothing would work, whatever I did. I tried to stay and make her happy, and I tried to be happy, and I tried everything, and I still bloody fucked up. I can’t do this, I never can. Every single relationship I’ve been in I’ve destroyed. I can’t do this. I can’t destroy you too.”

I’d moved over to him as he ranted, pushed my body up against his on the sofa so I could hold him. His fingernails dug into my skin, and I let him take it all out on me as the sobs convulsed through his body.

“I don’t want to be like this. I just want to be normal. I want a family. I want to be a dad. I always wanted a child, so bloody much. I just wanted a normal life. Is that too much to ask? I wanted to be loved and be happy, and sometimes with you, I feel that I am. But it won’t last. It never does. You get angry with me and then I'll run and find someone else, and God, I’m just awful.”

Shut up, you idiot. I didn’t say that out loud. I just sat there and let him cry it all out, stroked his back as he slobbered all over my shoulder, smiled gently after a while, taking it all in.

“So Juliet used to fuck you?”

I think he nodded. His hands were now on my thighs instead of just hugging me back.

“Not the same. I mean, in theory it should be, but she was still Juliet, you know?”

I got that. I think.

“Anyway, it’s private.” He was calming down.

“Yes, I agree. But the other day, she said something about punishing you? That you needed punishing?”

“She shouldn’t have told you that, and I won’t either.”

I loved that he still protected her. He wasn’t a bad person. Not at all. Misguided sometimes, and the cheating was a massive issue, but this was us. Him and me.

“I respect that. But I need to tell you this, once and for all. This is not an open relationship. This is you and me, and that’s it. Nobody else will ever come between us again. If that’s something you can’t get on board with then you need to speak up now and then I need to rethink the situation. Because if you cheat on me, you will go head first out that door. I mean that, Bastien. If you feel out of control, if you feel that you want to head out and get some knuckle-headed leather-daddy to stick his filthy dick in you, then that will be the end of this relationship. Are we clear on that?”

I pushed him off me and grabbed his chin between my fingertips, tipped his face up.

God. I took it all back. Bastien with a tear-stained face, his skin all red and mushy? He was the most fragile-looking beautiful thing. And if he looked at me like he did now, he would get away with murder, because I would forever and always forgive him. And love him. And it frightened me to the point I couldn’t speak .

“You love me,” he whispered, pausing to snort. He wiped his face on his sleeve. “And I don’t know how to do this. I want to tell you that I will always love you and do all the things you want me to do, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to.”

“I think you do.”

He just sat there, all deflated and sad. I hated that he was, but at least he was here. Safe. With me.

“It will be all right, Bastien. I promise you that. I will try, with everything I am to make this good, for both of us. Okay?”

“Okay,” he replied. Then he reached out, stroking his fingertips down my cheek, a slow movement, and I leant into it. I needed it. Whatever he would give me, I would take, because where he thought he was the weak one, he wasn’t. I was. And Juliet’s words were still ringing in my ears, because I understood her better than she knew. Bastien was and would always be my weakness too. My one and only vice. He looked at me and I just disappeared. Drowned right into him.

“It’s okay,” I whispered .

“It’s not. I thought it was, with Juliet. And it wasn’t. I don’t even know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. It’s all become such a mess.”

I had no words left to say. Nothing. He did, though, and I held my breath as the words came tumbling out, one after another. A waterfall of emotions.

“She tried to give me what I thought I needed. Like, the fucking. She bought all these sex toys and a spanking paddle and all that, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t who we were, and I hated it. But I was too weak to say no, and I didn’t want to hurt her, and she went through all this effort, for me, and then it just went so bloody wrong. I started to avoid her, and then it got worse, and I blamed it on other things, but I just couldn’t get it up anymore. I didn’t want to have sex with her because it was all wrong. It was so bloody wrong. And she still loved me, and we were still getting married, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t.”

“That’s understandable,” I said gently. He was still stroking my face, both hands now, and looking straight at me .

“I should have been stronger and put an end to it. I should have taken some time away and figured it all out. Most of all, I should have acknowledged to myself what I am and what I need, and I should have talked to you. I can see that now. But hindsight is no solution here. I can’t do anything to change the past.”

I nodded gently, trying to take in everything he was saying as he continued, his voice suddenly a whisper.

“It’s really good to spend time with you. Despite everything, if I’m with you, things just seem better. Like there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

Then he kissed me, and that small gesture took me by surprise, a warmth brewing in me that I hadn’t felt for a long time.

He fucking loved me right back. I knew he did. He just needed to find the bloody guts to admit it.

“This is not going to be easy, I’m not pretending it is. What we have here is no bloody fairytale.” Talking. We were actually talking.

“Amen to that,” he said.

“And I think, deep down, you know that this is the end of the road. This is where Bastien and Jake stop being Bastien and Jake and instead agree that we’re something else.”

Now he was looking down at his hands that were once again on my thighs. I loved when we sat like this. It felt intimate. Close. Even closer than I felt to him when my dick was up his arse. I told him that too. Laughter. Gentle giggles.

“I love being this close to you,” I repeated. He needed to hear it.

“It’s good. I hope you’re less angry with me now.”

“A little bit. I’m trying to understand.”

“I didn’t go into that bar to get fucked. Maybe it crossed my mind for a few seconds, but I felt all off and needed to sit down and get something in me.” His breath hitched for a second. “Not like that, Jake. God. I needed juice. Food. Anything. I was hypo and crashing, and my head wasn’t in the right place, and I saw this bar and it felt safe to go in. I knew they would give me what I needed without questioning if I was bloody drunk or high or whatever. There’s never anyone on the door there during the daytime, so…well. That’s what I did. I went in. Asked for help.”

“And help you got. ”

“Then I rang you. I wasn’t going to let anyone fuck me. That wasn’t on the cards.”

“Okay.”

“I would have told you if it had been.”

“I’m still working on the trust here, Bastien. I don’t like it. I don’t like that you even thought about it. You need to listen—”

“No. You need to listen.” He was the one in control now. Sitting up straight, holding on to my hands like he needed me. Like I actually did mean something to him. “We’ve always been close, you and me. We’ve always had this, this you and me thing, and I’m being honest here. I never thought of you as someone…for me. We were just us. And believe me, us has always been my lifeline. It’s just I think about it now and the way we are. Maybe our energy has never been aligned. Maybe it’s just fate.”

“I don’t know about fate. Perhaps, I mean, I have always felt more for you than you have for me.”

That seemed to get to him, and he stilled. Sat there cradling my hands in his for what seemed like the longest time. It was good, though. It made me focus, like the air was nothing, and all I could hear was my own breathing, his gently in the background.

It felt like we’d needed this. Just a day to figure all of this out. To learn how to talk. Properly. It still felt disjointed and messy, but at least we were here. Together.

“That’s not true. I just energise differently,” he finally admitted in a voice that sounded shaky.

“Bastien, what even does that mean?”

“That maybe I have always felt the same, but not…energised it enough.”

“So you do admit it?” I pressed. “That you like cock and you love me.”

“Bullshit.” He laughed. I loved that he did. “Yeah, maybe, but that’s me and my kind of bullshit.”

“That’s it,” I said sternly. “Bedtime for you. You’ve had enough talk for now. Go to bed. I need to sort out my work schedule and rebook all the patients I fobbed off this afternoon running around rescuing you from leather-daddies. Need to make some phone calls. Then I’ll come tuck you in later. And tomorrow? I expect to find you in bed next to me when I wake up. ”

“So bossy,” he sassed.

“You love it.” I tapped a finger on his nose. My beautiful man. “And I love you.”

“Okay,” he said.

I didn’t expect anything else, but still, I felt it, and that was enough. More than enough.