Page 85 of Forever Her Bachelor
“No, I’m going to ride to London with my wife, and she’s going to listen to me confess what a complete and utter horse’s arse I have been.”
“You may speak, but I cannot assure you that I will listen.” Pippa held her chin high, nostrils flaring, looking very much like a duchess.
Leaning over, he took her gloved hands in his own, warmth spreading over his cold, tired body, and suddenly he was home.
He was meant to be wherever she was, and he was a fool for not realizing it sooner. He knew that now.
She pinned him with her gaze, her booted foot tapping against the carriage floor. St. Clara had been accustomed to her look of indifference for the last nine years. After today, he hoped that he never would see it on her face again. His eyes trailed over her, taking in her pale demeanor. He saw the effect his actions had on her. The light was out of her eyes, and he was the sole cause.
“I-I’m sorry I was a complete and utter fool. The things we discovered about my mother changed everything for me.” He squeezed her hand, hoping that his own weren’t shaking.
The wetness on his cheeks was a constant stream of tears proving to his wife that he had been a fool in his actions. He knew now that he had to fight for her as he had not done before.
He needed her to see how remorseful he was. “Not only had I learned that my mother loved me, but discovering the truth about my sister’s conception… Pippa—” A sob racked through him, making him feel like the lost boy he had been.
“Chauncey.” Pippa gave his hand a tiny squeeze, giving him the strength he needed to continue.
She was his rock, his comfort.
The carriage jerked forward, forcing Pippa to fall off her seat. He caught her in his arms, bringing her to his chest. St. Clara couldn’t help but bury his nose in her hair, inhaling her enchanting scent. He loved her scent, the delicate smells of lavender and rose water capturing him.
Pippa freed herself, taking her seat again. He wanted to bring her closer to him and never let her go. St. Clara had a void in his chest, one that could only be filled by his intelligent wife.
“When I read my mother’s journal, I was helpless and alone, and most of all, I was afraid.” He swallowed, trying to find the words to articulate everything. “Fear that I would one day failyou too, and I can’t do that.” He moved beside her, causing Newton to let out a meow of protest as he jumped out of St. Clara’s way. “I love you, Kitten. I love you so much that I’d rather free you than risk you suffering like my mother—but I’m a damned fool because we’re stronger together than apart.” As he pressed his head against hers, they sat in silence, tears falling freely down both their faces. “I’m not my father, and I never will be.
“You could never be him. Besides, I wouldn’t let you.” She shook her head lightly, her own tears falling freely. “I couldn’t stay and allow you to break my heart again.”
“I never meant to break your heart the first time.” His heart was rapidly beating as if he was still running. “I love you, and if you’ll forgive me, I promise that I’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to never fail you or our children.” He waited for her answer, wanting her to forgive him more than he wanted anything in the universe. “Kitten, say something.”
Pippa licked her lips repeatedly as she shifted out of his reach. Instantly cold, he clenched his hands into fist, holding his breath, his pulse pounding.
Never a praying man, St. Clara begged God for his wife’s forgiveness. That was all he cared about. Nothing mattered. Not the inheritance, not the past, nothing mattered to him but his wife.
“I can’t,” she whispered, the words crushing the small gleam of hope he had depended on.
St. Clara had foolishly believed that all would be forgiven with his confession of love, but he was wrong. Broken in two, he tried swallowing his feeble pride, his eyes shifting around the carriage. He couldn’t bear to look at her, to see the disappointment and hurt on her face.
She didn’t need to see his heartbreak and failure. He had let the sins of the past rule him so much that he was willing to give up the very best part of himself.
“You dismissed me, dismissed us without any thought or care.” Taking a deep breath, he watched her find the strength to continue. “I know that you were not the cause of what happened nine years ago, but you must understand that I endured that pain—that absolute torture in losing the only person that I cared for since my parents’ death … and you did not fight for me or try to discover the cause.”
Taking hold of her nape, he pulled her to him, pressing his forehead against hers. “Kitten, please.”
Shaking her head, Pippa pressed a soft gentle kiss to his lips, one of her hands cupping his stubbled cheek. “I need time. I need to know that you will not abandon me and our children if you discover another long-buried Bennett secret.”
Covering her hand with his, St. Clara looked into her eyes. “I assure you that I will never leave you again.”
She released him, carefully moving back to the seat across from him. Her face morphed back into the same cold look from earlier. “I know.” Pippa picked up the blasted feline, stroking its fur. “I understand how you are feeling, but I will not allow you to take out your anger on me. Never again.” Gutting him with a hard stare, Pippa took in a sharp breath. “You don’t run; you fight. If I’m what you want, fight for me.” Her challenge was filled with anger, her eyes blazing with fire. “You’ve never done that, have you? You’ve always allowed others to dictate our lives.”
The truth of her words made him ill. He had always listened to his father because he was the only parent he had known, but everything out of his father’s mouth had been a lie. St. Clara knew that now more than anything.But was it too late to prove to her that he was deserving of her love?“I was weak, and Ibelieved my father wanted what was best for me. The truth is he only wanted to control me.”
She shook her head, tears streaming, the cat in her arms glaring at St. Clara. “Yes, and by controlling you, he tried to control me, and I will not be controlled by anyone. I need time. Time to be sure that you are the man I want to be with because I won’t be tossed aside like I was at Archer Castle.”
Kneeling in front of her, he took the hand that was distractedly stroking Newton. “You must understand how I was feeling. How I am still feeling inside, but I know now…” He kissed her hand, not caring about cat fur. “… I know now that I am better with you by my side.” His entire body trembled, the fear of losing her for good caused panic to grip his chest. “All I want is to be worthy of your love.”
Hazel eyes that he hoped one day would pass down to their children filled with tears. “You are worthy, Chauncey. You just have to believe it.” She removed her hand from his, staring out the window.
The sight of her tears threatened to break him into pieces. Taking his seat again, he looked over at his wife’s rigid posture, wanting her forgiveness more than he wanted to breathe. Time. She needed time, and he would give it to her no matter the cost.