Page 19 of Forever & Always You
“Yeah, you’re really demolishing that plate,” Austin comments after a while, and I can’t even appreciate how sexy his teasing smiles are, because now I’m lost inside the depths of my chaotic mind and wondering why he thinks it’s weird to share our dating history.
Weird because he’s known me all my life, or weird because the thought of me with someone else makes him uncomfortably jealous too?
And that’s all it takes to send me spiraling again, my thoughts chasing each other in endless circles as I ruminate over Austin and what his mind is doing.
If I don’t say something now, I won’t be able to sleep.
“Okay, listen,” I say, clearing my throat.
My earnest tone catches Austin off guard, because a flicker of confusion travels across his features before he straightens his shoulders and offers me his full attention.
“At the risk of embarrassing myself to the point where I’ll probably avoid making eye contact with you for the rest of the weekend, there’s something I need to ask.
If I don’t, I’ll overthink myself to death and end up as an anxious wreck, and I’m not on my A-game with my sarcasm when I’m anxious.
I’m probably way off the mark, and maybe it’s just my ego thinking too highly of myself, but—”
“Christ, Gabby, spit it out.”
His interruption is met with a scathing glare. “You know I ramble on when I’m nervous.”
“Why are you nervous?”
“Will you shut up and listen?” I run my hands down my face and take a deep breath. My eyes find Austin’s, curious and waiting, and part of me doesn’t even want to ask the question in fear of the answer. “We were best friends .?.?. but did you ever like me more than that?”
Silence pulses between us while I hold my breath and instantly wish I could cram the words back in my mouth. Austin’s lips twitch with the threat of a smile. He’s holding back laughter.
The embarrassment scorches my face. “Can I retract the question?”
“It’s not really a question when you already know the answer,” he finally says.
“But I don’t know the answer. Hence I asked.”
That laughter he’s been fighting finally breaks free, filling every crevice of the house until I’m pretty certain it’ll haunt me when I’m lying wide awake tonight at 2 a.m. replaying this conversation over and over again.
“Gabby, seriously? You didn’t know? You think I followed you around obsessively because you were my friend?
You think I left gifts on your front step for the hell of it?
You think I asked you to prom as your friend ?
I had the biggest fucking crush on you.”
My lips part and air gradually seeps back into my lungs. “You did?”
“C’mon, Gabby,” Austin says, shaking his head in amused disbelief. “You were always top of the class with your grades, yet you couldn’t figure that out?”
“I just .?.?. I didn’t see it back then. Only now in hindsight,” I explain, then add, “I’m sorry.”
“Why? It’s not like things would have been different,” he says.
“I never stood a chance with you anyway, and we were kids, Gabby. All I missed out on was some high school romance that would have lasted approximately two months and then ended with us dramatically breaking up during lunch in front of everyone in the cafeteria. Trust me, I’m over it. ”
I drop my gaze to my plate, poking at some chicken.
The way I hurt Austin seems a thousand times worse now that I know he had deeper feelings for me than just those of a close friend.
No wonder my betrayal cut him so deep. But he’s also right, because things wouldn’t have been different had I known.
My mother wouldn’t let him step one foot in the house and I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone thinking we were friends—there’s no way I’d have dated him.
It makes sense now why he put up with the awful way I treated him for so long.
“What’s going through your mind, Gabby?”
I glance up, a lump in my throat. “I feel like the worst person in the world, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now? Fixing it?” His gaze is soft, too soft, and I don’t deserve it. “I’m here in front of you. I’m letting you eat my egg rolls in my kitchen. I’m giving you a chance, Gabrielle.”
“But—”
“But nothing,” he cuts in. Sighing, he grabs his plate of food and gets to his feet.
He circles the table and repositions himself in the spot right next to me, scooting his chair in close and intently holding eye contact with me.
“When I walked out and saw you sitting there in the lobby at the office yesterday, it was like a gunshot straight to the chest. My blood was boiling, because how dare you show up in my life again?”
I turn away because the truth in his words stings, but he immediately grabs my wrist the same way he always seems to when he wants my attention exclusively on him. I muster the strength to find his gaze once more.
“For as much as I’ve spent the past seven years hating you,” he says, hand still wrapped gently around my wrist, “I can’t deny that I like having you around again.
That comes with a lot of mixed feelings which I’m trying to work through, but you’re doing okay so far, so relax.
My blood temperature is moderate. I can look you in the eye, exactly like this, without wanting to throw my fist through the wall.
” We both manage a tiny smile. “If I didn’t want to find a way to forgive you, you wouldn’t be here. ”
“Is there anything I can do?” I ask, my throat so dry the words stick.
“Just keep being the Gabby I knew before. The goofy one, not the bitchy one,” he clarifies, then lets his gaze dip to his hand around my wrist. Before he lets go, he brushes his thumb over my skin. “I’ve missed her.”
My skin feels electrified as I murmur, “I’m trying my best to find her.”
“Well, can you find her while we finish this food?” Austin asks with a grin. He picks up his chopsticks and clicks them together. “My duck’s getting cold.”