Page 21

That’s not fair!

I bit back on the protest. Not fair to who? Not fair to me, when I wouldn’t even tell him I wanted sex? Or was it not fair to him, whose past struggles and trauma ran far deeper than I realized? How would I feel if the person I loved more than anything else in the world treated me like a monster? It wasn’t fair to him to put him through that.

“Honesty isn’t my best strong suit,” I blurted. “I’m an excellent liar. Even to myself. I didn’t use to be. But I’m not who I used to be. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”

Frustration and confusion warred in his gaze.

“Please touch me,” I whispered. “There are only two things I want. For Darcie and Thessa to be safe and for you to know I want you, more than I have words to express.”

“You’re only saying that to convince me to drink from you, because you think it’s necessary to save them,” Luken answered roughly.

I lifted my hand and hesitated. “Can I touch you at least?”

His eyebrows pinched together, but he nodded.

Carefully, I lowered my hand to his chest. He felt cool again, the normal cold temperature. Was it because of how long it had been since he last drank? I watched the fabric pull against the friction as I traced my fingers over his chest, enjoying the feeling of his sculpted muscles.

“I’m afraid of how much I want you,” I murmured. Honesty, right? “It’s not the sex and the pleasure. At least, not just the pleasure,” I corrected, my thumb tracing the outline of his nipple beneath his shirt. “When you’re holding me, when you’re inside of me, I feel… I feel…” I hesitated, the truth so vulnerable. It might break me if I told him and he didn’t believe me. “I feel connected. I’ve been lost for so long, Luken. Saving Darcie was my only purpose, but I never saw a future. It was always just saving Darcie and then ghosting my way through life until I die. But with you, I see possibilities . And I’m so scared of embracing those possibilities, because if I lose them, I won’t ever recover.”

Luken let out a shaky breath.

“I’m so scared, Luken,” I whispered as tears slid down my cheeks. “I’m scared I’m too broken. That I will only ever push you away and that I’m not strong enough to…”

“You asked me what I saw in the light. I saw… I saw myself killing your sister. I saw myself throwing you into a fire and murdering your family one after another. In between, I saw me over you, fucking you. And fire. So much fire.”

No wonder he reacted like that! From his view, it must look like I was putting them both at the same level. Our times fucking were just as traumatic as if he had killed my family. I went cold at the realization. Fresh tears spilled down my cheeks. When was the last time I cried this much?

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

Luken started to shift away from me.

“Don’t pull away,” I begged. “It’s a nightmare. It’s not real, Luken. I don’t blame you for their deaths. I don’t… I don’t want you to think I was wrong for us to be together. I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I craved your touch so much, even when I thought you murdered my family. It’s not because I don’t want you to fuck me… to make love to me.”

His eyes moved back to my face, but I still saw the doubt in them.

“Sex is the one thing I can count on. The one connection I know will let me feel whole, even if it’s only for a little while.” I slumped forward, resting my cheek against his shoulder. “If we can’t save Darcie and Thessa, it’s the one thing that will bring me back to you. I know this has to be confusing for you. It’s confusing for me, and I’m the one in my own head.”

Luken pulled me into his arms. The relief of him touching me was enough for me to choke on a sob. I pressed myself to him, not caring about sex right now, just needing to feel him.

“If we opened the bond—” he started.

“I’m not strong enough.”

Luken pressed his face into my hair. “I think you’d be able to use magic if we did. It would make understanding each other so much easier.”

I shook my head. “It must seem ridiculous to you, but I can’t. It’s… it’s too much. I can’t hold it.”

“You can. You are strong enough.”

“I’m not,” I insisted.

Luken sighed as he tucked his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. “But I’m meant to believe sex is something you want?”

“More than my next breath,” I told him fervently.

“Fuck,” Luken breathed, catching me closer. “Why can’t I resist you?”

“Don’t resist,” I begged him. “Hold me, fuck me, make love to me. Want me, Luken. Please, want me.”

Our mouths crashed together. Luken’s hands were rough as he explored my body, as though a desperate man searching for the one thing to keep him sane. The pain left over from the light made my muscles ache, but in a way that only highlighted the delicious feeling of his touch.

“Take off your clothes,” he ordered. Then he laughed as he bent into my neck. “You can be on top this time.”

I straddled him, ignoring the order about clothes. I wanted to be close. As I ground myself against him, I remembered how drained he’d been after the last challenge. With him kissing my neck and working his hands under my shirt, it was hard to remember. But… but I wanted it to be good for him, too.

“Wait,” I whispered.

He stilled.

“Do you want this? Are you ready for it?” I pulled away and cupped his face in my hands.

“How can you feel this—” he thrust up against me, letting his erection grind into my core. “And wonder that?”

“Because I want to be certain,” I answered, slightly breathless with desire.

Luken stroked his thumb over my cheekbone.

“And because you were exhausted,” I admitted. “And I don’t want to push your physical limit.”

He nuzzled into my neck again. “I should drink first.”

“Do it,” I said.

His fangs scraped against my throat. “Take off your clothes first.”

I was more than happy to obey. I quickly disrobed, taking everything off. I moved back to straddle Luken, my husband. Mine —but he grasped my hips and stopped me. His gaze traveled over me slowly, as though savoring every inch of my skin exposed to him. He took hold of my left hand and moved it; I realized I’d been hiding part of my scars.

“This time is going to be different,” he promised me. “We’ve only ever fucked in the past. This time, I want to make love to you.”

He started off with gentle touches. His hands moved over my shoulders, down my arms. They skimmed the flare of my hip and brushed the undersides of my breast. He pulled me closer, one hand supporting my waist and the other touching my lips. It was feather-light, so tender that it made me gasp.

His eyes darkened with lust, but he didn’t rush things. It was as though it was the first time he’d ever seen a woman, the reverence in his face, the gentleness with which he touched me. When he put his face back to my neck, he breathed in my scent deeply and kissed my pulse. I let my head fall back, my hands resting on his shoulder. Part of me wanted to beg him to take me, but I was enjoying this soft touch too much. It was almost as pleasant, having him run his nose over my collarbone, as it was to have his fingers on my clit.

When he bit into me, his cock sprang to life. It strained against his pants. A shudder of pleasure moved through me as I rocked myself over him, seeking out the friction of our bodies moving together. I wished he’d taken off his clothes before starting to drink. He made greedy sucking noises as my skin tightened all over my body. One arm stayed around my waist while the other dropped between my legs. I arched myself, giving him more access.

He plunged two fingers into me and curled them upward, igniting all my nerve endings. I gasped and moaned, clutching at him and tearing at his clothes in rapid successful. It was too much and not enough all at once. Somewhere in my pleasure-fevered mind, I knew how much he was holding back. How he was focused on my pleasure, rather than taking his needs. Even his drinking from me was controlled.

I managed to get his shirt off as his thumb ran circles over my clit. My thighs were already shaking. I reached for his belt, and he thrust his fingers deeper into me with one final pull. All my muscles were released, and I cried out, slumping against his chest.

Luken withdrew his fingers from me and kissed the spot he’d been drinking. His touch was gentle again. Light and like butterflies tracing over my skin.

“More,” I begged. “I want you inside of me.”

I tugged at his belt, still half-blind from the orgasm he’d already given me. Luken laughed as he lifted our bodies together. Somehow, he managed to get the rest of his clothes off. Then he settled back down and smiled up at me. Waiting. His cock was hard, already leaking with his desire.

I angled myself over him and lowered down, groaning as he filled me. It felt so good! I may not have been as experienced as he was, but I was going to make this good. I settled over him, our bodies connected like pieces of a puzzle. Luken kissed my collar; otherwise, it was not moving. He was letting me have control this time. Letting me explore this connection between us.

Tentatively, I moved up, feeling him slide partly out of me. I thrust myself back down and was rewarded by Luken tightening his hold on me. He grunted, his expression intense as he stared into my eyes. I did it again, enjoying the way his jaw went slack. Again and again, I rode him. My thighs started to burn, and I dropped, grinding in a way that set my clit on fire.

“I love the way you’re looking at me right now,” I told him.

He kissed the top of my breast as we moved together. He was starting to thrust upward, matching my rhythm. “I’m not sure how much longer I can hold back.”

I caught his face and kissed him, thrusting my tongue into his mouth. He tasted of my blood and pleasure. I whimpered as the tightness built in my belly.

“Don’t hold back,” I whispered into him. “Fuck me now. Fuck me as though our lives depend on it.”

And he did. He grabbed my hips, stilling my motion, and took over. His hips rammed upward, thrusting into me with such force that I bounced. I grabbed his shoulders to keep myself steady, screaming as the orgasm hit me suddenly. There was a violence to his motions that thrilled me, him taking from me as much as he was giving. He pulled me tighter, his arms like steel.

“You will never leave me again,” he snarled as he kissed and bit my shoulders. “You belong to me, Elara Tideborne.”

“Yes,” I panted, hardly able to speak. He reached between us, circling my clit, and sent me into orgasm again. I arched my back and screamed, my fingernails digging into him. “Luken! Oh, Luken! I’m yours. Forever, I’m yours. Don’t let me go. Never let me go. Please!”

“Mine,” he growled, biting me again.

He drank deeply, greedily, sending my orgasm skyrocketing again before I came down from the first one. I’d never felt anything so intense. I was helpless before the pleasure, and I never wanted it to end. Luken was inside of me. He was pushing my body further than I thought was possible. He was claiming me, and I loved it.

We were like that for hours. We alternated between so tender it made me cry to wild, bordering on utterly animal. Through it all, Luken kept me on top of him. Sometimes, he was in control. Sometimes, I was. I learned more about my own body in those hours than all the training the assassin’s coven had put me through. It exhausted me, thrilled me, took me over the edge over and over again.

By the time I reluctantly told him I had to stop, my body ached with a delicious pleasure. Every inch of me was sore, and I revealed in the pain.

Luken washed us both with the store of water, then helped me dress. I sighed in disappointment as he covered himself, but smiled when he pulled me back into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder as we lay together, cuddling.

“Will I have as much stamina as you when I’m fully vampire?” I asked. For once, the idea didn’t fill me with dread.

Luken chuckled into my rumpled hair. “That’s a dangerous idea, isn’t it? We might never stop. Who will run the kingdom if we’re always… busy?”

“Marissa can,” I said flippantly.

I buried my face in Luken’s shirt. The warmth that spread through me was more than just the physical relaxation of sex. It was more than a pleasure. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I didn’t hate Luken Holakas. I never had. I loved him.

And I always would.

“Thank you,” I whispered to him. “I know it can’t be easy for you, with… me. I’m not what you wanted your mate to be, am I?”

Luken ran his fingers down his spine. “That’s where you’re wrong. It’s the circumstances I wish were different. You are exactly what I wanted. I wish I had protected you better. I wish that I could have spared you all the pain you’ve been through. And I hate that I’m the reason for your pain.”

I pushed myself to my elbow. “Are you really?”

“If you weren’t my mate—”

“Shhh.” I put my finger on his lips. “Were you the one who killed my family? Were you the one who sent Darcie to the temples? Were you the one who thought up the Blood Trials? No. It’s the gods. Everything… even what Draven has done, it’s not because of you, Luken. It’s because of them.”

Luken sighed heavily. “When you say it like that, it makes sense.”

I grinned. “I can be pretty smart, you know.”

Laughing, he kissed my swollen lips. His smile died quickly. “There’s something else you should know before we continue.”

I rested my chin on his chest. “Mmm, you’re serious. What’s this about what?” I teased.

Luken pressed his lips together. “I have no real way to prove it. But I think you might be pregnant.”

“What?” I bolted upright, heart pounding. “What? No! I’m not ready to be pregnant. Gods—” Ice washed through me. I’d been feeling sick more often. I thought it was just stress. But if I was pregnant… “Oh, Gods! That means I’ll be a mother. I’m going to fuck it up. I shouldn’t be a mother. You can’t trust me to take care of a kid!”

Luken pushed himself into a sitting position and took my hands in his. “Elara, breathe. I don’t know for sure.”

“What makes you think I’m pregnant?” I demanded.

“The way the revelation spell was acting, for one. It reacts to living organisms, but is designed to ignore the functions of the normal microbes that exist in a body. But the way it changed color when you were in it indicated there was something else in with you. Your scent has changed, too. Subtly, but it’s still changed. I don’t know any spells that can confirm it.”

I trembled, both my hands pressed to my stomach. I wanted kids eventually, but not when we were about to come up against the gods! Not when we still had a life-and-death mission to complete. A pregnancy only complicated things. What was I supposed to do? Run back to the palace to protect something I didn’t know for certain existed, give up on Thessa and Darcie?

No. That wasn’t an option.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to drop my hands and looked back at Luken. “I’m not abandoning the mission. Pregnancy or not, I can’t turn back.”

Luken nodded, looking troubled and defeated. “I know. But I thought you deserved to have all the information. The good news is that vampires are hardy. The baby you may or may not be carrying is a vampire, which means they’re strong. It’s nearly impossible to terminate a vampire pregnancy. So you don’t have to worry about fighting.”

He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

“We never talked about children,” I murmured, biting my lip. “Do you even want to be a father?”

“I…” He shook his head, as though trying to shake out his thoughts. “I haven’t put much thought into it. I assumed I would be someday. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’ll worry about that when we get home with Darcie and Thessa.”

“But do you want me to be pregnant?”

He cupped my cheek and ran his hand over my lip. “I want to give you everything, Elara. If that includes children, then I want that. But I understand if it’s too early. If we’re too shaky, you and I. I’m a patient man. I can wait.” He smiled and leaned forward to kiss me. “After all, I waited over three hundred years for you. I can wait again.”