Page 90 of For You & No One Else (Say Everything 3)

But the night had been a roller-coaster ride and her own adrenaline hadn’t worn off fully yet. Nervous energy was making her restless, and there was no way she could fall asleep right now. She grabbed the remote, lowered the volume a bit, and then gingerly got out of bed.

She padded into the kitchen, got a glass of water, and then sat down at her desk with her laptop. She shuffled papers out of the way to make room, peeked over her shoulder, and then opened a fresh document.

Untitled Book Because Titles Are Hard

By Eliza Catalano

Chapter 8

The “Oprah Is a Badass” Consideration

When I was in graduate school and brainstorming what my research project should be for my master’s thesis, one of the hardest first steps was knowing the right question to ask. What specifically did I want to know? Until I could pin that down, I couldn’t fashion a study to measure it.

With this life experiment, I’m starting to wonder if I’m asking the wrong question. Conceivably, I’m asking, how does one find long-lasting love in the modern world without the aid of the internet? But really, it’s much more basic than that. At the root, I went into this looking for the traditional happily-ever-after—love, then marriage. That’s the desired result. But maybe I’m missing a more important question. Thewhy.

Whyis this the goal I’m seeking? Why has marriage become the brass ring for me? My friends-with-benefits guy is staunchly anti-marriage. When he first laid out his arguments to me, I won’t lie, I rolled my eyes and chalked it up to a guy wanting to get laid without the bother of a commitment. But lately, I’ve been thinking more about it. Why did I feel so defensive when he took a shot at matrimony?

Is it simply because that’s what I’ve been taught—by my parents, by society, by the movies? Is it because I think that marriage offers some guarantee that the relationship will last? Even if I ignored the divorce rate, I have miserable couples who come into my practice every week to prove that guarantee false. No, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if the heart of this is that I haven’t felt likeenoughon my own.

Which gets me to the real question: Why can’t I be a badass like Oprah or Goldie Hawn? Those two women have found love but have purposely held on to their unmarried status. Together with their partners but independent of the label. Strong and confident women who have successful careers and life partners. They and their partners chooseevery dayto stay together. There’s something, well,romanticabout that, isn’t there?

I’m not going to apologize for wanting love in my life. Love and belonging are right there in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, so I know I’m not alone in that desire. But perhaps, marriage is more about the performance of it all for me.

I’m learning through this going off-line process that I’ve fixated on my outward-facing persona more than I care to admit. I wanted to have those Instagram pics showing off the elaborate wedding proposal my boyfriend pulled off. I wanted to flash the ring at the camera. I wanted to have those smiling, just-hitched photos. But why? To prove to others I’m worthy of love? To prove I’m capable of counseling other people about their relationships? To be envied?

I’m not liking my answers to those questions. Self-examination is ugly, y’all. Necessary but ugly. It’s time to figure out what I really want.

And maybe what I want is him. Labels, be damned.