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TWENTY-FIVE

INTERLUDE

Okay babes, it’s your girl HockeyHomeGurlHattie. You might want to sit down for this one, because I have tea so hot it's currently melting through my keyboard.

Remember last night's ultra-exclusive art event in downtown Seattle?

You know, the one with the invite-only crowd, the moody lighting, and enough black turtlenecks to make Paris Fashion Week weep?

Well, someone in our little hockey world got an invite and they didn't just walk away with a glass of champagne and a free postcard—they walked away with the SCOOP OF THE YEAR.

Let me back up.

The art show was a private unveiling of a new series titled Variations of a Muse by none other than the elusive and ridiculously expensive artist B. Ardent. (You remember, the artist who sold a painting for $2.3 million last year without ever showing their face? That one.)

Now, nobody's ever seen B. Ardent. They're like the Banksy of oil paint and emotionally devastating brush strokes. But guess who was front and center at this show? Half the Seattle Vipers team. And who was walking in hand-in-hand like a soft-focus romcom scene?

SEBASTIAN BERGERON and DERRICK SHAW.

I'll give you a moment to gasp.

Yes. That Sebastian Bergeron. Ice King himself.

Wall of Steel. The man who's more likely to be caught glaring down a slapshot than making heart eyes across a canvas.

And Derrick Shaw, newest goalie for the Vipers, former golden boy of Toronto, recovering from that nasty concussion, looking FINE in a tailored suit and clearly not just a houseguest anymore.

Multiple attendees (who shall remain unnamed because I'm not trying to get sued) reported seeing Sebastian acting way too nervous as the crowd viewed the collection.

Apparently, the paintings became increasingly personal.

Abstractions, then landscapes, and finally—portraits.

All of the same man. And that man? Was unmistakably Derrick Shaw.

Let's pause for effect.

Now, no one from the team has made a statement. Sebastian hasn't confirmed anything. But there were whispers. Whispers that Sebastian said something to the group. Something like, "He's my muse. This is my work."

YOU GUYS.

This means what we think it means, right?

Is B. Ardent not just a tortured genius but ALSO our favorite hockey robot with thighs that could crush a coconut? Because if that's true—if Sebastian Bergeron is B. Ardent—then:

He's a literal billionaire.

He's dating his teammate.

He's been lying to the press, fans, and possibly the franchise for YEARS.

And let's not forget: Derrick's contract was questioned after his trade from Toronto. There were rumors, doubts, murmurs about his performance and health. Now we're supposed to believe he just happened to land on the same team as the guy who's painting him like a Greek god reborn?

#FAVORTISM?

#CONFLICT OF INTEREST?

#PILLOW TALK CONTRACTS?

I'm not saying anything for sure but the internet certainly is.

Here are just a few of the comments blowing up my feed right now:

@PuckMeHarder: If Bergeron is B. Ardent, that's the gayest power move I've ever seen and I LOVE IT.

@SkateOrDie: Soooo is this why Shaw got picked up? Because that man is a walking masterpiece?

@BladesAndBrushes: I feel lied to and also incredibly aroused. Send help.

No word yet from the Vipers' management team, but we'll be watching.

Closely.

Because if this story keeps going where I think it's going. . .hockey just got a whole lot more romantic.

Ya'll know I have my tea in hand, pinky finger up and dancing a jig!!

Stay salty, stay curious!

UPDATE 12 HOURS LATER

HOLY PUCKING HELL, my lovelies! This tea just went from hot to NUCLEAR.

So, I'm sitting here in my fuzzy socks editing this video when my phone EXPLODES with notifications. Apparently, ESPN just ran a segment on Sebastian Bergeron's ‘secret artistic identity’, which means this tea has officially gone mainstream, babes!

But that's not even the juiciest part!

One of my most reliable sources (who may or may not work in the Vipers' equipment room and definitely deserves a raise) just sent me footage of Sebastian and Derrick LEAVING the arena together after an emergency meeting with management.

And let me tell you, Sebastian ‘I Have No Emotions’ Bergeron looked WRECKED. Like, full-on devastated. Derrick was practically holding him up, arm around his waist, whispering something in his ear.

#PROTECT

#BOYFRIENDGOALS

#EMOTIONALHOCKEY

But wait, there's MORE. The plot thickens, darlings!

Remember how I told you B. Ardent's paintings sell for millions? Well, according to my source in the art world (yes, I contain multitudes), Sebastian donates most of it. Apparently, this recent show, all proceeds—EVERY SINGLE PENNY—went to MS research foundations.

MS. As in Multiple Sclerosis.

As in the condition Derrick Shaw's mother has been battling since he was a child.

I am DECEASED. Someone check my pulse because I cannot with these two.

@HockeyMomOf3: Wait so he's been secretly funding research for his boyfriend's mom's disease? Is this real life?

@VipersVixen: If someone painted me like that AND donated millions to help my family I'd marry them yesterday.

@StanleyCupCake: I'm not crying you're crying shut up

But hold onto your jerseys, because this rollercoaster isn't over. Rumor has it the Vipers' GM is FURIOUS about the whole situation. Not because of the gay thing (it's 2025, people), but because Sebastian didn't disclose his "significant outside income" when negotiating his last contract.

Apparently, there's some clause about "financial transparency" that could potentially void Sebastian's $8.5 million contract.

Which means the league's best goalie could suddenly be a free agent.

Which means Toronto might try to swoop in and get him. #smellthebloodinthewater

Which means Derrick and Sebastian could be SEPARATED.

@PuckDaddy: If they split up these two, I will burn the NHL to the ground.

@IceIceBaby: Toronto management better not even THINK about it.

@BlueLineBreaker: Wait, so we could have TWO elite goalies?? YES PLEASE!

Word on the street is an official statement is coming.

I'll believe it when I see it and you know ya gurl will be here to dissect every word.

If the Vipers know what's good for them, they won't bite the hand that feeds them.

Cough. Cough. Famous artist. Famous Goalie who every franchise will be scrambling to grab up if this goes south.

I'm setting up a live stream for tomorrow because this situation is developing faster than a breakaway with Groves on the ice. Make sure you've got notifications turned on!

#ArtAndIce

#GoalieGayLove

#ProtectThemAtAllCosts

Y'all, I haven't been this invested in a hockey romance since. . .well, since the whole Torrance Bailey and Alexis Rhodes debacle. This is unprecedented territory and I am HERE FOR IT.

Sipping the hottest tea and passing it to you,

Hattie out.