Page 49 of Finding Home (Willow Valley #1)

FORTY-NINE

CHLOE

I ’ve never in my life fought with myself as much as I have when it comes to the decision I made to leave Everett.

I’m still fighting it. Warring with myself if I made the right decision or the selfish decision.

If I’m crushed and miserable, is it selfish?

Because I’ve never been this sad and lost before.

After my conversation with Grayson and Hannah this morning, I knew I needed to come to my spot. Not one on the property, but one away from everything, where no one would think to come find me.

Usually, coming to my spot by the lake is enough to help me at least start to feel better, but right now, it makes me miss Everett and Lila even more.

I’m thinking about how much I want them to be here with me.

I want to take Lila swimming in the lake during the summer, knowing that Everett is going to sit on the beach and watch us, not getting in until the two of us drag him into the water.

The water slowly laps at the sand as a soft, barely there breeze comes off the mountains, through the valley, and over the lake.

I wrap my arms around my legs, hugging them to my chest, trying to fight a bit of the chill.

When I left Brin’s this morning needing open space and fresh air, and a conversation with my brother, I didn’t grab anything more than my sweater.

The cold helps me stay focused and present.

I’m beyond exhausted. I spent the entire night crying, falling asleep when I’d worn myself out, only to wake up a while later and realize I couldn’t just roll over into Everett’s arms and started crying again.

Hannah’s words wrap around me as though they’re floating on the breeze.

Love isn’t easy.

Love is one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience.

Loving someone comes with fear every day.

The way both Grayson and Hannah talked about loving each other and the way I’ve gotten to witness it not just here, but in the way they talk about each other when I call them or when we video call and they do little things for each other has me finally settling on love is worth the fear.

Love is worth the fear and the tears, because all of the goods, the laughter, smiles, memories, silences spent together, will always overshadow the rest. The downs may be hard and kick you in the Achillies heel, but they will never compare to the rest of it.

To the food fights in the kitchen, the tickle wars in the morning, watching Lila ride a horse and learn new tricks, watching Everett pretend to hate whatever romcom I put on when he’s secretly invested.

To waking up in his arms, knowing he won’t let anything happen to me.

I close my eyes and smile as I remember the feeling of his lips dusting against my temple as he whispers, “Good morning.”

When I open my eyes, my shoulders relax and I know I’m resolved in my decision.

I’m not giving up. I needed my moment to be in my feelings and to process everything and what it means, but I’m done now.

I’m going to tell Everett I made a ridiculous and rash decision and hope I didn’t hurt him too much.

I stand and wipe the sand off my ass and turn to start making my way back to my car, but I stop in my tracks when I see Everett stepping out of the trees.

“Everett,” I say so quietly I don’t know how he hears it, but his head spins to me immediately, and I can’t help my smile.

Before I know it, I’m sprinting. My feet dig into the sand as I rush to Everett as fast as I can, jumping when I’m close enough, and he catches me as I wrap my arms and legs around him.

“I was just on my way to come find you,” I whisper, burying my face in his neck .

Everett holds me as if he’s trying to fuse us together to ensure I never leave him again.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble into his neck, and he kisses the first part of skin his lips can find. “I’m sorry I didn’t force myself to process at the house and made the decision to run away.”

He squeezes me, and I hope this means he’ll hear me out more and forgive me.

I unlock my ankles from behind his back, and he tentatively lets me slide down his front. I keep my hands on his arms, needing some sort of connection to him after I forced myself to go without.

These last thirty-six hours have taught me the difference between time apart where you know you’ll see the other person again, like all the twenty-four hour shifts Everett’s worked since we’ve been together, versus when you believe you won’t.

The former is manageable, more of a “distance makes the heart grow fonder” rather than a “crush your heart” kind of way.

“Can we sit and talk?” I ask, and he nods.

We sit a few paces away. I don’t face the water the way I usually would. I sit facing him, hands in my lap as I fidget with my fingers, trying to gather the words I need to say. I thought I’d at least have the drive back to his place to gather myself properly.

“I’m still scared,” I start, and Everett reaches out, taking my hand and running his thumb across the back of it.

I know that even if Everett wasn’t a quiet man, he still wouldn’t be saying anything right now, giving me the time and space to gather myself and say what I need to, and that thought has the corner of my lips pulling up slightly.

“I’ve spent so much of my life in a safe little bubble.

Growing up in a small town where nothing really happened, only leaving for university, and even that was sheltered.

It was on a campus on the outskirts of the city, and I didn’t venture into downtown as much as I thought I would when I moved.

The worst thing I’ve experienced didn’t even happen directly to me, I was on the periphery of it, watching the devastation people I loved were experiencing. ”

I flip my hand and intertwine my fingers with Everett’s the best I can at this angle.

“But running won’t make me stop loving you or Lila.

It’s not going to make the pain any better or go away.

Missing you will be this dull pain I’d have to carry around with me for the rest of my life, and I don’t want that.

I want all the good times that outweigh the fear.

I want to make dinner with you that turns into a food fight.

I want to cuddle on the couch while Lila lays on the floor enraptured by the movie we’re watching.

I want inside jokes and to celebrate milestones.

At the end of a long day, I want to climb into bed and be wrapped in your arms as you kiss and hold me.

I want to hear you call me North while I tell you I love you. ”

Everett cups my face and stares into my eyes, and that’s when I see the wetness in his.

He stares at me reverently and blinks, a tear running down his cheek.

My eyes track that small droplet that’s a physical representation of how he feels.

He doesn’t need to say anything. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes and letting myself just feel, being in the moment with him.

When I open my eyes, I move closer and straddle his legs. “Can you forgive me for leaving the way I did? For letting the fear take over?”

He kisses me softly and tucks my hair behind my ear. “North, we’re allowed to need time to process. I don’t fault you for that. I just ask that next time you need a little space to be in your head, you tell me and you do it while you spend the night under our roof.”

His thumb strokes my cheek, and I lean into his touch.

“I slept like shit last night knowing you weren’t home.

Lila knew something was up and crawled into bed with me.

I watched her most of the night, thankful for her, but also knowing that part of our family, part of what makes us us now, was somewhere else.

Chloe, you belong with us. You’re the home we both needed.

The safe place to land and the somewhere we can be truly ourselves, and I only hope that we’re that for you.

That no matter what happens or when the fear takes root, you know we are where you’re safest in this world. ”

I place my hands on either side of his face and whisper, “You are,” before kissing him. Our kiss is anything but rushed. It’s slow and savouring, like we’re drawing a map of each other, taking our time to find every little thing.

Everett’s hands wrap around me, pulling me in close. I melt into him, fusing my body to his as his hands roam over my back. His hands aren’t sexually exploring, they’re moving as if to reassure him that I’m right here.

I break the kiss and rest my forehead against his as we both work to catch our breath. “Will you sit here with me for a while? Just hold me as we watch the water?”

He nods. “Of course, North.”

With a kiss to my forehead, he helps me as I shuffle off him and he spreads his legs so I can settle between them, my back to his chest as he wraps his arms around me.

I know I’ve done some damage to us and we’ll have to talk about it more.

I can’t just snap my fingers and expect everything to go back to the way it was, but I know Everett will be there with me, working on it with me.