Page 39 of Falling into Place

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Brooks

When I’m at a loss for how to manage a patient, I phone a friend. Medicine isn’t independent work, it’s a group project. You’ve got access to a whole host of experts and specialists in this building, so for the sake of every patient you take care of, use them every chance you get.

—Dr. Brooks Martin to the critical-care fellows, last winter

Brooks peeled his eyes open in tiny increments, allowing his pupils to adjust to the light and the room to slowly come into focus.

His temples throbbed and his mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls.

His stomach was on edge, and it was a toss-up whether he was hungry or needed to vomit.

Puffy eyes and a dry throat rounded out the disgraced picture he must make.

Oh, and he really had to pee.

He grunted as he rolled to the side and put his feet on the floor.

Easy . Definitely not hungry.

Oreo jumped onto the bed with ease and sat on his haunches, staring with his flat copper gaze.

“Don’t judge me.”

He used the restroom and after washing his hands, planted his palms beside the sink and locked his elbows, studying his reflection in the mirror.

He hated himself.

It had been a day and a half since Coach had died and he’d shown up at Carly’s door.

He didn’t even remember driving to her apartment yesterday morning.

He’d called Linda to deliver the news himself, and her anguished howl would be burned into his brain forever.

He’d just sort of left the hospital in a haze and found himself there, like going anywhere else hadn’t even occurred to him.

She was the only person he’d wanted to see. He’d just wanted to be in her general vicinity and nothing more. To hug her and hear her voice and lie down beside her and sleep for days with her body breathing and living next to his.

But as he’d lain there with her in his arms, his lips on her hair and her sweet breath warm against his chest, the excruciating hole in his chest hadn’t abated.

Not even a little.

Maybe grief turned him a little mad, or maybe the frenzy had been there all along and he’d just suppressed it.

Either way, he’d ended up using her body to drive away the demons, chasing the relief only sex could bring, even if just for a moment.

It hadn’t worked out for him the way it used to, though.

With Carly, it wasn’t just about the physical. It never had been.

He was in love with her. When he closed his eyes, he saw her, and when he went to sleep, he dreamed of her.

No part of him wanted to be apart from her, even the dark ones.

And that was the whole problem. Even as he was sinking lower and lower, he just pulled her along with him.

Instead of talking about what had happened or how he was feeling, he’d fucked her to forget.

When that didn’t work, and the combined memories of Linda and his dad’s reactions to learning the loves of their lives were gone forever pushed front and center in his brain, he’d panicked.

As much as he’d told himself she wasn’t, Carly had become that person for him.

Someone he couldn’t imagine living without, and he’d resonated more with his dad in that moment than ever before.

All the events of the day had crashed down on him, and that last realization had been too much. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

He’d come home, gotten drunk, and stayed that way. One look at his phone showed she’d called and texted a few times, probably checking on him.

He hadn’t even noticed, and obviously hadn’t responded.

Sinking to his haunches, he ran his hands through his hair. He’d snuck out of her apartment like a coward and basically ghosted her.

She had to be furious. He would be.

As he considered how he might be able to fix this, a tiny voice asked if he should even try.

Carly deserved more than a man who could hang around when things were good but randomly disappeared when his emotions got too big to handle.

He obviously had issues. He’d known it from the start and should have known better than to let himself fall into a false sense of security with Carly. He’d just ignored all the reasons he’d avoided relationships in the past, and at the first sign of discomfort, slipped back into his comfort zone.

Clearly, a few weeks of bliss didn’t translate to long-term-relationship capability.

At the sound of his doorbell, his heart stopped. Was it her?

He shot back up to a standing position way faster than advisable in his current condition. He had to pause so he wouldn’t vomit, and the doorbell rang again before he slowly shuffled his way through the house and answered the door.

Sasha reared back and put a hand over her nose. “My God.”

“You act like you’ve never smelled whiskey before,” he said flatly. It was probably coming out of his pores at this point.

“I hope you’re not supposed to be at work right now.”

He wasn’t, thank God.

Macy glared at her sister and stepped forward to envelop Brooks in a hug.

“Don’t jostle me,” he warned.

She ignored him. “We heard about Coach.”

“News travels fast.”

Macy pulled back but left her hands on his shoulders. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

She nodded as if she’d figured as much.

He moved to the side to let them in. He eyed Sasha carefully, because other than his email to her with his final piece for the magazine, they hadn’t spoken since the day she discovered Carly at his house. But when he sat down on the couch, she sat beside him and leaned into him.

“What can we do?” she asked.

“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“When did it happen?” Macy asked.

“Yesterday morning. Early. Linda’s a mess.”

“I bet,” Macy said. “It was a shock.”

He nodded.

“Why didn’t you call us?” Sasha asked. “Did you just come straight home and start drinking?”

“I went to Carly’s first.”

Sasha stiffened, and he laughed humorlessly.

“You don’t need to worry about that anymore, Sash. I’m pretty sure I fucked that up.”

“What?” she asked at the same time Macy said, “What do you mean?”

He propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m in love with her.”

Sasha gasped. “You’re what?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t believe it, either.”

They sat with that for a minute.

“Why is that a bad thing?” Macy asked gently.

“Because I don’t know how to do this. Because it terrifies me.

I don’t know how to talk about things that are hard for me, and one of those things is the fact that I watched Dad waste away because of love and that’s why I never wanted any part of it.

I’ve actively avoided it my entire adult life.

I didn’t mean to fall for Carly, but now that I have, I can’t imagine letting her go.

But it’s like there’s two halves of me, and it’s anyone’s guess which one will win on any given day.

The guy that’s optimistic and thinks he can figure this out versus the one who knows better and who reminds me I’m nowhere near partner material.

The second one’s the guy who showed up to Carly’s yesterday.

The man that pulled me out of my self-destruction had died right in front of me, and I took that as an invitation to slide right back into it. ”

He swallowed hard, staring blankly at the dark TV across from him.

Sasha squeezed his shoulder, and Macy moved from the chair to his other side, her palm on his back.

The attempts at comfort were futile at this point, but he appreciated their presence all the same. He was so damned lucky to have them.

“You’re not back in it,” Macy said. “High School Brooks wouldn’t even be having this conversation with us.”

He rolled that around in his mind for a moment.

That was true.

“You’re different now,” Sasha said from his other side.

“You had a bad day because something terrible happened. You’re human.

But look, you recognize it wasn’t the healthiest way to react and you’ll do better next time.

What did you do to mess things up with Carly, anyway?

Did you pick a fight with her?” Sasha asked.

“No.”

He felt Macy’s concentration on his face. “Did you upset her, somehow?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I haven’t talked to her.”

Sasha frowned. “Wait, so when you went to her place ...?”

He twisted the heel of his hand into his forehead.

“Listen. I was in a bad place when I showed up there. I wouldn’t talk to her about what happened even though I know she wanted me to.

She was wonderful and took care of me, and after she fell asleep I panicked and snuck out.

She was obviously worried after she woke up and called me several times, but by that point I was drunk or passed out. ”

Sasha gave him a disappointed look that was eerily similar to their late mother’s.

“Well, yeah. You acted like an ass. But you’re not giving her enough credit.

She’s not into drama and wants to get to the bottom of things.

You made a mistake and need to grovel, but saying you fucked up the whole relationship—which is still super weird to think about, by the way—seems a little overdramatic.

She’s a reasonable person and you just need to talk to her. ”

He’d never groveled before, but not because he’d never messed up. Usually his mistakes negatively affected him more than anyone else. He’d never hurt someone he cared so much about to the point that he needed to make amends.

“I don’t know how.”

“Dammit, Brooks,” Sasha snapped.

He startled, and glanced over at Macy. Her eyes were wide, too.

“I’m so tired of hearing you say I can’t or I don’t know how when it comes to your own happiness.

I know how you are at work, and I know you’d never give up like that on your patients.

No matter how bad the situation is, you’ll keep working and keep digging and press on to find answers or anything that might help, even when the chance of success is next to nothing.

Why is it you never afford yourself that kind of determination? ”

I don’t know was on the tip of his tongue, but he thought that might piss her off even more. It might have been a rhetorical question anyway, because she kept right on going.

“Figure it the hell out, okay? Ask for help. Go to therapy. Read a self-help book. Don’t you have resources at work for this sort of thing?”

He did. He’d just never used them.

“If you really want to be that optimistic guy and tell the other one to get lost, you can , but it’s gonna take some work.

If you want to be the kind of man Carly deserves and that will give you both a happy life together, you have to face your issues head-on.

If you think you weren’t a good partner yesterday, start being one today, and an even better one tomorrow.

Do the work to make yourself worthy of this woman.

Because deep down, I know you are. You’re not broken beyond repair, you’re just a little rusty in a few places. ”

He just stared at her, mouth ajar.

“Damn, Sasha,” Macy said, pride shining in her tone. “That was ...”

“Awesome and kind of harsh,” Brooks filled in, then double-checked with Macy to make sure. “It was, right? I might still be a little drunk, so I can’t be sure I read it right.”

“It was,” Macy confirmed. “The perfect mix of encouragement and tough love. I couldn’t have done it better, myself.”

Sasha lifted one shoulder. “I call it like I see it.”

“You know who else used to talk to me like that?”

“Coach?” Sasha guessed.

“Well, yeah,” he admitted. “But I was talking about Mom.”

Both of his sisters’ faces softened.

“She was good at that,” Macy said. “Sometimes too good.”

“There were times I couldn’t tell if she was proud of me or mad at me,” Sasha said with a laugh.

“Exactly,” Brooks said. “That’s what that just felt like.” He mimicked her higher pitched voice. “You’re a disaster, Brooks. Like, an absolute catastrophe. But I think you can fix it, probably. Good luck with it.”

Macy laughed, and Sasha just regarded him without a trace of repentance.

“You’d have gotten there eventually, I think, but present circumstances have given you an opportunity to step it up right here and now,” she said. “And if you think Carly’s worth the effort, you don’t have another choice.”