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22

Fane

Before

“I can’t do anymore.” I was holding onto the sides of the treadmill with a death grip, my words made infinitely more dramatic by Cali’s playlist blasting from the gym speakers with “Mess It Up” by Gracie Abrams on repeat.

I might never admit it, but her playlists had grown on me. Her taste in music had infiltrated my Spotify so thoroughly that I hadn’t really had a choice at the start, but I could admit to belting out a country song or two in the shower now.

“We’ve been running for twenty minutes.” Cali guffawed from her spot beside me, hardly breaking a sweat. “And you’ve run longer than this.”

“Run, yes,” I panted, “You’ve been sprinting.”

“This is not a sprint.” She waved one slender hand in my direction.

I glared at her. “It really fucking is.” I smacked the emergency stop button on the treadmill, and just before it stopped, I let it take me, depositing me in a sad pile of fucking sadness on the gym floor.

“Oh my fuck.” I think there were actual tears pouring out of my eyes. “Just take me now,” I whimpered.

“Fane Mackenzie, are you crying?”

I cracked an eye open to find Cali leaning over me.

“No.” I was definitely crying.

“You said you could outrun me.” She jutted a hip out and raised one dark brow.

“ Run ,” I emphasized. “Not sprint like we’re being chased by the walking dead.”

“For such a big, scary-looking guy, you’re a bit of a softie.”

“There’s nothing soft about me.” I frowned at her, doing my best to flex my arms even though I was about to fucking die.

“Oh yeah?” A little grin started to spread on her face. I was intimately familiar with that look. I reached up and gripped her hips, pulling her down onto me with a squeal.

“Fane!” She slapped two hands onto my chest. “This is a public gym.” She looked around, her brows furrowed.

“And it’s close to midnight. No one is here.”

“That doesn’t mean we should—”

“I’m not going to fuck you at the gym, Rose.” I kept my hands gripped on her hips, bringing my chest flush with hers. “I just wanted to prove to you how incredibly not soft I am.” I kept my hold on her firm, grinding her down along the hard length of my cock.

“This is…inappropriate.”

“You gave me your fuck me eyes first.”

“I did not—”

“Liars get punished, baby.”

“Well,” she swallowed, chest rising faster with each passing second. “In that case, I definitely didn’t.”

I started to lean up, intent on stealing a kiss before I left her to her running to finish up with my weights while I thought about all the ways I would, in fact, punish her so deliciously when we got home when she leaned back a little. A look of complete and total seriousness on her face.

“Are we going to talk about it?” she murmured, eyes softening, fingers twining together around the back of my neck.

“About what?”

“Stupid doesn’t suit you, Fane.” She gave me an eyeroll and hopped off me.

“I just don’t think going to see her is a good idea.” I scratched at my eyebrow before getting to my feet. It was my mom’s birthday on Sunday, and though I tried to make it home to visit her for that day every year, I wasn’t sure I should anymore.

“You’re her son,” Cali said softly, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Like it should be enough.

But it wasn’t. Not for her. Not for me.

“I know I remind her of him,” I muttered, my voice rougher than I intended and she flinched at the bitterness, and guilt twisted low in my gut.

“I didn’t mean—”

“No.” I cut her off, forcing a long breath. “You’re right.”

Cali didn’t look away, her steady gaze digging into the parts of me I kept locked down. “When you picture a future where you don’t see her anymore, what do you feel?”

Relief.

The word sat heavy on my tongue. Shame curdled in my chest because what kind of son feels relief at the thought of losing his mother?

Cali walked over to me, winding her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my chest. “You’ve decided already.”

“I have.” I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Grounding myself in her softness. Her goodness .

“Don’t you think she deserves a real goodbye?” She pressed her cheek to my chest, and I rested my head on top of hers.

“She does,” I murmured, dropping a kiss onto the top of her head.

The next morning, I parked right outside my childhood home. I could never understand why she didn’t just leave. Sell it, and find something else. Move on. But then I thought that maybe it gave her a sense of strength, taking back her life in the house that almost took it from her.

To me, it remained like a ghost, tethered to the spot in which it stood, unable to move on from the horrors it witnessed.

“Want me to wait here?” Cali asked, hand squeezing mine where I held it in her lap.

“No, I want her to meet you.” I didn’t let go of her hand when we walked up the path to the house, my grip on her fingers tightening with the anxiety that built with every step I took. I wasn’t overly surprised that my mom opened the door before I even had the chance to knock.

She looked good. Healthy. Happy.

I think that should have eased something inside me, but it didn’t. I didn’t know anything about her life. I didn’t do a whole lot of reaching out, and neither did she, but when she looked at me, the traces of happiness I did see flickered.

“Fane.” Her voice was soft and sweet, and even though I looked just like her—same dark brown hair, same violet eyes—I knew I was a reminder of everything that had been her hellish reality for seventeen years.

“Hey, Mom.” I stopped just short of the front door, my heart in my throat. Clearing it didn’t help. It just emphasized the strain of being there. “Happy birthday.” I handed her the flowers we’d picked up on the way here.

“Thank you, sweetie.” She took them and held them close to her chest like a shield. A much needed defense. I don’t think it escaped Cali that she wasn’t inviting us in.

“Mom, this is Cali.” I gestured, watching her eyes move from me to her. Watching them soften ever so slightly.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Cali. I’m Georgia.” She stuck her hand out, but Cali being Cali, she just went for it. Arms stretched out, she pulled my mom into one of her milk and honey scented hugs. She was rigid at first, but slowly she softened into Cali’s hold. Arms coming up and around her.

“I can’t tell you how nice it is to meet you,” Cali said, her voice thick with the emotion she always wore on her sleeve.

“I didn’t know Fane had a girlfriend.” Her eyes flicked to mine, and I saw the guilt there at how nonexistent our relationship was.

“Not much of a talker, this guy.” Cali pointed her thumb at me before rolling her eyes. “Dancing though, he excels at.”

My mom barked a laugh before a hand flew up to cover her mouth, her eyes widening like she couldn’t believe she’d just done that. “Really?”

“Scouts honor, Georgia.” Cali’s smile was stunning.

We stood there for probably twenty minutes talking.

Well, I didn’t say a word. I only watched the easy conversation they had fallen into, the way Cali could do with anyone. When it was all said and done, my mother clutched the flowers a little closer to her chest, her eyes flicking to me for a second before they settled on Cali.

“I…I hope he treats you well, Cali.”

Her words hit harder than I expected, confirmation that she worried I was just like him. That I could ever be anything like him. My jaw tightened, but before I could say anything, I felt Cali’s arms wrap around my waist. Her gaze found mine, steady and sure.

“Your son is the best man I’ve ever met,” she whispered, giving her answer to me instead of my mom, like she knew I needed it more. “Of the two of us, I’m the lucky one, and I’ll never let him forget it.”

Her eyes swam with tears before she reached up on her toes to press a kiss to my jaw before turning back to my mom. “It was nice to meet you.” With that, she turned and headed back for the car, giving me the moment she knew I needed.

“Fane—”

“I get it,” I said, cutting her off gently. “You don’t really know me.” My smile was sad, but genuine.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her grip tightening on the flowers until they began to bend. It was clear to me she was apologising for more than the exchange she just had with Cali.

A frown settled into the divet of my brow, my eyes locked to the toes of my boots while snippets of our life together flickered through my mind. It took a minute, but eventually I looked back at my mother and I nodded, “Me too.”

“So—

“I’m not going to come back after this.” There was no better way to do it than just rip off the band-aid. She didn’t say anything, and I knew I didn’t imagine the way her shoulders lowered a little, like she was relieved too.

“I’ll always love you, but…” I turned around, catching Cali’s eyes through the window of the car. “But I don’t think either of us can do more than what we’ve already done.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Her body swayed like she wanted to step forward or maybe retreat back.

“That’s okay.” I gave her another smile before I took my own step back. There wasn’t really anything else to say. Sometimes this is what it looked like to put the people you loved first, to put yourself first.

It looked like letting go and walking away.

I hadn’t expected her to rush for me, to wrap her hands around me. It shocked me so much that my arms were frozen in the air, and I twisted my head around to look at Cali with what I knew was overwhelming panic in my eyes. She mimed wrapping her arms around someone before pointing at my mom, so I did.

I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight while I felt her small, silent shakes. When she pulled back, she nodded at me, the violet eyes she’d given to me looking clearer. Focused.

“A clean break.” She nodded.

I didn’t say anything, this was her moment to work through what I already had.

“You’ll be okay.” It was a statement because we both knew I’d learned the consequences of what needing her looked like. Not for me, but for her. I hadn’t made that mistake again.

“So will you.” It had been a long time since she needed me too.

With that, she watched me for a second longer before gently picking up her flowers and walking back into her house, not looking back as she shut the door behind her.

Cali had tears running down her face when I got back into the car. She dove across the console, her face crushed to the crook of my neck. “Are you okay?” I could feel her tears seeping into the cotton of my shirt.

“Look at me.” I waited for her to pull back, my hand still running up and down the length of her spine.

“I have my whole world right here in this car.”

“But she’s your mom .”

“And we’ll be better apart.” I swiped a tear off her cheek, my chest tightening at the heart of this woman, and how I was lucky enough to be one of the people she handed a piece of it to.

“Are you sure?” she whispered, the confusion on her brow a dead giveaway that what I’d just done wasn’t something she might ever be able to comprehend.

“It starts and ends with you, and I’ve never needed anything more than that. You’re it.”

That look didn’t disappear, but it was joined with another. One I was familiar with. That same one she wore when she told me that after a lifetime of never having a safe place to land, she’d be that for me. Cali nodded, wiping her eyes. “Okay.”

“Okay,” I repeated, kissing her temple before she settled back into her seat and threaded her fingers through mine, not letting go the entire way home.

For the first time in my life, I felt free.