Page 95 of Facing the Enemy

How did she know? “Yes. I have no idea who or what is behind this case, and that’s my job to uncover it.”

“And what about Special Agent Luke Reardon’s murder?”

I gasped. “Yes.” Finding him in my bathtub with the unspoken message of a blue baby blanket might haunt me forever.

“Do you blame yourself for every unsolved crime?”

I closed my eyes. I hadn’t ever focused on the other ... missing children ... hurting parents ... trafficked youth. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“I think you do.”

Face the truth, Risa.“As a perfectionist, my answer may be closer to yes.”

“Repeat these words aloud—I have no power over other peoples’ actions or choices.”

I closed my eyes again and said the words.

“Do you believe them?”

“I want to.”

“For you to be perfect, you must be faultless, ideal, and exempt of flaws. Do you have those qualities?”

“No.”

“Do you believe God’s love is conditional?”

“No.” The tears flowed, and I couldn’t stop them.

“Too often we have more difficulty forgiving ourselves than forgiving what others do to us. If we are unwilling to forgive ourselves, we are in effect telling God His Son’s sacrifice didn’t do the job. His death wasn’t enough. Do you want to carry that burden?” When I responded no, she continued. “There is no reason for you to bear the load of unforgiveness of yourself in any past or present events. You are a beloved child of God. If you agree, simply nod.”

For the first time, I accepted the truth.

For the first time, I felt free of my own condemnation.

For the first time, I sensed God’s love with no stipulations.

“Does God work for good or evil?” Dr. Looney said.

“Good,” I whispered. “I believe Trenton is with Him. I prayed for Jack, and he’s recovering.”

“Is God to blame for doing good?”

I shook my head.

“The driver of the car had his own agenda. Does he care if you hate him?”

“No. He probably enjoys the idea.”

“Refusing to forgive him will only keep peace at a distance. Do you have the courage to forgive?”

I sensed the walls I’d built start to crumble. “Not yet. I want to, but I can’t.”

Dr. Looney allowed me to sit in silence for a few moments longer. “Risa, healing takes time. You’ve come a long way today, and I know the rest will come. I can give you the green light for active duty based on seeing you every other day for the next ten business days. At the end of our five sessions, I’ll determine if more are needed.”

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GAGE