Page 16 of Explorer’s Revenge

FIFTEEN

AIYARET

I should be asleep. My body is tired after a long day of trekking through the jungle, but my mind is wide awake.

A change in the atmosphere or location and I struggle to sleep, worried old trauma will rise.

After years in this job, you would think it would get better, but no.

It’s just something I have grown accustomed to.

I love this occupation and my brothers enough to endure it.

Besides, I feel safer out here with them than I ever did in a bedroom in the city, with too many doors and locks to keep me in.

I still wear the scars from my childhood like brands, but it’s the mental ones I can never escape.

I haven’t spoken to the others about what happened, but they’ve put enough pieces together.

I also know they try their best to protect me, so it doesn’t surprise me that when I get up to sit by the fire, wrapping my bag around me, Way finds his way to me, ducking under the material to share the heat.

“Can’t sleep?” he asks after a moment, his voice low so he doesn’t wake the others.

I shake my head, unable to look at him, ashamed of how fragile my mind is. I feel like I’m their weakness. It must be exhausting always having to protect and monitor me, but they have never complained. They just call themselves my brothers and hold me until I’m better.

I’m not the only one with issues. Normal people don’t choose to do what we do. We are all trying to escape something, be it our pasts, our minds, or how we feel.

We look for answers in the unknown, and we find the beauty in what others deem terrifying.

I suppose most people look for guidance and answers in the mundane, but not us. We search mountains, explore caves, swim in oceans, and scale glaciers in search of them. They call us adrenaline junkies, but they don’t see the peace we find together in nature.

“Memories?” he asks after a moment.

“My mind is just too loud to relax,” I murmur softly. “It’s always like this. I’ll be okay, go back to bed.”

“Not a chance, we’re brothers.” He moves closer. “You’re up, so I’m up.”

I know Way misses his brother, and he envies the bond Rick and Wilder have. Every time he calls us “brother,” it’s tinged with both sadness and happiness.

Yes, we all have our own demons.

We sit in silence for a bit, and I feel him looking at me, his eyes running over my face.

He’s started to do that more, and I don’t know why, but it makes me nervous.

When I glance over, he meets my eyes as his hand slides over the jungle floor and grips mine.

I turn mine over and twine our fingers. Something about it makes my cheeks heat, and the small smile he aims my way dazzles me for a moment.

Way is handsome, and he knows it. When we are like this, it’s my favorite time of the day.

He always seeks me out in the dark, sleeping by my side, waking with every nightmare, and sitting with me on sleepless nights.

I don’t know why. Is it because he wants to protect me like he couldn’t protect his brother?

His smile slowly drops, and I swear his gaze slips down my face, though I’m not sure why. When his eyes meet mine again, they are filled with something that scares me as much as it has me holding his hand tighter.

A snore breaks the moment, filling the air and making us jolt apart, and it’s only then I realize we were leaning into each other.

Another snore makes us look back, and Logan turns in his hammock, his arms windmilling for a second as he almost falls before he rights himself and goes straight back to snoring.

Shaking my head, I look at the fire as Way chuckles. “Some things never change.”

“Some things do,” I reply, and I feel him staring at me again. It’s different this time, questioning, but I’m not sure why.

“Did you really speak to Carter? Like, actually manage to speak to her?” Way murmurs, and I hear the shock in his words. I don’t blame him. I’ve never been able to before.

Pursing my lips, I nod. “For a little bit. Nothing important, she was just making jokes and trying to get to know me.”

It was a passing moment for her, but it was a big, momentous occasion for me.

We brushed past each other on the way to the offices.

Her body touched mine, and I usually would have gone into a meltdown, but she looked at me and smiled, and something about it seemed to calm my racing heart. I barely remember what she said, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from staring at her. I should have walked away, but I lingered.

When she went to slap my side after a joke, however, I stepped back. Her expression hadn’t changed, no offense was taken, but something in her eyes seemed knowing, and I hated that.

“And?” Way prompts when I say no more.

“I didn’t have a panic attack,” I tell him.

“Aiy, that’s huge,” he whispers. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I figured it was just a freak moment and it wasn’t important,” I mutter.

“Of course it’s important. You’re doing so great with healing and moving on. I’m proud of you for not running from her.” There is pure pride in his voice, and when I glance at him, he’s grinning widely.

“Why?” I ask, my voice thick. “Why are you proud of me for doing what others can do without thinking?”

“Fuck others. I don’t care about them. I care about you. This was a big deal, so of course I’m proud of you. I want you to be happy, Aiyaret.” The way he says my name, rolling his tongue over it, sends a shiver through me that I can’t explain. “I want you to be able to live the life you want.”

“It was just a conversation,” I remind him.

“Yes, but tomorrow, it could be a meeting, and the next, it could be a hangout. The time after, who knows?” He nudges my shoulder. “I want you to be happy, brother.”

I stare at him again, wondering what he means.

He wants me to be happy . . . like, with someone?

With a woman?

As I stare at him, I start to wonder. If he or I were a girl, would this be different? I don’t know, but I look away at the strange thought.

“I want you to be happy too,” I murmur. Way has . . . flings, not relationships. He never lets anyone get too close. He gives them part of his life, not all, but not us—we get everything.

I get it all, but I’m his brother, so that’s normal.

“One day, this will all change.” I don’t realize I’m speaking out loud until his voice comes.

“What do you mean?”

“One day, Wilder will settle down, or Rick will, hell, even you or Logan. We’ll slowly splinter apart.

We’ll go from living with each other and seeing each other every day to once a week, then a month .

. . then on holidays. We’ll get normal jobs and have families.

” Well, they will, not me. “We’ll forget all about these adventures and the way it felt when we were on them.

That’s what happens, right? People calm down and move on, but I’ll still be here, waiting for all of you. Our brotherhood will change.”

“Change is the only constant in the world, Aiy, but we will never leave or forget you,” he promises, and when I glance at him, he grabs my hand tighter.

“I promise. There is no breaking us apart. I will go wherever you go. If the others . . . If they do eventually settle down and start a family or whatever, you’ll still have me.

I’m not going anywhere, but neither are they.

Not everyone wants that type of life, Aiyaret.

It might be normal for some, but not for us.

We’ve never done anything the traditional way.

We’ll be out in jungles and mountains until they have to force us into graves. ”

“Really?”

“Really. We’ll be in hospital beds side by side, and when the time comes, we’ll go together. Nothing in this world can separate us, Aiyaret, be it time or age. We are in this for the long run,” he vows, and I know he means it. “Do you believe me?”

I nod silently, and he smiles brightly. “Brothers,” I whisper.

“Brothers,” he agrees, but why does the word feel like we are saying something else?

Dragging my eyes away, I focus on the low flames of the fire as our friends and brothers sleep around us.

His arm slides around my shoulders, and I rest my head against him. He holds me as time passes, letting me soak in his warmth.

After a while, something makes me lift my head and peer into the jungle. There’s no change in the noise or any movement, but something made me look, and an unknown fear courses through me for a moment.

“What is it?” Way murmurs.

“Something is watching us,” I whisper. The hair on the back of my neck rises, and an old instinct kicks in—the one that kept me alive.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“I don’t know, but . . . I think something is watching us,” I reply quietly.

Way gazes into the jungle, picking up a flashlight and shining it in the trees before glancing at me when neither of us sees anything.

“There’s nothing there. It’s just that captain getting in your head with tales of boogeymen and curses.

Don’t let him spook you . . . like that time in Berlin with the ghost, or in New Zealand with the made-up creature stalking the night.

There’s nothing here but ruins and history,” he assures me.

“You have enough horrors in your life, Aiy, so don’t make any more up. ”

I look back at the trees, the fear not going away.

History has a way of clawing at you, even from the past. I know that all too well.