Page 45

THE LONG GOODBYE

Dean

I never expected this to be easy. I heard Judge Martinez loud and clear when she warned us about the ugliness of custody trials. I was ready to hear awful, hateful things about the man I love and have to sit back and bite my tongue because this fight is what’s best for my family.

I didn’t expect it to be this hard.

I didn’t expect the blinding rage I’d feel towards the opposing counsel and his pretentious gray pin-striped suit and shiny black wing-tip shoes.

I didn’t expect the fire roaring under my skin, begging me to cross the room, wrap my hands around Joseph Connelly’s neck and squeeze until the life leaves his eyes .

I especially didn’t expect my body to betray me and potentially ruin everything, but here we are.

Since the moment this hearing started, I’ve been a powder keg.

Right in the middle of Joseph’s testimony, every cell in my body decided it has had enough.

Just a second ago, I stood, banging my fist into the heavy wooden table in front of me, causing an echo and the feedback of microphones to pierce the otherwise quiet room.

“Mr. McKenna, I advise that you have a seat and wait until you’re called upon to speak,” Judge Martinez says to me with a warning tone that should have me shivering, but I can’t have a seat. I’ve lost control of myself, and I can’t stop.

“Lemmie, Mellie, and Ollie. Those are their names. Not “the children”. Not “future tradwives of America”. Lemmie, Mellie, and Ollie. And you know nothing about them, do you? All this time, you’ve done nothing but harass Luke and me.

You’ve stalked us and ran smear campaigns and dragged us into this ridiculous circus, and for what? For three kids you don’t even know.

“Do you know what level Lemmie and Mellie are at in ballet? Did you know they have a family of racoons that they feed in the backyard or that they asked me to build them a house with a security camera so they could keep an eye on them at night? They named them Cupcake, Marbles, and Stinky Pete. We check the app on my phone together every morning to make sure they had a good night's sleep safe from coyotes, and they decorated the shelter with drawings they did at school. Did you know when Ollie got her first tooth or that she babbles directly into the baby monitor every morning until I come to get her? And when I open the door, she stretches her little arms out to me and squeals, like it’s the best part of her day. It’s the best part of mine.

And did you know that she won’t drink from her sippy cup unless someone cheers with her first?

“Of course you don’t. Because you don’t know our kids, and they don’t know you.

They might share your blood. They might share the same blonde hair as your wife and some of your DNA, but those girls are not your family.

They’re mine. They’re Gigi’s and Luke’s and my daughters.

We are their parents. We’re the ones who brush their hair and play nail salon and read them bedtime stories.

We’re the ones who teach them how to make empanadas and throw a football.

We’re the ones they come to when they’re scared or happy or frustrated.

The five of us? Luke, Lemmie, Mellie, Ollie and me?

We’re a family. And you have no business trying to fuck that up. ”

The courtroom goes so quiet, I can hear the labored breaths of my husband in his chair next to me.

I can feel the fury of our lawyer and the lasers she’s shooting me with her eyes, even if I’m not looking back.

And I see the sick, twisted smirk on Joseph Connelly’s face that tells me I’m the one who has just fucked up.

All this time, they’ve been trying to paint Luke as angry, unstable, incapable of providing safety for three children.

And I went and proved them right. But it’s not Luke who’s angry and unstable. It’s me.

“Court is adjourned for a twenty minute recess. Mr. McKenna, I’d like to speak with you in my chambers. Privately.”

I don’t look back at Luke as I follow Judge Martinez out of the room. I don’t even spare him a passing glance when he squeezes my hand before letting go.

Instead, I straighten my shoulders and walk with my head held high towards what I’m sure is the beginning of my long goodbye.

Judge Martinez’s chambers are much cozier than the courtroom where we’ve spent the better part of the day.

The walls are a cool blue that feels like a balm to my nervous system after the harsh oranges and browns of the rest of the building.

There are plants of all varieties in every corner and hanging from the ceiling.

The couch is littered with comfy-looking pillows and a fluffy blanket strewn over the back.

And on the desk, a digital frame cycles through what I assume are photos of her children and grandchildren.

“Mr. McKenna, I warned you when we began that tensions grow high in a custody hearing,” she says as she rounds her desk, shuffling her long black robe as she sits on the corner in front of me.

The velvet high-back chair I’m in has a comfortable seat, but it’s weirdly low to the ground and makes me feel like I’m sitting on one of the child-sized stools in Lemmie and Mellie’s preschool class.

“I understand, Your Honor. It’s not like me to lose my temper like that.

I let the stress of the day get to me, and that was wrong.

I cannot apologize enough for causing a scene in your courtroom.

” I hang my head low as I speak, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of watching Judge Judy, the best way to approach a judge is to act like you’re a sad dog who is full of remorse and ready to accept their punishment.

“Mr. McKenna, I’ve been presiding over this court for twenty years. I’ve seen my fair share of custody cases, and I know what’s happening here. ”

I look up to find Judge Martinez with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for my response.

“Your Honor—” I start, but she cuts me off.

“You and Mr. Cannon were married because you thought that presenting a strong family unit would help to repair his reputation and sway the court in his favor in the case of Gigi Cannon’s daughters. Is that correct?”

I open my mouth, then snap it shut. My instinct is to refute her, to keep up the story that Luke and I were dating on the down low for months before we tied the knot, but honestly?

I have no idea if the whole “lying under oath” thing extends to the judge’s chambers, and I really don’t wan to risk going to jail for perjury on top of this already shitty day.

“Yes, Your Honor. Luke and I were living together after the death of Gigi as friends so that I could help him raise his nieces. When the Connelly’s sued for custody, we thought that getting married was the right thing to do.”

Judge Martinez hums as my stomach bubbles with the worst kind of anticipation that threatens to send my breakfast back up and out of my mouth.

“I don’t usually do this. I’m not in the business of discussing things with one party and not the other.

But it’s been clear as day to me what is going on here since Luke’s file crossed my desk.

Joseph and Rebecca Connelly are liars, to say the least. I see right through the front they’ve put up.

The caring pastor, the doting church wife who wants a second chance with their deceased daughter’s children.

Joseph has quite the rap sheet back in Idaho.

They probably didn’t think I’d find it. Small town, lots of covering up.

I won’t go into details, but I don’t think there’s a young woman in Salem, Idaho who hasn’t been caught alone in a room with the Reverend Connelly.

“Even if that weren’t the case, Gigi Cannon’s will was clear as day. In the event of her death or inability to care for her children, they were to be placed in the custody of her brother, Luke Cannon. It’s pretty cut and dry.”

I blink, once, twice, not knowing what to say. If it’s so cut and dry, why put us through all of this in the first place?

“Unfortunately,” she continues, “sometimes we have to entertain things in the name of due process.”

“Your Honor…I don’t understand. Are you…with everything you’ve just said, that has to mean you’re giving the kids to Luke and me, right?”

“I’m giving you your out, Mr. McKenna.”

She’s…what?

My out?

My face must convey the confusion ricocheting back and forth in my brain, because she takes a seat in the velvet chair next to me and turns until our knees are almost touching.

“It’s my job to determine what is best for the children.

I do not wish to leave them in the care of two strangers that they don’t know and who I don’t trust. But here is my problem.

Gigi left her daughters to her brother, but it’s not just him now.

You’re married, you’re a package deal. If I give the girls to Luke, I’m giving them to you, too.

Taking care of Lemmie, Mellie, and Ollie would be your life. ”

“It already is my life, Your Honor. It’s been my life for months.”

“You’ll be responsible for them until they’re eighteen.

Ollie is only one-year-old. That’s seventeen years that you’d be co-parenting with a man you married for optics.

Is that in your best interest, Dean? I’ve read up on your file, too.

You’re young, you’re recently retired. Your whole adult life has been football, and now you have the chance to go out and experience the world. ”

She pauses, letting her words linger in the space between us.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I’m saying, I’ve seen this movie before.

Someone who isn’t a parent that gets lumped into a custody agreement either gets stuck or bolts.

Luke is going to be the guardian of his nieces.

He will be leaving today with legal custody of three children, whether you’re in the picture or not.

This is your out, Dean. If you want to cut and run, tell me now.

If you want to divorce Luke Cannon, tell me now.

Because otherwise, you’re in this thing, too.

If you’re going to back out, I need to know that you’re going to do it now, before the children get hurt. ”

The insinuation that I would leave my husbands and kids because I’m afraid of a little responsibility cuts me to my core.

But the look in Judge Martinez’s eyes is not judgmental.

It’s not condescending or all-knowing, like she expects me to high-five her and skip on out of this courthouse to embrace the single life.

It’s honesty. It’s empathy. It’s a willingness to listen, to understand. And so, I speak from the heart.

“I’m in love with my husband, Your Honor.

I have loved him as long as I’ve known him.

Even when we were only friends, I loved him.

I’d do anything for him, which is why I’m here.

I thought moving in with Luke, marrying him, helping him take care of the kids was what was best for him.

But I was wrong. It’s what’s best for me, too.

Lemmie, Mellie, and Ollie…they’re my whole world.

They’re my reason for waking up in the morning.

They make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me want to pull my hair out.

They’re a constant reminder that th ere is good in this world, that life is worth living.

Every single day, I wake up and I look at Luke sleeping in my arms, and I can hardly breathe for how lucky I feel.

I’m not going anywhere, Your Honor. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

You have to see that. You have to see the way that my love for my family pours out of me.

I just want to be able to give Luke and our kids everything they deserve.

Because they’re great kids, and Luke is a great man. And they deserve the world.”

I take a breath, letting my words settle between us.

And after a long moment, Judge Martinez rises, and I follow her back into the courtroom.

There’s no time for me to explain to Luke when we return. The bailiff instructs us to rise and Judge Martinez tells us to sit. She clears her throat.

“I’ve taken all evidence and testimony in this case under advisement.

Mr. and Mrs. Connelly, I can appreciate the efforts you’ve gone to to appear in court here today.

I know we are a long way from Idaho, and I hope any time spent in our beautiful, welcoming, inclusive city has not gone to waste.

After careful consideration, my ruling is as follows.

I hereby grant sole physical custody of Lemmie Lynn, Mellie May, and Ollie Ann to Luke Daniel Cannon.

Mr. Cannon, Mr. McKenna, you may go home to your girls. ”

I can’t see through the tears falling down my cheeks, but when I feel Luke’s lips pressed to mine, I only have one thought on my mind.

“You heard her, corazón. Let’s go home to our girls.”