Page 80 of Every Step She Takes

“I think you should teach me how to have sex!”

Mal pauses halfway through the door to our room with a paper grocery bag in her arms. “Um. What?”

“Like practice kissing,” I say, “but for sex. I want you to teach me how to have sex.”

She steps fully into the room and sets the bag down on her bed. Then she puts both hands on her face, her expression contorted into a perfect impression of Munch’sThe Scream. “That… that’s a joke, right?”

I’m pacing our hotel room in my pajamas, short hair soaking wet, chest heaving. I probably look half-drowned and fully desperate. So, like, no. It’s obviously not a joke at all. “Teach me how to have sex as part of my queer adolescence.”

Mal drops her hands from her face and laughs. “There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t even know where to start.” She shakes her head and sits down on her bed next to the groceries. “Actually, yes I do. I’ll start withhell no. Sadie, you don’t need someone to teach you how to have sex.”

“Yes, I do!” I feel manic with the need to convince her, which is, admittedly, a problematic way to feel while propositioning someone for sex. The fact that I have to persuade Mal to have sexwith me is a clear sign that I should stop.Hell nomeanshell no, and all that.

But in the bathtub, this seemed like the perfect solution to my problems, so I find myself pushing forward. “I’m thirty-five, and I don’t have the faintest idea how to have sex with a woman.”

“May I recommend watching porn by yourself, then, and leaving me out of it?”

“Porn won’t help.” I’ve tried porn before, and there’s always so muchsquelching. “I understand the mechanics of it. I need an opportunity to practice the practical application.”

She raises her hands into Prayer pose. “And that is one of the many reasons the goddess invented masturbation.”

“I masturbated in the bathtub, and it didn’t help.”

Mal starts to say something but quickly cuts off. “Wait, what?”

I sit down on my bed so we’re directly across from each other, opponents in this tense negotiation. “I know it sounds deranged, but the thing is, I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone before.”

Mal releases a frustrated huff and reaches into the groceries for a bag of chips. “I know you’ve never been sexually attracted to a man, Sadie. That’s part of what we’re—”

“No, Mal. I’ve never been sexually attracted toanyone. Including women.”

“But you have a crush on Inez. You’re attracted to her, right?”

I throw my arms up. “I don’t have a crush on Inez, you idiot! I have a crush onyou! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyoneexcept you.”

The room goes quiet, save for the sound of the plastic chip bag.

“Do you have to eat those right now?”

“Yes,” she grumbles through a full mouth. “These are my emotional support Ruffles.”

I take a deep breath and place my hands palms-down on the bed on either side of my legs. “I’ve never had sex, because I’ve never met anyone Iwantedto have sex with. But for some horrible reason, I really want to have sex with you.”

Mal chokes and expels a cloud of chip dust, but I press on. There’s no point in holding anything back now. I’ve already made the mistake of kissing her twice. I’m already going to have to switch roommates, because you can’t solicit someone for sex, get rejected, and still sleep peacefully five feet away from them. So, I put all my cards on the table. “I feel like you’re my chance to finally get it over with.”

Mal swallows. “Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could I refuse?”

I grip the duvet in frustration. “I’m saying that I want my first time to be with someone Itrust. I want to figure it out with someone who makes me feel safe.”

She sets aside her half-demolished chips. “Here’s the thing. You can’t just have sex once and figure it all out. That’s not how it works. I still feel like it’s my first time whenever I’m with someone new, because sex isn’t one-size-fits-all.” She says this in the most patient, gentle voice I’ve ever heard. I roll my eyes.

“I have to learn what each unique person wants, what they like, what gets them off,” she explains. “You don’t need sex lessons. When the time comes, you just need to listen to your partner, and you need to be honest about what you like.”

“But that’s just it!” I explode. “I have no idea what I like, because I’ve never done it before!”

“May I once again encourage masturbation?”

Mal looks bored with this entire conversation, as if I’ve simply asked her to remove the Compeed from my blisters, and now she’d like to scroll on her phone,please and thank you.