Page 38 of Every Step She Takes

Mal releases a frustrated huff and reaches into the groceries for a bag of chips. “I know you’ve never been sexually attracted to a man, Sadie. That’s part of what we’re—”

“No, Mal. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone . Including women.”

“But you have a crush on Inez. You’re attracted to her, right?”

I throw my arms up. “I don’t have a crush on Inez, you idiot! I have a crush on you ! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone except you .”

The room goes quiet, save for the sound of the plastic chip bag.

“Do you have to eat those right now?”

“Yes,” she grumbles through a full mouth. “These are my emotional support Ruffles.”

I take a deep breath and place my hands palms-down on the bed on either side of my legs. “I’ve never had sex, because I’ve never met anyone I wanted to have sex with. But for some horrible reason, I really want to have sex with you.”

Mal chokes and expels a cloud of chip dust, but I press on.

There’s no point in holding anything back now.

I’ve already made the mistake of kissing her twice.

I’m already going to have to switch roommates, because you can’t solicit someone for sex, get rejected, and still sleep peacefully five feet away from them.

So, I put all my cards on the table. “I feel like you’re my chance to finally get it over with. ”

Mal swallows. “Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could I refuse?”

I grip the duvet in frustration. “I’m saying that I want my first time to be with someone I trust . I want to figure it out with someone who makes me feel safe.”

She sets aside her half-demolished chips.

“Here’s the thing. You can’t just have sex once and figure it all out.

That’s not how it works. I still feel like it’s my first time whenever I’m with someone new, because sex isn’t one-size-fits-all.

” She says this in the most patient, gentle voice I’ve ever heard. I roll my eyes.

“I have to learn what each unique person wants, what they like, what gets them off,” she explains. “You don’t need sex lessons. When the time comes, you just need to listen to your partner, and you need to be honest about what you like.”

“But that’s just it!” I explode. “I have no idea what I like, because I’ve never done it before!”

“May I once again encourage masturbation?”

Mal looks bored with this entire conversation, as if I’ve simply asked her to remove the Compeed from my blisters, and now she’d like to scroll on her phone, please and thank you.

I take one more deep breath. “I want to learn how to be sexually intimate with someone else . With a woman, after all these years of denying my desires and feeling shame about them.” I’m wringing my hands in front of her, and although I’m acutely aware of how embarrassing this is, I say it anyway. “I need you to have sex with me.”

Mal looks at me with her bowed mouth twisted into some kind of hollow grimace. “I think you have the wrong idea about me,” she says quietly. “I’m not Shane from The L Word .”

I let out a frustrated huff. “I don’t even know what that means!”

“It means…” Mal’s hands grip her knees. “Sex means something to me. I’m not into random hookups or meaningless flings. I have sex with people I care deeply about.”

“You seem to care about me,” I tell her quietly.

“Sadie.” She says my name with shocking tenderness and utter exasperation. “I do care about you. But—”

“Then hear me out! The sex won’t be meaningless to me. It will mean everything to me, because it will save me from feeling like an inexperienced freak with the next person.”

“You’re not a freak.” Mal pushes herself off the bed with an equally frustrated huff.

“The right person will be so fucking honored to be your first time. The right person won’t make you feel weird or wrong or inexperienced.

The right person is going to lose her mind over the fact that you waited for her. ”

I cringe. “You mean, like, someone with a virgin fetish?”

“No, Sadie, not… ugh .” Mal tugs at the ends of her mullet, and why do I find her horrible hairstyle attractive ? She’s looking at me with so much compassion in this moment, despite this whole misguided proposition, and maybe that’s why. “I mean, like, someone who is a decent human being.”

“ You are a decent human being,” I tell her.

“Sadie.” She says my name with fondness now. She says it with anguish. “I wish I could make you hear me. Sex does not equal queerness . Sex does not equal normalcy . Having sex with a woman isn’t going to magically make you comfortable in your sexuality.”

I get all of that. It’s not about that. “But you make me comfortable. I don’t think you understand how rare that is for me.”

Her eyes are full of the same mixture of fondness and anguish. “I think I’m starting to.”

“So then, have sex with me, dammit!” I am joking this time. Sort of.

She puffs out a laugh. “Sadie,” she starts, and this time, she only sounds tired.

I hold up my hands to stop her. “It’s fine. I get it. This—this was a horrible idea. I don’t know what possessed me. I’m so sorry.”

Mal pushes back her hair like she’s intentionally trying to heighten my sexual frustration with her fucking widow’s peak. “It’s okay.”

“I-I’ll go talk to Inez.” I take a step toward the door and away from that widow’s peak. “I-I’ll tell her you need a different roommate, and I won’t bother you with this ridiculous queer adolescent stuff anymore.”

She reaches out for my arm. “Wait. You don’t have to do that.”

I ignore how this simple touch makes me feel like my entire nervous system is composed of butterflies. “I think it’s for the best if we’re not roommates anymore.”

“But… but I don’t want a new roommate.”

I glance down at the slender fingers encircling my arm. I glance up at her worried expression. “Can I ask you one more question…?”

I chew down on my lip as Mal slowly nods. And I know I shouldn’t ask her this, but I do it anyway. “Would you?”

Mal blinks at me. “Would I what?”

“Would you be honored to be my first?”

Silence and stillness and stifling awkward creeps in between us. Then Mal exhales a frustrated growl. “Of course I would.”

Everything melts inside my body like a pasteis de nata on my tongue. I press my forehead to hers. “Then maybe you’re the person I’ve been waiting for.”