Page 24 of Every Step She Takes
Last night comes into focus: sitting on a toilet seat as Mal leaned over me with a pair of kitchen scissors.
Mal standing between my open legs to get the right angle, Mal tilting forward to reveal her prominent collarbone, the tops of her small breasts, the compass tattoo across her sternum.
Mal smelling like sandalwood and spring in Seattle, fingertips on the back of my neck, fingernails across my scalp, all while I sat perfectly still, terrified to move, terrified to breathe. Terrified of everything.
And later: Mal on the bed, her body heat and her sardine breath. Her hand on my thigh, my head on her shoulder, a simple intimacy that felt anything but simple in that moment. It felt enormous, and terrifying, and—
And oh . Oh shit.
“Asexuality exists on a spectrum. You might experience limited sexual attraction, or only experience it rarely,” she says. “It’s not black and white, but in my experience, nothing is.”
We start tracing the coastline again. Rebecca and Ro are out of earshot, and Inez and Mal aren’t even visible. They haven’t been for the last ten minutes. What does it mean that I’m always aware of where Mal is in space?
“I was initially afraid to sign up for this trip,” Vera says quietly.
“I know there are people in the community who don’t think asexual people are queer.
But to me, queerness is about existing outside of the heteronorm when it comes to sex and love, and no one is more out of the norm than aroace people.
The entire world revolves around sex and romance, and not participating in those things can be so incredibly isolating. ”
Feeling alienated at every girls’ night out, keeping everyone at arm’s length, training the people in my life to never ask too many questions. “Yeah,” I agree. “It really can be.”
“You have a crush.”
The accusation is whispered in my ear an hour later as I walk up an impossibly steep hill, and I trip over my own feet. I nearly go down, but a hand latches on to my elbow and keeps me from eating asphalt.
When I’m stable again, I turn to see Mal smirking at me. “I-I don’t… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, really?” The smirk intensifies. It’s unfair that she has a face so suited to playfully mocking expressions. Her eyebrows are spring-loaded for surprise and her bowed mouth easily twists into a sideways smile.
The only thing my face is suited for is blushing and telegraphing my every thought. I assume I’m doing both now, which is why Mal says, “Don’t be embarrassed! I also have a habit of developing crushes on every pretty girl who’s nice to me.”
Her hand is still on my elbow, and I gently tug it away as we continue up the vertical hill, my thighs and glutes burning as ferociously as my blush.
“And if she’s completely off-limits. Oof.” Mal presses a hand to her chest, drawing attention to that cavernous clavicle and her usual bralessness under her gray tank. “Be still my beating heart.”
I wish my beating heart would be still, but it’s hammering wildly inside my chest as several things become abundantly clear.
One: I do have a crush.
Two: And it’s on Mal.
And three: Mal humiliatingly knew about it before I did. She knows I have a fucking crush on her.
“Off-limits?” I echo.
“Yeah, that’s what makes it perfect! It’s a totally safe crush for your second adolescence!”
“Perfect?” I can barely breathe, and I’m not sure if it’s from the hill or my increasing mortification.
“You have your first lesbian crush!” She punches me in the arm in a celebratory fashion, and this is becoming the weirdest interaction I’ve ever had with another person. “At least, I’m assuming it’s your first lesbian crush.”
We finally reach the top of the hill and turn left toward what appears to be a neighborhood or the outskirts of a small village. Below, we have a remarkable view of the coast. I use the view as an excuse to pause and take a drink of water.
If I’ve ever had a lesbian crush before, it’s been a secret to everyone, including me.
And if I’ve had a crush before, it didn’t feel like this .
“Letting yourself develop a crush is a big step in your queer adolescent journey.” She throws an arm around my shoulders in an entirely too-platonic fashion. “This is awesome.”
It’s not the hill or my humiliation that steals the air from my lungs this time. It’s the look on Mal’s face. She isn’t smirking or playfully mocking me. She’s truly, sincerely, happy for me, and happiness is painfully beautiful on her.
I turn away from all that beauty and continue following the coastline north. Mal quickly falls into step beside me, the clang of her Hydro Flask keeping time like a metronome. “What’s wrong?” she asks after a stretch of silence.
My eyes are anywhere but her face. “Nothing. It’s just… it’s awkward… that you know how I feel.”
“It shouldn’t be!” Mal jumps in front of me so I’m forced to look up at her. “Please don’t feel awkward! I’m your fairy god-dyke. It’s okay for me to know this stuff. We have princess–fairy god-dyke confidentiality.”
She walks backward for a few yards so we’re face-to-face, her eyes level with mine. It almost feels like we’re tied together with an invisible string, like she’s leading me somewhere I’m not ready to go.
“If I’m being completely honest,” she starts, looking me in the eye with zero regard for where she’s going, “Sometimes I feel the same way.”
Something strange happens in that instant. I take another step forward, but my foot never makes contact with the ground. I’m floating, suspended in air, suspended in time. “You… you do ?” I hear myself say. God, I sound like an adolescent.
“Totally. It’s hard not to have a crush on Inez. She’s sunshine personified.”
My feet are firmly back on solid ground. “Inez?”
“You have good taste, is all I’m saying. Inez is the fucking best.”
She still isn’t watching where she’s going, and she backs herself into a Camino trail marker, stumbling sideways.
Inez. Mal thinks I have a crush on Inez .
Inez, who is off-limits because she’s our tour guide. Inez, a pretty girl who’s been nothing but nice to me.
Inez. I wish I had a crush on Inez.
Mal continues to stumble, and I almost reach out to steady her like she did for me, but she catches herself before she falls and effortlessly slides back into step beside me. “Whatever you’re feeling right now,” she says, as if she didn’t nearly land on her ass. “Let yourself feel it.”
I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t look at her. I won’t look at her right now, because I don’t want her to see the devastation that’s surely dashed across my face.
“I know we’ve only known each other for, what? Four days? But I get the impression that you’ve spent the last thirty-five years ignoring your body. Ignoring your gut, not listening to what it’s been trying to tell you.”
We take another step and I still don’t look at her.
“Sometimes, as scared queer kids, we cut ourselves off from our bodies entirely to survive,” Mal says.
“So, whatever you’re feeling right now, whatever you feel when you look at Inez—if you blush or get sweaty palms or butterflies or whatever—let yourself feel it.
Learn how to listen to what your body is telling you. ”
I’m blushing and my palms are sweaty, but I don’t have butterflies. I have a stomach full of rocks.
I take another step, and another, and another, and Mal’s water bottle bangs out a death march. “Hey. Sadie.” Mal’s hand is on my elbow again, pulling me up short. “I’m sorry. That… that was presumptuous of me. You’re upset.”
“I’m not upset.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?”
I look at her. And fuck it. There are the butterflies.
A thousand tiny wings are flapping inside me as they lift my stomach into my chest. “I’m not upset,” I say again, forcing myself to keep looking at her stupidly earnest, Beautiful/Handsome face.
“It’s only that I’m not used to talking about these sorts of things,” I tell her, and it’s the truth.
It’s part of the truth.
“You can always practice talking about these sorts of things with me.” Her thumb gently swipes my arm in a gesture I think is meant to comfort me, but it sets my teeth on edge. “That’s what I’m here for.”
That is what she’s here for.
“Thank you,” I finally say. “I promise to talk to you about my crush… on Inez… when I’m ready.”
Mal’s hand falls away from my arm and she flashes me a strained smile. “I’ll be here,” she says, “whenever you’re ready.”
We catch up with the rest of the group in the postcard-perfect village of Carreco when we stop at a bright and airy bakery for morning tea. I order a cappuccino and two pasteis de nata, and then I manipulate things so I end up sitting next to Vera, as far away from Mal as possible.
“For today’s reflection,” Inez starts, “I want us to talk about listening to our bodies.”
I snort into my mug, and foam splashes onto my nose. Across the table, Mal lets out a sharp laugh, and Inez glares at her.
“Our bodies are the most important guide we have on the Camino,” Inez continues, “and they contain more wisdom than we realize. We need to connect to the sensations of our bodies so we can be attuned to the messages they are sending us. Close your eyes with me. Turn inward. What is your body saying?”
Too much. I feel sweaty and shaky and anxious. My stomach is full of rocks and butterflies, floating and sinking, and the last thing I want to do is listen to it.
Quite frankly, I need my body to shut the fuck up.
M&M Chat
Today
Mal
False alarm, everybody!
No need to panic! It was a false alarm! 10:13 p.m.
Michelle
I’m about to train 15 technicians how to use the remote sensing equipment before field work starts next week, and I do not have time for vague lead-ins 10:19 p.m.
Mal
Sadie has a fatty crush on Inez, so I’m in the clear 10:20 p.m.
Michelle
And Sadie is…? 10:24 p.m.
Mal
The woman
With the freckles
That I almost kissed 10:24 p.m.
Michelle
You did not mention she had freckles. You don’t stand a chance, my friend. 10:25 p.m.
Mal
But I do! Because she’s into Inez!
I’m no longer at risk of kissing her 10:25 p.m.
Michelle
Is she still on your tour…? 10:27 p.m.
Mal
Yes 10:27 p.m.
Michelle
And is she still your roommate…? 10:28 p.m.
Mal
Well yes but I can’t control that
I’m not going to bug Inez to switch my room after everything she’s done for me 10:28 p.m.
Michelle
And is this woman with freckles currently sleeping ten feet away? 10:29 p.m.
Mal
What’s your point here? 10:29 p.m.
Michelle
Your complete lack of self-awareness is impressive 10:29 p.m.