Page 37

Ellie

“Don’t be difficult,” I said into the microphone as I stared out at the audience.

“How many of us heard that from our parents growing up?” I nodded when dozens of others did.

“Don’t embarrass us or the family. Don’t be a baby.

Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.” People were still nodding.

“These are the phrases we need to stop telling our daughters.”

I gave people a moment with that.

“If we are to push further to combat the cycle of violence and abuse women suffer, we must do better by the next generation,” I told them firmly.

“I know it feels like we’re standing on solid ground with all the progress we’ve made—and we have come far.

But I promise it’s quicksand we’re slowly sinking into if we don’t take the next necessary steps.

“People all over are becoming complacent as if the job has been done. I saw a commentary show talking about how it’s not the 1950s and women have so many options.

That if they don’t leave and immediately report it, they are the problem.

” I snorted. “How easy for someone who’s never been in an abusive relationship to say.

“Hell, for a man to say about a culture and life he knows nothing about.

I would never say being a man is easy or just give flippant advice.

Do I think more women need to be strong and leave?

Yes. Do I think more need to report crimes for change?

Yes . Yes, of course I do, but shaming them does nothing. Blaming them makes things worse.

“Those women would if they felt safe and had support. He was specifically referencing the court case all over where the rapper has a list of crimes. Instead of support, everywhere I look they’re criticizing her that she could have left.

How easy for others to say. Yes, she could have left, but what came next?

“What came now that she spoke out? People criticizing her that she gave consent. Yes, but then she revoked it. Consent is needed each time , not just blanket at the start. And her career is destroyed. His fans are harassing her, blaming her for his fall. It’s still our fault, unlike other crimes.

So we are not on solid ground, not even close. ”

I took in a slow breath and let it out before meeting Aurora’s gaze of all people.

“I grew up in a different time and most now know my story. I receive flak for not being a mother and speaking on raising our daughters better. It’s not that simple, and you’re raising future members of the society we all are a part of.

” I gestured out to the crowd. “Something we all take seriously and should help those who need it.

“Yes, we get a vote. We need to speak about it more and have a consensus on these topics. It’s not picking on and judging parents.

Parents are not perfect. That shouldn’t be a debate.

No one is perfect and we all need help. I need it.

I have dozens of staff help me. Why can’t mothers accept the same?

Pride? Shame that they couldn’t do it on their own?

“Who taught them that?” I nodded when I saw what I was saying was being received well.

“Our parents. I have so many colleagues who constantly talk about their ‘mom guilt.’ Funny because I’ve never heard of a ‘dad guilt.’ I’ve only heard that more are pushing for dads to stop acting like they’re babysitting their kids and need to parent like the mothers.

“Yes, we can change some of this now, but if we don’t change the way we raise our daughters, the same pitfalls and problems will continue.

They will become women who are ripe to be abused.

I say that as someone who was in a long-term emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and I didn’t even realize it.

I thought it was fine because we weren’t committed.

“But he tore me down at every turn. He thought he was lying to me about his escapades and all of it affected my life. I was so far from the woman I was before meeting him that I was crushed. All the work I’ve done to help others and I let myself stay in an abusive relationship, completely blind to it.

It’s been hard to come to terms with that—get back on track.

“I had people in my corner and willing to say I deserved better.” I found Ha-joon in the crowd and smiled.

“And I found so much better than I thought possible.” I chuckled when he winked at me and focused back on the people there.

“The right man won’t save you and our lives can be complete without a partner. I fully believe that.

“I would never push others into relationships or act like finding the right partner solves everything. No, that’s fairy tales.

Some people thrive better on their own. That’s fine.

We need to accept that as a way of life and not be so damn judgmental.

For me , my partner is the one who helped me see what I was surviving when I’d been so turned around to think I was thriving.

“Saying all of this is important, and hearing you aren’t the only one and many of us have been in the same spot validates us.

But it doesn’t give you the tools of what comes next and how to do better.

” I glanced around and let out a slow breath.

“You are responsible for how people treat you and we have to teach our daughters that.

“I’m not victim-blaming. I’m not judging anyone’s past. I’m saying going forward , we all need to accept that we put up with too much.

Boundaries are not a bad word and we need to have better boundaries for ourselves or we cannot teach them to our children.

Learning to say I’ve had enough, need a break, or I cannot handle something in the moment is hard.

“But it’s freeing . I feel so much better having been able to say that for myself.

We’re all on the airplane and it hits turbulence at times.

We need to listen to the rules of the airplane for our lives and make sure we are wearing the oxygen masks before we try to help others.

A well-rested, taken care of, and mentally well mom teaches that to their children.

“I’m not saying to raise brats. No, and more than that, we need to stop calling our daughters princesses or treating them like that.

Life is not a fairy tale. Prince Charming is normally a crock of shit and many of us have experienced that.

So enough. And that means listening to their boundaries as well.

“Not when they say they won’t eat their vegetables and only have fast food.

That’s a brat.” I smiled when people chuckled.

“But when your child says they don’t want to hug someone, that is their answer.

If you ignore that answer and tell them it’s fine, don’t make a scene, or they’re family, you just taught your child that what they want doesn’t matter.

“You taught them to be quiet and swallow their needs down—not to listen to their instincts. You taught them that their voice doesn’t matter and no isn’t actually no.

That stays with them. I hear it now in my head all of the time.

We cannot fully break those chains we grew up with, but we can make damn sure our daughters are raised better and without them.

“And it still happens. I saw it the other day at the hospital. A nurse went to hug the children after their visit. She didn’t push it but simply offered comfort after the visit was rough.

The boy ran off and the mom excused it as ‘boys will be boys’ but then yelled at the girl when she said no. That is what needs to stop.

“All that does is teach that girl that boys can do what they want and it’s fine and she cannot trust her mother to protect her.

The nurse did nothing wrong and immediately backed off when the girl was uncomfortable, but the mom tried to force it.

The nurse was the one who said she was uncomfortable hugging a child who didn’t want to.

“The mother then got snippy and told the nurse not to tell her how to parent her child.” I gave everyone a moment with that.

“So her pride on whether she was a good mother or not was more important than the comfort of her daughter. Yeah, that’s not a good mother.

That’s a selfish mother worried more about how people view her than her children. ”

I flipped the page of my speech and recentered myself.

“It takes a village to raise a child. Yes, we should always be diligent in protecting them and not just take random advice. But we all need help and it’s time we accept that.

We’re not superheroes, and asking us to be because we’re women while also expecting us to accept unacceptable behavior is too much.

“If I could wave a magic wand, I would ask all mothers to look inside of their hearts and admit what we all know. We are not perfect. We cannot shoulder everything alone and it’s time we stop acting like that’s the standard.

To do that, we need to stop fighting each other.

Boys learn team sports and how to play well with others.

“Girls learn to compete . Beauty pageants. Sports that are focused on being the best like ballet or dance. Competitions that make other girls and women our enemies. Don’t you think that was intentional?

” I snorted when people frowned. “I do. I grew up being told that I could only get the best man if I was the best woman.

“I had to do better than other women and they were competition. You know what competition is? Never an ally. It’s meant to isolate us so we’re without resources or help.

It makes us constantly strive for perfect even when the deck is stacked against us.

It’s meant for us to tear each other down and chip away at our self-worth so men don’t have to as often.