Page 19

NINETEEN

JACE

He was the last to come out and the only one to notice me at all. Judging by the way he stopped in the doorway and laid his gaze on me, I was in a bit of trouble. Not that I hadn’t anticipated it. He would be angry that I’d gone down this path, but he would understand. Eventually.

Perhaps I had misjudged just how long it would take Easton to see why I had done what I had done. He crossed the parking lot in front of the rink, fury giving him speed. The last of the sunlight had just faded out of the sky, and the lights of the streetlamps made him glow like some radiant apparition full of malice.

“How dare you?” Easton demanded as he closed the distance between us and stood inches away from me. His face was tortured, eyes wide and pleading, and his fists closed as if he were ready to strike me. “How dare you take control of my life like that?”

I lifted my hands, palm open and facing him. “Easy, there,” I said. “Someone had to solve that problem, Easton.”

“And you decided it had to be you,” Easton spat. “Do you have any idea what you did to me tonight?”

I could think of countless things I was going to do to him tonight, but they seemed to be growing less likely by the second. In fact, if I didn’t chill Easton’s temper quickly, all the things I’d laid out on his bed were going to be a bit embarrassing to explain. “I had that piece of shit caught red-handed, didn’t I? And his pathetic dealer.”

“No, no, no, no, no,” he blurted. “You don’t get to level your moral high ground all of a sudden.”

“Don’t I?” I asked, not yet taking offense. “You don’t know DJ like I do.”

Easton squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then looked at me reproachfully. I hated being on the other end of that look, especially coming from him. He was supposed to know me better than this. “I don’t even want to know how you know DJ. You ruined my life tonight, Jace.”

“I’m sorry I snatched that revenge out of your hands, baby boy,” I said.

Tears welled in Easton’s eyes, and I saw my words pass through him like they were of no consequence. “You fucking asshole,” he whispered. “You still don’t get it. You still think you did something amazing. Should I thank you?”

Apparently not. A frown creased my brow as I cocked my head. What had happened in there? What I had done was the result of weeks of planning, of pulling strings wherever I could, and of gathering intel in gaming dens from Ivan’s drunken rivals. It was a crescendo of justice. Wasn’t it? I had spent all this time watching, learning, and writing down the pieces of the puzzle until I found the solution. I had spent weeks in the maze, marking the turns and dead ends until I found one narrow path to victory.

Ivan had been resolutely against it. DJ was one of his guys, and you didn’t let them fall just like that. But Ivan had no idea that DJ was pushing more than LSD to bored college students. Ivan didn’t think to ask, but DJ had seen the possibilities laid out before him.

It wasn’t Ivan who supplied DJ with coke. Or with testosterone. DJ searched the needs of the market and found suppliers elsewhere.

Playing cards and emptying the pockets of Ivan’s rivals was a nice source of income, but it was an even better source of information. When those guys drank and popped various kinds of pills down their throats, their sharpness deteriorated. God forbid they ever thought they were culpable. But that was where my particular skill of seeming unimportant and inconsequential came into play.

A late-middle-aged man named Ray Dugan, who fancied himself a captain in a large-scale operation run by Lenny Vargas and his crew, showed a remarkable amount of interest in me. I’d told him how I struggled to keep up with my teammates, and he pointed out that I was perhaps too small for such a rough game. “I might be wrong,” he’d said. “I can’t fucking see it with that baggy stuff you’re wearing.”

It only took lifting my hoodie to show him my abs before blood left his brain and his tongue untied. There was someone who could help me perform better if I were willing to take the risk. Plenty of athletes did it. It wasn’t dangerous at all. Was I a Steel Saint? How lucky! Did I know Kyle Hobbs? Yes? Well, I just needed to look at Kyle and see what Ray Dugan’s stuff could do. Lenny Vargas had the best suppliers; everyone knew that. And if I ever wanted to have something more, something to loosen me up and make me more fun, then I just needed to come see Uncle Ray. He had all I could ever dream of.

Ivan didn’t hesitate after this. He even refused the cut of the night’s winnings. “You saved me more money than I can tell you by catching this traitor.”

And having Ivan the Pretty Alright grateful to you was always a good thing. He let me plan things out instead of dealing with DJ the old-fashioned way, with baseball bats and bare fists. I wanted to see the guy behind the bars, sure, but I really wanted to see Kyle tested and suspended.

That was justice.

Except, Easton’s eyes glimmered with tears, and his mouth twisted with fury. “Huh? Should I thank you?”

The tip of my tongue passed over my upper lip as sweat broke under my arms. “Judging by your tone…” I exhaled. “What happened?”

“What happened, Jace, was that you took matters into your own hands without a clue as to who was involved. The reason I never moved against Kyle isn’t because I had no weapon. I never let you seek the guys who beat me up for the same reason I never would have let you do this.”

“And that is?” I asked grimly.

“When Kyle imploded, he took me straight to hell with him,” Easton spat. “He told everyone. He told them that I was a pervert, that I tried to fuck him.”

My temper flared. “That’s bullshit. It’s not true.”

“Who cares?” Easton cried. “Who cares if it’s true, Jace? They all think I’m lurking in the shadows, waiting to take advantage of them.”

“We can fix this,” I growled.

Easton took a step back as if stung.

“I’ll kick their asses, Easton,” I vowed. “Every single one of them.”

Easton tilted his head as if to see me better. Or, perhaps, he was searching me from another angle, seeing something he had never seen before. Then, he shook his head. “No, Jace.”

The calmness with which he spoke those words chilled me.

“You went too far,” Easton said. “You emailed everyone on my team. I don’t even know how, but you hijacked the whole rink.”

Easy. DJ was stupid enough to pull all the data from an assistant coach’s unprotected computer. He’d probably been afraid of Ivan getting suspicious, so he hurried to be servile, doing what Ivan asked without a question. The fucker had no idea he would be arrested within a week.

“And you hijacked my life,” Easton said. “You. Always you. You walked in, uninvited and you never thought to leave some space for me. I let you have all the power, Jace. I gave you everything in the bedroom. I let you be my master, my God, but it wasn’t enough. You just had to take more.”

My lips curved, and my nose wrinkled. The odd stinging sensation behind my eyes shocked me, and my mouth was dry.

Easton took a step toward me and pressed his index finger against my chest, almost as if he could stab me with it. “I was wrong to let you in again.”

“Don’t,” I said dryly.

Easton shook his head.

“I…” My voice cut off, and I didn’t know what was happening to my body. “I can’t lose you.”

“It’s not fair that only I lose everything, Jace,” Easton said coldly and passed by me. He marched away with a purpose. He wanted to put as much distance between us as he could, but I couldn’t let him leave. Not like this. Couldn’t he see why I had done this? Couldn’t he see the lengths I’d gone to protect him? Ah, but it failed. It backfired, and it wasn’t me who got shot, but Easton.

I turned around and hurried after him. He was in danger. If Kyle was trying to destroy him in the team’s eyes, then he wouldn’t hesitate to send his brutes after Easton again. This time, it might as well be for good.

I ran after Easton, but he was already descending into the underground. By the time I passed through and reached the underground, the train’s door was closing, and Easton was inside, not looking back.

The next train arrived three minutes later, although it felt like three hours. In the time between the trains, I remembered every moment of tenderness and intimacy, every instance of dirtiness, every sin we shared. I remembered the softest of kisses and the roughest of wrist-holds. I remembered the time Easton was brought home and Mom saying, “Kiss your new brother, Jace. Go on. Give him a welcome hug.”

“No!” I’d shouted. At eight years old, I was done kissing and hugging people, especially those who were there to replace me. “I’ll never kiss him. I hate him.”

How the universe played games with us. How funny it all must have seemed to God, if there was one out there in the freezing vastness of cosmos.

The train seemed to move slower than ever, screeching and gliding along its fixed tracks, taking me after Easton. And when I finally emerged in his quarter from the depths of the underground system, I was dazed and in panic.

A small yet impossibly powerful part of me was beginning to believe that Easton had meant it. Could he be done with me? Could I have gambled it all away?

It’s not gambling if you know what you’re doing . Except I had no clue. I had never loved before. I didn’t know what the rules of this game were. All I knew was that I had somehow lost.

The light was already on in Easton’s apartment, and I hurriedly unlocked the front door. My lungs burned by the time I ran up to the top floor, almost clashing with Mrs. Johnson, who stepped out of the apartment to see what all this noise was. It was just the shredded old me clambering up the stairs, calling Easton’s name so loudly and desperately that the building shook.

I barged into the apartment, door slamming against the doorstopper. Time stopped. I looked, wild-eyed, at Easton, who stood straight, his head bent low in shame. He looked like he couldn’t take another defeat, yet one was dealt to him anyway.

Laid out on the table, a black mask to blind him, a pair of handcuffs, a slim whip with a small, flat piece of leather at the tip, and a string of beads, each a little larger than the one before. These were the things I had left spread out on his bed, except now they were on the coffee table.

The man who was pointing to the items on the coffee table was red-faced, his hair much whiter than I remembered it from seven years ago.

If Easton had offered any explanation for the sex toys on his bed, Kevin hadn’t believed them. His anger was so bright that his eyes were shining. And now, as the two men turned to the door, it was as though I had pulled the lever, opening the floor under Easton’s feet and letting the noose do the rest.

He had been right all along. I only ever took from him. No matter the intentions, the things I did left a trail of devastation.

“Who the hell…?” Kevin stuttered, his infuriating, nasal voice cutting off when his small eyes turned white with shock. “You.”

I clenched my teeth hard enough to crack them, then shut the door behind my back. “Hi, Daddy,” I said, facing the stuff of my nightmares. This was the man whose face I wished to exorcise out of my mind. This was the monster under my bed. The smacking sounds of his palm against my cheek, my butt, the back of my head, or anything he could grab in a moment of hateful fury filled my ears all these years later.

“How are you here?” Kevin demanded.

“Jace, you shouldn’t have followed me,” Easton blurted.

Kevin looked at Easton. Was it possible that some small part of him had been holding on to denial for these few short moments? Was it possible that Kevin had still remained convinced that I had simply appeared here, unrelated to the mysterious roommates or the unholy objects on the table? I would have laughed if I didn’t feel like dying.

“It’s him,” Kevin said in disbelief. “The sounds Mirtle called me about. He’s the one…”

“Dad, I can explain.”

“You will keep your mouth shut, Easton,” Kevin hissed. He turned to me, measuring me as if to see if he could still take me down. I doubted it. I wasn’t a defenseless boy anymore, and I knew Kevin only felt comfortable dueling children. “You should be dead by now.”

I looked at him, feeling nothing from his hateful words. “You look halfway there, to be honest.”

The man who had once been my father crossed the room and stared at me. “I always knew your heart was rotten. From the day we let you in, boy.”

It gave me such pleasure to see that Kevin was a good five inches shorter than me. He had once seemed so tall and strong, but the man before me was a scrawny scarecrow with a scraggly beard and bad breath. He wasn’t so scary anymore.

“I didn’t think you’d go so low to come back,” Kevin said, trembling with hate. “Corrupting our boy. Our boy!”

I looked at Easton, whose face was damp with tears. That was my legacy. I’d done this to him. Had it not been for me, Easton never would have drawn any suspicion. Shit happened, and parents discovered it, sure, but it was me who’d introduced him to these kinks and it was me who laid out the tools of our sinful rituals on his bed. Without me, Easton never would have lost his fucking mind and cried loudly from the top of his lungs, riding me and riding the high of his orgasms, giving up the worries about the consequences.

I’d made him live his life the way I lived mine. Except, most of the time, when I did shit, I had nobody to think about. Nobody was in harm’s way. Nobody got screwed because of it because I was so freaking lonely. So alone.

That was the only safe way for me to exist. Alone. Not dragging the good ones down with me.

“You sick son of a bitch,” Kevin said, his voice creaking.

“That’s your wife you’re talking about,” I said, holding on to the last sliver of cool carelessness. I couldn’t show my feelings. He would win by default.

My words didn’t trigger him the way I’d hoped. “My wife? No. Another woman gave birth to you, boy. She took one good look and saw what it took us years to see. And she gave you up.”

I shrugged. “Don’t remember. Never met her.” I cocked my head. “But I remember you, old man. I remember those calluses you had when you slapped me.” I fought against the ringing sound in my ears, the very one that a well-placed slap of an open hand caused. “Do you wanna hit me now?”

“Jace, stop,” Easton pleaded.

“Don’t speak his name,” Kevin shouted at Easton over his shoulder.

“And you don’t yell at him,” I said, my voice deadly tame. “Try yelling at me instead.”

This dry, wiry man was so tense that he was ready to snap. “You only got what you deserved.”

I sucked my teeth. “See, I have a problem with that,” I said, taking this opportunity the universe had handed me. I was never going to see Kevin Harper again in my life. This was unexpected. I pitied Easton, my beautiful Steel Saint, my terrible sinner, but there was, once again, a narrow path out of this. At least for him. “I’d think beating your child can only put you in debt, Kev. Giving him crap for Christmas while the other one gets everything? Yeah, that too. And sending your child to bed hungry because he didn’t like mashed peas doesn’t look great on your resume, either. Do you know what? I think it’s time to settle the debt, old man.”

Kevin laughed in disbelief. “Do you want me to fight you? I’ll fight you.”

“Stop,” Easton pleaded.

“Stay out of it,” I growled, shooting him a merciless look. Forgive me , I thought.

“Don’t talk to him that way. Don’t talk to him at all,” Kevin said hurriedly.

“Oh, only you get to talk like that? You’ve always been a hypocrite, Kev,” I said.

Odd how you sometimes said terrible things, but the one hearing them found the strength to remain calm. Then, you said something rather simple, maybe only in a slightly edged tone, and they exploded.

Kevin lifted his hand as if to strike me, but I knew the moves of street fights as well as I knew what the buckle of his belt felt like when it struck my naked back for jumping into the pool when he wanted some silence.

I grabbed his wrist and stepped closer, bumping into his body with mine. “See what you did, you old coward?” I asked. “You made me. You beat me and punished me and sent me out, not giving a fuck if I lived or died. And you can’t believe I survived on my own, but I did. I did it just to spite you, you sick fuck. You. I thought of you every time I felt like it was too much, and I thought how glad you would be if you knew. So I decided to stick around.”

“Let go,” he blurted, but my hand only tightened around his wrist. He was very skinny, very dry. I wondered if his hand would snap like a twig. I could almost hear it cracking.

I didn’t need to hurt him. He was terrified.

“I’m here to spite you, Kev,” I said. “And your favorite boy.” My heart cracked, but I didn’t let that show on my face. “I found him and followed him and wrapped him around my little finger. And these three fingers, too, if you wanna know.” I lifted my other hand, waving three fingers, but lowered it quickly when Kevin tried to land a punch with his other hand. I held both his arms now, pushing him a few inches back. “It was the easiest thing in the world,” I said, trying to force my most convincing expression of gloating. “I made him do such terrible things, and I thought of you. I thought how it would break your heart. And it made me happy for the first time in my life.”

I used all the force I could muster to push the old guy back. He stumbled but remained on his feet, as I had hoped. He didn’t charge at me again. Disbelief and pain washed over his face. “You leave that boy alone,” he said shakily. I had never had a father who would protect me like that. I hadn’t known that Kevin Harper was capable of being protective.

Well, if I were the danger, he would protect a viper.

“Have him. I don’t need him anymore,” I said as smugly as I could. “This time, I burned your house to the ground.”

My gaze didn’t go to Easton. I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing him now. What I saw was pure horror coming over Kevin’s face.

That was good enough. Whatever he thought Easton was up to, he could pin on me now. His hatred for me was so powerful that it eradicated whatever disappointments he found in his son.

I turned around, avoiding the sight of Easton, and moved toward the door. I turned the knob. “Bye, Dad,” I said lightly and stepped outside, all my stuff back in my room. I didn’t need any of it. I wasn’t coming back.

As I stepped out, I found Mrs. Johnson standing in her doorway, listening. She was indignant when she was caught in the act, and she lifted her pointy chin up. “Good riddance.”

As I passed her, I paused, and she sank back inside, still staring at me. “You know, those dirty sounds would bother you a lot less if you stopped eavesdropping.”

A shocked “How rude” came from her apartment as she shut the door.

I didn’t look back. One step at a time, I went down the stairs and out of the building, pretending as if I had set it on fire, and walked away. I wasn’t your regular, flame-loving pyromancer. I didn’t need to see the blaze to feel a sliver of joy or that tantalizing fascination with the fire’s power of destruction.

I walked away, hoping to all the gods that my gambit succeeded. It was a desperate measure, but one that may still give Easton a chance to save his skin. He just needed to play the cards I’d dealt him. He needed to be the victim of my devious plots.

That shouldn’t be too hard for him. After all, I had dragged him into this mess and left him out to dry. He was a victim of my presence, of my chaotic nature, only not in the way I led Kevin to believe.

As I walked aimlessly as far from that place as I could, I offered my soul to any force that would take it. It’s not much , I thought. But you can have it. Just keep him safe.

Things would forever be awkward between Easton and his parents, but there had never been a time when Kevin didn’t make things awkward. As for myself, I had faced him and survived. He didn’t have power over me.

And I didn’t hold power over Easton.

The universe was in balance once again. Earth spun on as if nothing had happened. The worlds that were shattered were just a small grain of sand on an endless beach, and the reality would go on without them.

So what if I didn’t have him? It wasn’t like I knew what to do with him. Everyone knew I was incapable of love—undeserving of it. Hell, even the woman in the hospital bed had seen it. I was an hour old when the sight of me turned her stomach and tied her guts into a knot. “Take that thing away,” she must have said. “I can’t look at it.”

Easton was better off like this. He’d find his way, meet a nice vanilla guy, maybe have sex on Valentine’s or a big anniversary, and soon forget I had ever existed. He would be safe in a steady, predictable relationship that threatened him with no twists and turns. He wouldn’t have to hold on for dear life whenever he neared me, the eye of the storm.

And perhaps my storm would die down someday. Perhaps I would finally run out of this hellish fuel and let those fires die down. It was all I could hope for—a little slice of peace in some distant future.

I wanted to be tired at last. I wanted to be exhausted, spent, and done with it. But I couldn’t. The fusion within me was still in a perpetual chain reaction, feeding itself. I was like a snake that ate its tail. Endless. Infinite. Ravaged.

I was exactly what I was made to be.

I was alone.