Page 23 of Duchess By Accident (The Matchmaker’s Scheme #5)

Chapter Twenty-Three

“ I t seems neither of us could sleep.” Natalie stood in the doorway of his study, her arms wrapped around herself.

Adrian looked to her, then to the clock. It was nearly three in the morning. He gestured to the half eaten plate of scones in front of him.

“Would you care to join me?” He swallowed his mouthful.

Natalie took a step into the study, and then shook her head. She was wearing her night clothes, her dressing gown drawn tight around her. She looked small in the firelight, and he had an urge to go to her and wrap his arms around her.

The image of Lord Bolton flinging himself towards her seemed etched in his mind. How could I have been so careless? His blood became ice, the air in the room vanishing. He forced himself to return to the present moment.

“You are well?” Adrian asked, moving towards her.

Natalie nodded and then shook her head. “I am leaving.”

The words hung between them. Adrian frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I will return to Castle Blackwood.” Natalie’s voice was cool and distant, and every muscle seemed rigid with tension.

Adrian felt something twist inside of him. “When?”

“In the morning. After breakfast. I do not want Melody to wake and find me gone. I do not want her to think I have abandoned her.” Natalie wrapped her arms around herself once more, chewing on her bottom lip.

Adrian felt as though someone had scooped out his innards. “Is that not what you are doing?”

She is leaving. The words seemed to fill him and something desperate urged him to stop her. His hand shook, and he clenched it tight to steady it.

“I am only returning to the castle a few days early. I will be there waiting when she gets home, and I have arranged some visits with her cousins while you remain in London.” Natalie gave him a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. “She will hardly know I am gone.”

“We still have balls to attend.” The words sounded hollow even to him.

He began to pace, unable to sit still. What did it matter to him if she left? She had made arrangements for Melody. Yet the thought of her not being here seemed to crush his chest.

“You said it yourself, tonight will have fixed all of that. A magnificent effort. I do not think even Lady Cotswalts could have done this in such a short time.” Natalie grimaced, though Adrian suspected she was attempting to smile.

Adrian’s voice was sharp. “Stay.”

“I am not yours to control, Fox.” There was no anger in Natalie’s face, only sadness.

Her shoulders were slumped and despite her height she seemed tiny before him. There was a limpness to her movements, a resignation. It chilled him.

“You are my wife.” Adrian took a step towards her, his voice hard, hoping to provoke her anger.

“In name alone.” Natalie took a step back, and looked at the floor. “Are you really going to order me to stay?”

“I could.” Adrian replied. I could make her stay. “But I should not need to. You should stay, it is ridiculous to return.”

“It is necessary. I will leave in the morning.” Natalie turned to leave.

“No.” He grabbed her hand.

She looked at him, and he expected to see her familiar anger flare to life, but there was another, deeper, more vulnerable thing in its place. Something he could not quite name, even as it stole his breath from him.

“I cannot stay.” Her voice was breathless.

“Cannot or will not?” He narrowed his eyes at her.

His heart thundered in his chest. He could feel the beat of her blood against his fingers as he held her wrist. They beat in harmony with one another.

Natalie gently placed her fingers around his, but did not try and break his hold. “They are the same.”

“They are not.” Why are you doing this? He wanted to ask the question but did not know if he meant himself or Natalie.

If she was gone, there would be no needless distractions. There would be no fear of losing control. He could just go about his day. Everything would be as it should be.

But she would not be here. The thought filled him with emptiness. He released her wrist, feeling the absence of her warmth as soon as he did.

“They are to me. If I stay, I will break my word, and I refuse to do that. I cannot be the one to do that.” Natalie gently traced her fingertips against where he had touched her.

“What word?” He forced himself not to reach for her again.

“The agreement we both made, right at the start of all this.” Natalie gestured around them, and there was an iron wall behind her words. “You know what I am referring to; you were the one who reminded me of it. There is no need for us to carry on with our plan, and so I must leave. You have kept your agreement and so must I.”

“And you must be at the castle to do that?” Adrian crossed his arms, arching an eyebrow at Natalie.

“Yes.” She replied simply.

Let her go. He could not. Instead, he found himself moving towards her, his eyes searching her face for meaning. “Is this agreement truly so important to you?”

“It is important to you. Or at least elements of it are. Tonight has shown me that you do not trust me, that perhaps you never trusted me and never will.” The break in Natalie’s voice shattered something inside Adrian. “A painful lesson to learn, but one I am thankful for. I had almost begun to believe our little lie.”

“I do trust you.” He reached for her, to brush the tears from her face, but she moved out of his reach, shaking her head.

“If you trusted me, you would have told me of your plan. But instead, you kept it from me.” Tears flooded her face, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. “Though in some ways it is a relief, I had thought you were out all night… Well… I assume you have been concocting this little scheme.”

“I was.” Adrian saw little point in denying it. She is not a fool, unlike me.

“You would rather me think you had been cavorting than be truthful.” She let out a disgusted noise. “How little you must think of me.”

“That is the furthest thing from the truth. That is not why I did not tell you.” Adrian moved towards her. “You are the most-”

“- I know, you think that I am beautiful but curse me for a fool, I do not want you to only see my beauty.” She cut him off, gently placing a hand on his chest to hold him away from her. “I am a person, Adrian. I do not want you to want only my body.”

His thin nightshirt did little to disguise the softness of her skin. The warmth of her hands against his chest. He wiped a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb.

His eyes met hers. “What do you want?”

“It does not matter. You have shown me that. I need to honour our agreement.” She let her hand fall from his chest.

“And what about me? What about what I need?” His voice was hoarse.

“I am sure you can find someone else to attend to those needs.” There was bitterness in her voice that would make a lemon seem sweet.

The last vestiges of his control snapped and he closed the distance between them once more. “Damn it, Natalie. I do not want anyone else.”

He knew he should not admit it. It would be better to let her go, but he could not. His heart would not let him.

“Want is not enough to make me stay, Adrian. I do not want to be wanted. I want to be chosen.” Finally, the anger that he knew so well broke free in a strangled cry.

“Then let me choose you.” He reached for her hand, closing his fingers softly around hers. “Stay. Do not leave.”

“You want me to stay for Melody.” She shook her head.

“No. Stay for me.” He pulled her towards him, tilting her face upwards. “Curse me, Natalie, but I need you to stay.”

“I cannot stay and honour our agreement. You cannot have it both ways, Adrian.” She put a hand around his whether to hold it there or to pry it away he could not tell.

“Then burn the agreement. I do not care.” His heart thundered in his body, almost as loud as his voice. With a shaking breath, he lowered it, letting the depth of his emotion seep into his eyes.

He did not care that his voice was tight with desire. He did not care that he sounded hoarse and undone.

Let her see what she has done to me. He groaned. “I need you, Natalie. And I want you. And I do not mean your body. I mean your heart. I want all of you. I want you to be mine, heart and soul. I want to be with you. I do choose you. I am choosing you.”

“How can you say that when you do not trust me?” She shot back.

“I was afraid!” Adrian exclaimed, taking a step back from her and grabbing a fistful of his own hair in frustration. “I have seen what this kind of feeling can do, seen it destroy lives. I thought it made me weak, that it distracted me from what was important. I have tried and tried to push you away, to keep my heart safe, but you have stolen it.”

“What are you saying?” Natalie had a hand on her own chest.

“When I thought that Bolton might have hurt you, it was as though my whole world had come crashing down. I could scarcely breathe, could barely think. And that—was terrifying.” Cold dread filled him again, and he pushed it away.

Natalie yelled back at him. “You do not think I am scared? That the strength of whatever between us does not steal my breath away? I am petrified, Adrian.”

“Then let us be afraid together.” He took a step towards her.

Natalie held up her arms to ward him off. “How can you ask me that when you do not even trust me?”

“I want to trust you.” Adrian clenched his fists. “I do trust you. And I will prove it.”

He strode past her, ignoring how her eyes went wide. There was no one else in the hall. He closed his study doors and turned to face his wife.

“The reason I did not want your brother and Lady Isabelle to be together, is because I feared what she knew. What she might reveal to you about the late Duchess.” Adrian’s chest squeezed and alarm bells sounded in his head.

“Which was what, exactly?” Natalie looked at him with confusion and suspicion on her face.

“Ours was not a love match – it was a union arranged when we were still children by our parents. They wished to bind our families together. In the early days, I was not often at home, and was not a particularly attentive husband.” He turned away from her, not wanting to see the look on her face as he revealed what he had been hiding. I will not be pitied. “She sought comfort in the arms of another. And when her lover was killed in a duel, she took her own life.”

“How do you know all this?” Natalie asked, her voice soft.

“She left me a note, explaining everything.” Adrian could see the note in his mind, the words etched onto it. “I had suspected the infidelity of course, and I could hardly begrudge her it. But I will never forgive her. Melody had not even had her first birthday. She was the light of my life. And her mother was made so weak by love that she abandoned her.”

“It was not love but selfishness.” Natalie had venom in her words. “Does anyone else know?”

He turned to face her, to drink in the blazing rage on her face. “Some of the staff were aware of the affair, and I swore them to secrecy. I did not want Melody to live with the stain of her late mother’s reputation. I could not risk this secret getting out.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Natalie asked.

“Because you deserve to know the truth. And I trust you to keep this secret.” Adrian met her gaze.

Some part of him felt relief at being able to share this with her at last. It was a part of the secret he had been keeping ever since he had found the note. It was as much as anyone else knew and as much as he could share. Let this be enough.

It has to be enough. The past can stay in the past.

“I do not want this to be between us. I want you to know that you can trust me.” Adrian pointed to his heart.

“I want to trust you. But I need to know that you will let me in. I do not want to be on the outside all the time.” She searched his face with her eyes.

He spread his arms wide and took a step towards her. “Consider this an open door.”

“Can I trust you with my heart?” She moved to him and placed one of his hands just beneath her collarbone, on the small slip of exposed skin.

He could feel her heart beating against his touch.

“I trust you with mine.” He placed her hand on his chest.

Her kiss took him by surprise. Her lips were soft against his, but there was an urgency that drove him to distraction. He wrapped his arms around her, drinking in the feel of her.

He lost himself in her, every moment of longing and need claiming him in that moment, and he surrendered to it. He could scarcely tell where she began, and he ended.

When they broke apart, they were both breathless. Adrian’s head swam.

“We will all leave London today.” Adrian kissed Natalie’s forehead, holding her to him.

“Oh?” she looked up at him, a sparkle in her eyes.

“The ton have had enough of you. It is high time we make the most of our honeymoon.” He let out a growl and swept her into his arms.

Laughing, they swept from the room and he felt lighter than he had in years.