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Ty

I opened the door, and Jules flew into my arms. “Jesus Christ, Ty! That was… We watched it downstairs on the television.”

“Oh, God…” I groaned. It was a seventy-five-inch, four-K screen. “I need to shower.”

“Greg said you were just showing off.” He laughed happily as if he had no cares in the world. I knew that was a lie.

“I wasn’t… It was weird as fuck.” I shook my head to try to get my brain working again. I kissed him, and I liked it. I had kissed him a lot.

“Sam said it looked like you were in love. I mean, you kissed him right away.” Jules gasped. “People lost their fucking minds.”

“I have to shower. I reek.”

“You did get very sweaty as you were fucking him. It was a total workout.”

“Can we talk about this later?” I headed upstairs. “Have you been waiting by the door?”

Jules followed me up: “You know it. It was seriously insane. He was putty, and you could see how much he was enjoying it—you, I mean. How much he was enjoying you.”

“It was fun,” I managed.

I walked into my room and started to shut the door, but Jules pushed it open and strode in. “What? I'm not stopping you from showering. We can chat while you clean the stink of love off your body.”

“Fucking isn’t love.”

“The way you look, and banter with him is. Jesus, Ty!” he said, exasperated, and I knew that I was in for it. When Jules got something in his fucking craw, it wouldn’t go away.

“Fine.” I pulled off my shirt and threw it onto the floor. “You won’t take no for an answer.”

He reached out and pulled me into a hug. “God, you are sweaty. It’s ok, Ty. Because you won’t listen to what your own heart is trying to tell you. I know you too well, hon. You’re probably a mess.”

“A stinky mess.”

He let go and looked at me sternly. “That’s’ not what I mean, and you know it.”

I slid my pants off and kicked them away. “He’s… I don’t know, ok. Yes, he’s fun, and I like him. Is that what you want to hear?” I sat down naked on my bed and felt all of my muscles tense as I thought about him. The way his body felt against my fingers was different than it ever had been. I liked intimately touching him, and that just… I groaned loudly.

“Is it what I want to hear? Yes, and no… I want you to be truthful to yourself and stop hiding behind all the walls you’ve built to protect your heart. You feel it. I know you do. It was there on your face as you stared into his eyes. The way you kissed him made my knees weak.”

“What does any of it mean, Jules?” I hung my head and took a deep breath. It was silly, but I could still smell him on my body. I liked it too much. What kind of anything could we ever have? We were sex workers who were trapped in the lives we lived. “How can we ever have something real? We aren’t the masters of our own destinies. Look what you're going through, babe. How can we ever give ourselves to anyone when this is our fucking life. We have Cappie’s property tattooed on our asses.”

“Metaphorically speaking, of course.” He looked at me affronted. “I would never have that tattoo.”

He walked over and slid his arm around my waist. I slumped against his thin frame.

“I’m just fucked up. As soon as I kissed him… I… I knew it. I wanted something more.” I sniffled and could feel the emotions I had denied threatening to burst like a fucking dam.

“Tell me.”

“He makes me laugh.”

“And…”

“He’s fun to talk to, and he’s fucking beautiful, so that doesn’t hurt.”

“And…”

“Fucking him was something different than anything I have ever felt before. It was meaningful or some kind of shit like that. I don’t know. He… he felt like he was made just for me, you know. That our pieces fit together in some way.” It was true. We were two peas in a pod, and I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him ever since we first spoke without fighting. He was different and kind. Funny and stupid. Beautiful and hard, yet soft on the inside.

“This wasn’t the first time that you felt that way with him, was it?”

“No. It’s been coming. Every time I see the fucker, he gets deeper into my skin,” I admitted.

“Is that a bad thing?” He stroked my hair, and I swallowed back the fear that had been overwhelming me. I knew it wouldn’t stay away. It was always there like a shroud.

“Yes. He scares me, ok? What I feel scares me.”

“Good. It should. It’s a major life event for you to even allow this.”

“I'm not fucking frigid, Jules,” I scoffed.

“I never said you were. But you push your deepest feelings down, boo. You have ever since I met you.”

“I’ve had a lot of fucking trauma,” I wiped at my eyes and sat up from where I had been crushing my best friend.

“You can’t dwell in the past, Ty.” He reached up and wiped at my eye gently. “That’s then, and I know how hard it was for you. But you have to let yourself heal and move on. It’s… life only gives you so many chances.”

“How many have we already squandered?” I was afraid of the answer.

“Time will tell. I’m not squandering my chance now, and I don’t want you to, either. The past is the past, and it’s not something that you can change. But the here and now, the future… It’s all unwritten and waiting for you to begin. All you have to do is start.”

“You sound a lot wiser than you look or normally sound.”

“See what allowing yourself to feel love can accomplish. I’ve turned into fucking Einstein.”

I chuckled. “That’s physics, not… Sure.”

“So, you’re scared. Wah! Don’t be a fucking baby about it. Be scared, but allow yourself to experience it. Jump in and revel in the mess that it creates.”

I slowly stood up and turned to him. “How can I ever be anything to anyone if I give pieces of myself away to strangers all the time? How can I fulfill a relationship when all I do is fulfill other people’s needs? I see some of the other boys in different studios accomplish this, but they’re not working for their fucking uncle. They’re not locked into contracts that keep us fed and well off enough that we don’t have to worry about money. We have a place to live and a… Well, a semi-sort of family that all looks after each other. Those other boys live different lives than us.”

“Who cares? That’s their life, not yours.”

“I’m tired of being a cock for sale, Jules. I… When Uncle Cap asked me to come and live with him after I turned eighteen, I had all these hopes, you know… All he wanted was to use me for my looks and my cock. My nanny, Esperanza, just let me go with him, and all she said was that I should mind him. She knew, and she didn’t even think to warn me. She cared for me so little that she let me be bought and sold for eight and a half inches of flesh.” My voice rose, and I realized who I had been mad at all this time. It was every adult who had let me down. My parents, my nanny, and my fucking uncle.

“It sounds like you want to escape as much as I do.”

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t think I like it here anymore. I have never really liked my life. I just tried to make the best of it, I guess. Use what God gave me and help others feel fulfilled – that’s how Cappie put it to me. But I'm tired of fulfilling other people and feeling empty myself.”

“You want more. And Merc?”

“Would he go with me? I… I’m scared to ask.” I felt naked and alone, standing there in my truth. But sweet Jules stood up and came over to me and took me in his arms.

“I think all you have to do is ask,” he whispered. “The way he looked at you – that is the look of someone who is deeply in love, Ty. Trust me. But what would we do if we left? Cappie would never let us go, and you know it. That’s what you said, and I’m scared. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“We can try, Jules. I’ll go with you. I’ll tell Merc how I… I’ll ask if he wants to come, too. Maybe the four of us have a chance if we keep a low profile. I know that would be hard for you.” My mind started spinning as I tried to think of a way out. It felt desperate and needful, and I clung to my emotions. I had hope. I wanted to have hope, no matter what I had said about it in the past. It was all I had left.

“I’d shave my hair and wear black if that would help. I want to be with Roam, and I don’t care what I have to do to escape. I’ve lived in the limelight, and now I think I want something simpler. You know? Maybe be a house husband while Roam works construction. I can bake pies.”

“But can Roam use a hammer? Cappie will come after us. We make him too much money for him to ever let us go.”

“Death might be better than this.” He looked so forlorn. But I knew in my heart that he was right.

“Yes.” I nodded.

The stupidest look I had ever seen flew across Jules’ face as if he had just had an idea to smack him on the head like in a cartoon. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

“I think I have a plan, Ty. You’re not going to like it.”

“What?”

“We have to die. It’s our only way out. I would rather never breathe or feel again than be Paris’ toy.” It was so serious that it scared me. My body went instantly cold.

“That’s fucking dark.”

“It is the only way out.”

In my heart, I knew he was right. I had to kill Ty if I wanted out of the life I led.