Page 55 of Don’t Tell Me How to Die

FIFTY-THREE

Esther didn’t blink. “Okay,” she said. “ Now you can tell me about your life. What’s been going on since high school?”

For the next hour I talked, while Esther did what she did best—interrupt. She cut me off with comments and observations, and occasionally she cut me off right at the knees.

“What in God’s name were you thinking?” she exploded when I told her how I had risked disbarment to get Johnny Rollo’s drug possession charged reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor.

“And then I called you,” I said, when I got to the end of my monologue. “I accept that I’m dying, but I’m trying to clean up my life before I go.”

“Clean up your life? Or control Alex’s life from the grave?” she said. “Why are you so hell-bent on finding him another wife?”

“Because I don’t want what happened to me and Lizzie to happen to my kids.”

“And you don’t trust Alex to do what’s best for Katie and Kevin?”

“He’ll mean well, but he’ll be a basket case, which makes him easy pickings for the wrong woman. I saw it happen to my father.”

“You mean with Connie Gilchrist?” she said.

“How the hell did you pull that name out of your hat after all these years?” I said.

“I’m terrible with phone numbers, but I’m like Rain Man with names.”

“To answer your question, yes,” I said. “The world is crawling with Connies. You remember her name, but do you remember that she didn’t just stumble on my father? She was a career criminal who targeted him.”

“Your father and Alex are not the same person.”

“They’re men. Men fall for the kind of lies women like Connie feed them.”

“Ironic coming from someone who’s lying to her husband.”

“Jesus, Esther, whose side are you on, anyway?”

“I’m on the side of facing who you are honestly. I want you to leave this earth with as clear a conscience as you can.”

“So, you’re saying I should definitely tell Alex about the affair.”

“I definitely did not say that. Whether or not you tell Alex is your decision, not mine. Who have you told so far?”

“Nobody,” I said. “Not even Lizzie.”

She smiled. “Not even me.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that when I asked you what was your most troubling problem, you admitted having an affair, but you’ve been spilling your guts for over an hour, and you never once mentioned the man’s name.”

“What difference does it make what his name is?”

“If you told me his name was Joe Blow, it wouldn’t make any difference, because the name would mean nothing to me. So, I’m wondering if you didn’t tell me his name because it’s one I already know.”

I sat back in my chair and folded my arms across my chest. “Go on,” I said.

“I don’t have to go on. Your body language is screaming that you’re hiding something. Do you think I’m going to judge you if it’s someone from your past? You schlepped a lot of baggage up in that elevator, Maggie. I’d like to help you leave some of it behind, but I can’t do that if you clam up on me.”

I unfolded my arms and told her his name. She recognized it immediately.

“Van was your first,” she said. “But then he broke your heart. When did it rekindle?”

“I don’t know that the flame ever went out. It’s been a rocky, confusing relationship. And it’s not just about the sex. I have great sex with Alex. It’s just that... I... I love him. I love both of them.”

“Does Van love you?”

“Yes,” I said without a second’s hesitation. “And the fact that he can’t show his love for me in public will only make it worse for him when I die.”

“Don’t project,” she said. “A lot of people are going to grieve. Nobody is going to suspect you were having an affair just because he’s in mourning.”

I sat quietly for about thirty seconds. Finally, I blurted out what had been burning in my mind for days. “I think Misty should take my place,” I said. “She’s my best friend, and my kids love her.”

“From what you’ve told me she sounds like she’s come a long way since high school. I can understand why you’d choose her. Are you going to ask her?”

“No. I thought about it, but I can’t just come right out and say, ‘Marry my husband.’ She might run for the hills. I know I would. So, I decided to ask her to do what my mother asked me to do when she was dying.”

“And what’s that?”

“Keep an eye on my family. Protect Alex and my children from the vultures who are ready to swoop in and hijack their lives. Be there for them. Misty will be working with Alex. She’ll see him every day. All I want is for her to be my eyes, my ears, and my foot if she has to kick some gold-digging bitch to the curb. After that I’m willing to let nature take its course. If they’re lucky, maybe one day they’ll be as happy as Beth and my father. That’s my decision, and I’m at peace with it,” I said. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s an elegant solution—mature, intelligent, and grounded in reality,” she said. “Brava.”

It was the last thing I expected her to say, and I was floored. “Wow,” I finally spluttered.

“I also think you’ve been deeply affected by the story of Alex being left in that basket at the fire station, and for you, with your nonstop, overactive rescue gene, he will always be that abandoned baby,” she said. “You absolutely don’t want to leave him, but if you must, you at least want to do the right thing by him—just like his mother did. I’m proud of you, Maggie. Very proud.”

“Thanks. I guess it’s never too late,” I said, a big grin on my face.

“For what?” Esther said.

“After all these years I’m finally starting to show signs of mental health.”