Page 101 of Don't Tell Me How to Die

It was Kevin’s way of coping, and I did nothing to quash his fantasy. But after years of working in the criminal justice system I knew with absolute certainty that in today’s world it is impossible for someone to completely disappear.

The police ran an ongoing check of Alex’s financials, and his picture was distributed to multiple agencies. But from the moment of his disappearance no money was touched, no credit line was tapped, no surveillance cameras picked up his image. Even if the social media theorists were right, and he had faked his own death, I knew that he couldn’t totally escape detection. No one can. We all leave electronic footprints. But Alex left none. He was gone.

No matter how hard Kevin refused to accept it, I knew for certain that Daddy wasn’t coming home.

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The day after I told Alex that I had been diagnosed with a terminal disease we began to research how teenagers react to the death of a parent, and what he could do to help them get through it.

The prospect was daunting. On the plus side, he wouldn’t have to explain the concept to them. Adolescents understand that dying is a part of life, and they grasp the finality of it. But how they deal with death is wildly unpredictable.

“How did you cope when your mother died?” he asked me. “Did your schoolwork suffer?”

“Not a bit,” I said.

“Did you isolate, get headaches, wet the bed?” he asked, reading from a long list we had compiled from various websites.

“None of the above,” I said.

“Oh, wait, here’s a good one,” he said. “Teenagers may put on a brave front and act out by displaying risk-taking escapist behavior, such as turning to drugs, alcohol, or more sexual contact.”

“Bingo,” I said. “That’s me, the textbook teenage risk-taker.”

“Swell,” he said. “Let’s hope it skips a generation.”

“Hey, so far we’ve amassed thirty-six possible reactions,” I said. “Maybe you’ll get lucky, and they’ll just wet the bed.”

We worked hard getting Alex ready for his role as a single parent to two grieving teenagers. And suddenly, it all fell to me.

Luckily, I had help.

Lizzie was great with Katie. They were two pragmatists in a pod. If they formed a club, their motto would be,I feel terrible. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve got to get on with my life.

My father, despite his outgoing charm and personal charisma, has never been one to dig down deep and get in touch with his feelings, but with Alex gone, Finn stepped up as the male role model in Kevin’s life. They spent hours together, and to his credit Finn did more listening than talking.

And when he did talk, he didn’t try to deconstruct or analyze Alex’s death. He stuck to simple messages.Your father did what he did—there is nothing that you did to cause it, and nothing you could have done to prevent it. He loved you, adored you, cherished you. Your family loves you, and we will always be there for you.

Misty talked to both kids about what it’s like to face the suicide of your father when you’re a teenager, and she stressed the importance of reaching out and asking for help. Wisely, she left out the part about Arnold Sinclair murdering his wife and son before taking his own life.

I did my best to be a touchstone of normalcy in their lives. Even though they spent time getting support from their friends, we ate many of our meals together, and every evening after dinner we would talk.

Their questions were predictable—why did he do it, why didn’t he leave a note, what’s going to happen to our family now that he’s gone?

Esther gave me a crash course in how to respond. “Be honest, acknowledge their feelings, share your own feelings, and reassure them that they are safe.”

“Tell them they’re safe,” I repeated. “So, I guess this would not be the best time to let them know their mother is dying.”

“Good call. It would be even better if you didn’t die at all,” she said, tossing out a typical throwaway Esther Gottleib ad lib. “And hugs. Physical contact is important. Even if they try to shrug it off?—”

I held up my hand. “Would you mind repeating that?” I said.

“I said hug them,” she said.”

“No, before that.”

“I said, ‘It would be even better if you didn’t die at all.’”

“That’s good advice, Esther.”